So, as someone who likes to keep up with the current fashion trends, I see that the young people have been wearing tall riding boots. How cute and preppy. I must buy myself some, I thought. WRONG.
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Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
...And then I went to Walmart at Midnight on Black Friday
I had written up this long and drawn out account on how I found myself inside a Walmart at midnight on Black Friday, but do you really need to know? All you need to know is that I decided to go, and I walked there from the hotel where we were staying. Yes, by foot. And no, my parents did not know that I left the hotel by myself to do this.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
...and then I flew on a plane.
For loyal readers of Lil Layne, you now know that something about air travel and Layne doesn't mix. Do we all remember the JFK Christmas 2007 debacle? Well, it happened again. I think the day's events are best chronicled in the form of a time-line.
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Sunday, November 07, 2010
Facebook "Questions"
Of all the asinine features www.facebook.com has developed over the years (and we're talking farmville, mafia wars, the "how big is your brain" quiz series, the "autism spectrum test"), I think the facebook "questions" application/page HAS TO BE THE WORST.
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Saturday, September 04, 2010
Like T.I says..."Recognize I'm Back"
Did you miss me? Probably not. It's okay - I wouldn't miss me either. But I am back! A lot has happened since last we spoke. A quick rundown:
1) I got a new computer! My old computer started acting up, so I called Apple again, and starting putting some of my law school training to use. Needless to say, I think the customer service representative from Toronto didn't know what to do with me, so they just decided to replace my computer with a new one. A lesson for all of you looking to have apple replace your computer: if you aren't walking into the apple store with tears, you've already lost. I contend that running into the apple stores of Atlanta and New Orleans with tears streaming down my face is the only reason I got a new computer. Tears are like kryptonite to the "geniuses." They cannot deal with it.
2) I worked! Now, due to certain forms I signed at the beginning of the summer, and certain client privilege doctrines, I can't really talk about what I did. But oh boy...
3) My party crashing style finally got me in trouble. I had been crashing this one VIP tent at a weekly square music fest for a while, and I decided to try and sneak some beers out of the tent for my unlucky, unparty-crashing savvy coworkers. Well...my bag was searched on the way out...and...things got kind of tense. I tried to convince the guy that the 10+ Coors Light beers were for me. He said, "if they're for you, then drink them here, in the tent." Which I did. To prove a point. Needless to say, that evening ended with me hugging DJ Qualls, otherwise known as "that super skinny guy from the road-trip movies and also on that TNT show no one watches called Memphis Beat" and losing a shoe.
4) I moved back in with my parents for the summer. Yeah. For realz. I was forced to sleep in an insect infested room above my father's garage. My parents said that I needed to "spread my wings and finally fly." Never mind the fact that I lived in NYC for 2 years, or go to school 800miles away, or went to college in the northeast, or lived in Scotland for a year...but yeah, I guess they're right.
5) I started my 3rd (and *hopefully* final year) of Law School. It cannot come soon enough. But with the start of any new academic year comes a new class of terrible, and obnoxious students. I was out at the school sponsored social event (mistake #1) and this one 1L pushed past me and said, "excuse me ma'am." MA'AM. I am now "ma'am" age. Next time I see that kid, I'm going to push past HIM and say, "Excuse me, boy." See how he likes it. Also, what's wrong with these 1Ls? I want to ask them, "If someone advised you that a ship was about to sink, would you board it? No, right? THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO LAW SCHOOL?"
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1) I got a new computer! My old computer started acting up, so I called Apple again, and starting putting some of my law school training to use. Needless to say, I think the customer service representative from Toronto didn't know what to do with me, so they just decided to replace my computer with a new one. A lesson for all of you looking to have apple replace your computer: if you aren't walking into the apple store with tears, you've already lost. I contend that running into the apple stores of Atlanta and New Orleans with tears streaming down my face is the only reason I got a new computer. Tears are like kryptonite to the "geniuses." They cannot deal with it.
2) I worked! Now, due to certain forms I signed at the beginning of the summer, and certain client privilege doctrines, I can't really talk about what I did. But oh boy...
3) My party crashing style finally got me in trouble. I had been crashing this one VIP tent at a weekly square music fest for a while, and I decided to try and sneak some beers out of the tent for my unlucky, unparty-crashing savvy coworkers. Well...my bag was searched on the way out...and...things got kind of tense. I tried to convince the guy that the 10+ Coors Light beers were for me. He said, "if they're for you, then drink them here, in the tent." Which I did. To prove a point. Needless to say, that evening ended with me hugging DJ Qualls, otherwise known as "that super skinny guy from the road-trip movies and also on that TNT show no one watches called Memphis Beat" and losing a shoe.
4) I moved back in with my parents for the summer. Yeah. For realz. I was forced to sleep in an insect infested room above my father's garage. My parents said that I needed to "spread my wings and finally fly." Never mind the fact that I lived in NYC for 2 years, or go to school 800miles away, or went to college in the northeast, or lived in Scotland for a year...but yeah, I guess they're right.
5) I started my 3rd (and *hopefully* final year) of Law School. It cannot come soon enough. But with the start of any new academic year comes a new class of terrible, and obnoxious students. I was out at the school sponsored social event (mistake #1) and this one 1L pushed past me and said, "excuse me ma'am." MA'AM. I am now "ma'am" age. Next time I see that kid, I'm going to push past HIM and say, "Excuse me, boy." See how he likes it. Also, what's wrong with these 1Ls? I want to ask them, "If someone advised you that a ship was about to sink, would you board it? No, right? THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO LAW SCHOOL?"
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Thursday, April 22, 2010
Future Husbands: Part Deux
Back by popular demand, I bring you another helping of "Future Husbands from the Ukraine." I decided that since some of my readers are of an older demographic, I should try looking at the 30-50+ age range. And let me tell you...these older bachelors did not disappoint.
First up, meet Alexander.
If I knew how to spell out a cat/tiger purring noise, that's what I'd be typing right now. This 50yr old silver fox knows how to keep it right and tight. Ladies, before you go crazy, he *does* come with a little baggage: "I am calm and tempered man. I have two daughters but they live together with their mother." I think Alexander was hoping we'd be SO distracted by his declarations of being "calm and tempered" that we wouldn't notice the sentence about his progeny living elsewhere in rural Ukraine with an ex wife. Alexander is not at all picky when it comes to a future wife. What is he looking for? "I want to meet a sexy, pretty, tall, non-smoking, not fat, honest, clever, with a sense of humor, neat lady who wants to become ideal and want to create a good family." I guess with a bod like that, he probably has A-L-L the ladies in the Kherson region knocking down his door. Homey has to have some standards.
One of the things that some of my readers in law school complain about is the difficulty in finding a man with their same educational/professional aspirations. I submit that my next bachelor, Eugene, might be your answer.
He's a lawyer! One thing I appreciate about Eugene's profile is that it is VERY clear that he put some time and effort into his answers. Specifically - I'm pretty sure he consulted with an English language thesaurus on more than one occasion. Example: In his description he writes, "I am a calm, tempered, faithful,quiet, counterbalanced,devoted, easily appeased, unrealistic, pensive, sober,judicious, poetic, art, generous, careful." I'm glad to hear that he is both counterbalanced AND devoted. I was worried. Although, one wonders if this lawyer sees the logical error in describing himself as both easily appeased and unrealistic.
He, like Alexander, is also very clear about what he wants out of a woman:
Finally, we have Viktor.
He is 43 years old, divorced, and describes himself as, "quiet, even-tempered, secure, kind, without bad habits.I prefer a casual style of clothing." All well and good. But then...he leaves you with this:
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First up, meet Alexander.
If I knew how to spell out a cat/tiger purring noise, that's what I'd be typing right now. This 50yr old silver fox knows how to keep it right and tight. Ladies, before you go crazy, he *does* come with a little baggage: "I am calm and tempered man. I have two daughters but they live together with their mother." I think Alexander was hoping we'd be SO distracted by his declarations of being "calm and tempered" that we wouldn't notice the sentence about his progeny living elsewhere in rural Ukraine with an ex wife. Alexander is not at all picky when it comes to a future wife. What is he looking for? "I want to meet a sexy, pretty, tall, non-smoking, not fat, honest, clever, with a sense of humor, neat lady who wants to become ideal and want to create a good family." I guess with a bod like that, he probably has A-L-L the ladies in the Kherson region knocking down his door. Homey has to have some standards.
One of the things that some of my readers in law school complain about is the difficulty in finding a man with their same educational/professional aspirations. I submit that my next bachelor, Eugene, might be your answer.
He, like Alexander, is also very clear about what he wants out of a woman:
If you are kind, patient, sexy,faithful,understanding ofHe's a keeper.
your soul mate, loving the classical rock, not mercantile, a
good housewife and not inclined to getting fat.
Finally, we have Viktor.
He is 43 years old, divorced, and describes himself as, "quiet, even-tempered, secure, kind, without bad habits.I prefer a casual style of clothing." All well and good. But then...he leaves you with this:
I like sport, fishing, tourism. I have a secondary-specialI am not even going to comment.
education and I am a cook by profession. Probably I shall
taste you once with my dishes.
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Friday, April 16, 2010
Dealbreakers
Do you ever go to gmail, type in one word in the "Search" function, and read the results? I just did that for the phrase "dealbreaker" and I felt compelled to share.
Not all of these were said by me, but I do agree that they are all dealbreakers.
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He was wearing giants athletic shorts, a tie-dye giants t-shirt AND......giants CROCS. DEALBREAKER
A guy who doesn't watch TV? DEALBREAKER
He loved tony romo. DEALBREAKER.
He said, "i love the mudslides at tgi fridays" DEALBREAKER
Cellphone Holsters. DEALBREAKER
If a guy proposed to me with a ring paid for by PLUS Loans? DEALBREAKER
His name is Dustin?? DEALBREAKER
His favorite drink is half sprite/half beer. He calls it a "snow white." DEALBREAKER
He told me "my favorite sitcom of all time is king of queens. Kevin James is a comedic genius." seriously??? DEALBREAKER
I'm not willing to settle for someone who seems mentally unhinged. also, someone who went to osteopath school is a DO instead of a MD. DEALBREAKER
A guy who doesn’t read? DEALBREAKER
Does he live at home? DEALBREAKER
He has no other guy friends? DEALBREAKER
Um, i'm sorry --cartoonist? DEALBREAKER
He placed his cat's paws on his arms? DEALBREAKER
Not all of these were said by me, but I do agree that they are all dealbreakers.
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Thursday, April 15, 2010
Men's Fashion
Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time?
What is the deal with men in the south who wear this:
I just don't get it. There is no place in society for a short-sleeved button up shirt for a man. Either you are committing to the oxford and rolling up the sleeves if it gets a little warm, or you are going with a polo/tshirt. Who are these people who think they can have it both ways? I recently went to church and counted about 37 offenders. In the house of God? You're really going to give that sort of C+ effort? Of course...having said that..I was at church for the express purpose of meeting men, so maybe I shouldn't stand in my glass house and throw stones.
But let's get back to the matter at hand. The short sleeved button up shirt is the clothing equivalent of a mullet. "Business in the front, party in the back!" False. Just like you're not going to get in the door at a company with a mullet, you are not going to be taken seriously at work with one of these Jehovah's witness shirts. Also, for me, it is a dealbreaker.
And I wonder why I am single.
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What is the deal with men in the south who wear this:
I just don't get it. There is no place in society for a short-sleeved button up shirt for a man. Either you are committing to the oxford and rolling up the sleeves if it gets a little warm, or you are going with a polo/tshirt. Who are these people who think they can have it both ways? I recently went to church and counted about 37 offenders. In the house of God? You're really going to give that sort of C+ effort? Of course...having said that..I was at church for the express purpose of meeting men, so maybe I shouldn't stand in my glass house and throw stones.
But let's get back to the matter at hand. The short sleeved button up shirt is the clothing equivalent of a mullet. "Business in the front, party in the back!" False. Just like you're not going to get in the door at a company with a mullet, you are not going to be taken seriously at work with one of these Jehovah's witness shirts. Also, for me, it is a dealbreaker.
And I wonder why I am single.
Read more
Sunday, April 11, 2010
You can find anything on the internet...
...Including a husband. Did YOU know there was a website with the url ALovingHusband.com? There is. I've done a review of some of the prospects on there, and here are my top choices.
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Friday, April 09, 2010
Well, it happened again.
My hard-drive crashed. It happened last semester a week before Thanksgiving, and now it's happened again -- 2 weeks before my first final. My reaction?
I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.
But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.
How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
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I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.
But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.
How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
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Wednesday, April 07, 2010
An exciting new project! - Update
The exciting new project has been tweaked, and we now have a new URL, so please take note of it below
Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com
At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.
So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more
Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com
At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.
So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more
My Mother the Matchmaker
I feel like I've been posting about my Mother quite a bit. But she is like a never-ending fountain of material. I almost wonder if she keeps sending me these ridiculous emails to force my hand into posting about her. I think her greatest wish in life is for people outside of the family to think I am obsessed with her.
Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.
But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.
Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.
Today I received the following Email from my Mom:
Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.
Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.
I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.
Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?
But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more
Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.
But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.
Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.
Today I received the following Email from my Mom:
I think we should introduce Lil GS to Elian Gonzalez.
Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.
Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.
I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.
Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?
But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more
Google Searches
In what is fast becoming one of my favorite segments, I go through the convoluted searches queries people enter into google which somehow bring them here to my blog.
Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.
Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.
Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more
Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.
Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.
Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more
Monday, April 05, 2010
Mike Triplett, are you scared of me?
Well, I guess it was bound to happen. Mike Triplett is obviously petrified I will physically hurt him. I have scared him off with the frequency of my emails. Let's look at the time line of events.
1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)
In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.
2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.
Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).
Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.
But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more
1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)
In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.
2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.
Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).
Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.
But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Advantage: Mike Triplett
Mike Triplett from the Times Picayune is proving to be a more worthy adversary than Corry Rush.
I direct you to this week's Saints Mailbag. Oh Mike -- you know that the way to a woman's heart is through picking 2 of her questions for the Saints Mailbag. Love that you referred to me as "Lil Layne" and gave me an additional shout-out. Although longtime reader Lil Nore speculated that when you said, "You get two questions, Layne, since you're such a loyal reader" what you really meant to say was, "I'm scared, please don't hurt me." Whatever. Fear is a powerful tool. ANYWAY...Your attention to my queries has not gone un-noticed. It *almost* makes me want to stop warring with you. The key word is almost..if you couldn't tell by the asterisks.
Here's the real problem -- you picked the 2 most normal/easiest to answer questions on my list of 10+ questions. I don't really care if the Saints take back Charles Grant. What I care about is: if Drew Brees asked you to babysit little baby Baylen, would you say yes? Oooh - that's a good one. I'm going to email that one to him in my next batch. Why can't you push the envelope a little bit on the mailbag? Less "Ask the expert" and more "Dear Abby." If you don't feel comfortable answering these more...unorthodox...questions, why don't you give a me a crack at them? We can maybe call it, "The Saints Mail-Purse." Just thinking out loud.
Because of this new development (you being more responsive than Corry Rush), I have adjusted my goals. Getting you to include my questions in the mailbag was too easy. I need to stretch myself a little bit. So the new goals are:
1) Convince you to sit for an interview.
2) An invitation to watch the Saints summer practice with the Press Corps.
3) My own blog on nola.com. And I don't mean one of those weirdo "nola forum" type deals either. People who post on the NOLA forums two steps above being troll people who live under bridges..or wherever troll people live. You know the people who go to Hooters on Vets and stand in the pouring down rain to have Garrett Hartley sign the beer koozies? THOSE are NOLA.com forum contributors. But I'm no diva - I said I would do this FOR FREE. FREE CONTENT. What is not to like about that deal?
Someone once told me that you do not get anything without asking for it first. So, you can consider yourself on notice that I am asking for items 1-3. Cool?
OH! Mike: just wanted to let you know that my mom called me today to tell me she thought you looked like an actor from "The Young and the Restless." You can choose to interpret that however you want. Read more
I direct you to this week's Saints Mailbag. Oh Mike -- you know that the way to a woman's heart is through picking 2 of her questions for the Saints Mailbag. Love that you referred to me as "Lil Layne" and gave me an additional shout-out. Although longtime reader Lil Nore speculated that when you said, "You get two questions, Layne, since you're such a loyal reader" what you really meant to say was, "I'm scared, please don't hurt me." Whatever. Fear is a powerful tool. ANYWAY...Your attention to my queries has not gone un-noticed. It *almost* makes me want to stop warring with you. The key word is almost..if you couldn't tell by the asterisks.
Here's the real problem -- you picked the 2 most normal/easiest to answer questions on my list of 10+ questions. I don't really care if the Saints take back Charles Grant. What I care about is: if Drew Brees asked you to babysit little baby Baylen, would you say yes? Oooh - that's a good one. I'm going to email that one to him in my next batch. Why can't you push the envelope a little bit on the mailbag? Less "Ask the expert" and more "Dear Abby." If you don't feel comfortable answering these more...unorthodox...questions, why don't you give a me a crack at them? We can maybe call it, "The Saints Mail-Purse." Just thinking out loud.
Because of this new development (you being more responsive than Corry Rush), I have adjusted my goals. Getting you to include my questions in the mailbag was too easy. I need to stretch myself a little bit. So the new goals are:
1) Convince you to sit for an interview.
2) An invitation to watch the Saints summer practice with the Press Corps.
3) My own blog on nola.com. And I don't mean one of those weirdo "nola forum" type deals either. People who post on the NOLA forums two steps above being troll people who live under bridges..or wherever troll people live. You know the people who go to Hooters on Vets and stand in the pouring down rain to have Garrett Hartley sign the beer koozies? THOSE are NOLA.com forum contributors. But I'm no diva - I said I would do this FOR FREE. FREE CONTENT. What is not to like about that deal?
Someone once told me that you do not get anything without asking for it first. So, you can consider yourself on notice that I am asking for items 1-3. Cool?
OH! Mike: just wanted to let you know that my mom called me today to tell me she thought you looked like an actor from "The Young and the Restless." You can choose to interpret that however you want. Read more
Friday, April 02, 2010
My Mother and Twitter
As has been well documented on this blog...my mother's discovery of the internet has been a vexing issue for me quite some time.
My father has been "online" (so to speak) for a really long time because of his business. But my mother didn't even know how to use a touch-dial phone for a while there. About 7 years ago, she started going to these classes taught by nuns (aimed for geriatrics living in the Desire House Projects, as a FYI) so she could learn how to use Microsoft Word. Slowly but surely she crawled her way towards the 20th century (I don't say 21st, because I'm sure having to use an IPhone would cause her to have an apoplectic fit). She opened an email account. She discovered "google." She started emailing people with the same family name as her asking, "are you my cousin?" She started getting with it. But I was pretty comfortable that the gap between our technological savvy was so great that she would never catch up with me, and would never be able to monitor me (Big Brother style). WRONG.
This summer, she joined facebook and told me that if I didn't accept her friend request, she was going to disown me and write me out of her will. It was only a matter of time before she found my blog. And now she's found my twitter. My worst fears have become realized. My mother is tracking my every move from a remote location.
A couple of days ago, I received this communication from her.
My immediate and visceral reaction was to yell out, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?" I didn't even know how to address her critique. I find blogs where people are constantly talking about all the restaurants they go to/museums they attend/dinner parties they throw tiresome and self aggrandizing. I do those things too, but I don't feel the need to talk about it ad nauseum. I do not need to seek the approval of others for accomplishing tasks that 99% of the population does without fanfare (See, e.g, doing laundry, cooking a meal, washing a car, or cleaning a room). Plus, no body wants to read that, unless they want to add that in their arsenal of reasons why they hate you. I know I open my computer sometimes and say to myself, "I haven't hated on (enter name here) in a while, so I think I'll go take a look at their website."
Second: who is my mother worried I am NOT going to impress by talking about LOST? Does she think that there are future husbands out there reading, who are totally charmed by everything I say...until they see that I like the tv show Modern Family, and then have second thoughts? NEWSFLASH BIGMOMMAJ (the moniker my mother keeps trying to make happen on this blog): This website reads like ONE GIANT RED FLAG for a potential suitor. High strung? Yes. Overly Dramatic? Yes. Holds irrational and unreasonable grudges for a long time? Yes. I highly doubt the tweets about television are going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Sigh. Is there some way to block someone from accessing the internet? Maybe I will try to confuse her and tell her that all the cool kids are using "Microsoft PowerPoint" to access the internet these days. Read more
My father has been "online" (so to speak) for a really long time because of his business. But my mother didn't even know how to use a touch-dial phone for a while there. About 7 years ago, she started going to these classes taught by nuns (aimed for geriatrics living in the Desire House Projects, as a FYI) so she could learn how to use Microsoft Word. Slowly but surely she crawled her way towards the 20th century (I don't say 21st, because I'm sure having to use an IPhone would cause her to have an apoplectic fit). She opened an email account. She discovered "google." She started emailing people with the same family name as her asking, "are you my cousin?" She started getting with it. But I was pretty comfortable that the gap between our technological savvy was so great that she would never catch up with me, and would never be able to monitor me (Big Brother style). WRONG.
This summer, she joined facebook and told me that if I didn't accept her friend request, she was going to disown me and write me out of her will. It was only a matter of time before she found my blog. And now she's found my twitter. My worst fears have become realized. My mother is tracking my every move from a remote location.
A couple of days ago, I received this communication from her.
Subject Line: TV Watching
Message: if i were you i might not twitter so much about tv shows as it makes your social life look terrible.
My immediate and visceral reaction was to yell out, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?" I didn't even know how to address her critique. I find blogs where people are constantly talking about all the restaurants they go to/museums they attend/dinner parties they throw tiresome and self aggrandizing. I do those things too, but I don't feel the need to talk about it ad nauseum. I do not need to seek the approval of others for accomplishing tasks that 99% of the population does without fanfare (See, e.g, doing laundry, cooking a meal, washing a car, or cleaning a room). Plus, no body wants to read that, unless they want to add that in their arsenal of reasons why they hate you. I know I open my computer sometimes and say to myself, "I haven't hated on (enter name here) in a while, so I think I'll go take a look at their website."
Second: who is my mother worried I am NOT going to impress by talking about LOST? Does she think that there are future husbands out there reading, who are totally charmed by everything I say...until they see that I like the tv show Modern Family, and then have second thoughts? NEWSFLASH BIGMOMMAJ (the moniker my mother keeps trying to make happen on this blog): This website reads like ONE GIANT RED FLAG for a potential suitor. High strung? Yes. Overly Dramatic? Yes. Holds irrational and unreasonable grudges for a long time? Yes. I highly doubt the tweets about television are going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Sigh. Is there some way to block someone from accessing the internet? Maybe I will try to confuse her and tell her that all the cool kids are using "Microsoft PowerPoint" to access the internet these days. Read more
Thursday, April 01, 2010
My 13 Year Old Self is Reeling
So, Ricky Martin came out of the closet. Who was surprised by this? I'll tell you who: my 13 year old self.
Back-story: when I was 13, I was IN LOVE with Ricky Martin. Like blind, crazy, Justin Bieber-esque love. And I REFUSED to believe he was gay. I felt like every time he was singing "Livin' La Vida Loca" he was singing it directly to me. When he sang, I envisioned us salsa dancing in Miami, him shaking his hips, and me...being a 13 year old dancing with Ricky Martin, I guess?
Then I started thinking back on ALL my childhood celebrity crushes. Please see below.
Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Read more
Back-story: when I was 13, I was IN LOVE with Ricky Martin. Like blind, crazy, Justin Bieber-esque love. And I REFUSED to believe he was gay. I felt like every time he was singing "Livin' La Vida Loca" he was singing it directly to me. When he sang, I envisioned us salsa dancing in Miami, him shaking his hips, and me...being a 13 year old dancing with Ricky Martin, I guess?
Then I started thinking back on ALL my childhood celebrity crushes. Please see below.
Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Read more
What does Mike Triplett do all day, if he's not answering my questions?
As we know, Mike Triplett of the Times-Picayune is my newest enemy/love of my life. Part of his duties to the T-P require him to answer questions from the vox populi about the New Orleans Saints. As a member of the greater public, I have decided to email in every single question that pops into my head, as soon as it pops into my head for him to answer. My questions thus far:
The ultimate question is: at what point will Mike Triplett straight up block me from being able to email him?
I will keep you updated when, and if, he decides to tackle some of my questions. Maybe he will do a video blog to address all of my queries at once! One can only hope. Read more
1) What ever happened to the "unknown who dat"?
2) Jeremy Shockey tweeted that he couldn't wait to see his teammates in 20 days. Are they finally getting their rings, or has some sort of off-season training program started?
3) What is the training schedule for the coming months? When does camp start?
4) Why are so many football players/coaches obsessed with Kenny Chesney?
5) Who do you think is the biggest party animal on the team? My money is on Garrett Hartley.
6) Can you do a "CRIBZ" like feature showing readers what the players' condos/apartments/homes look like? On his facebook page, Thomas Morstead lists his residence as the "Airport Hilton Hotel." Do a lot of players live at the Airport Hilton Hotel? That seems depressing and wrong.
7) Is it possible for the Saints re-sign Charles Grant at a discount? Will they work him out again after he recovers from his injury? Maybe getting cut/injured will cause him to tone up, work hard, and come up with a Charles Grant version 2.0.
8) Our back-up quarterback situation is downright frightening. What are we going to do about that? Brunell did not look impressive during the Carolina game, and who even knows what is going on with Chase Daniel.
9) Have you been watching Chad Ochocinco on Dancing With The Stars? Which Saints player do you think is most likely to go on DWTS?
10) Do you think Reggie's production is going to be affected by the recent break-up with Kim Kardashian? Additionally, who do you think is at fault for the breakup?
11) Which Saints are single and mingling?
12) What are the odds we could get Favre at backup QB?
13) What's the deal with Sean Payton and Juicy Fruit? How do I apply for the job where I sit on the sidelines waiting to pass Sean Payton a stick of Juicy Fruit?
14) So, I just read that Drew Brees is ranked 35th for celebrity golfers -- is there anything this man can't do? But here's my real question: say you are in the trenches suffering from a gunshot injury, and someone told you, "you can wait 24 hours for a doctor to come, but there's a small chance you might die before then...HOWEVER, Drew Brees is standing by, and he's studied up on the surgery and feels comfortable performing it." Do you let him? I say yes.
The ultimate question is: at what point will Mike Triplett straight up block me from being able to email him?
I will keep you updated when, and if, he decides to tackle some of my questions. Maybe he will do a video blog to address all of my queries at once! One can only hope. Read more
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
A note about proof-reading
Every time I write a post, my mother (one of my 3 readers) sends me a scathing email the next morning lambasting me about my grammar/spelling. So, I offer this as an explanation.
When I finally have time to post things, it is usually very late at night. This means my brain is not functioning as well as it might be at...say...4pm. So I will make a lot of mistakes - especially with homophones. You know, like peace/piece, principle/principal, their/there. It doesn't mean I don't get the difference. I know I have misplaced commas EVERYWHERE. I usually try to go back and fix things..it just doesn't happen at the moment of publication. I could probably use a copy-editor so we'll add that to the list of things I need in my life (intern, housekeeper, chef, driver, mechanic, laundress, personal shopper, $100million dollars). But for right now, I guess you'll have to deal with me. Just think of my unproof-read writing style as Jack Kerouac-ian, yes? Read more
When I finally have time to post things, it is usually very late at night. This means my brain is not functioning as well as it might be at...say...4pm. So I will make a lot of mistakes - especially with homophones. You know, like peace/piece, principle/principal, their/there. It doesn't mean I don't get the difference. I know I have misplaced commas EVERYWHERE. I usually try to go back and fix things..it just doesn't happen at the moment of publication. I could probably use a copy-editor so we'll add that to the list of things I need in my life (intern, housekeeper, chef, driver, mechanic, laundress, personal shopper, $100million dollars). But for right now, I guess you'll have to deal with me. Just think of my unproof-read writing style as Jack Kerouac-ian, yes? Read more
Time for a New Villain
Every blogger needs a villain. Sure, I've had Corry Rush for a while, but I think i'm over him. Time to move on.
As an aside: Did I tell you about the time I emailed the Corr-ster (requesting something, no doubt) and he asked me which news agency I was with? THE NERVE. He knew. He was just trying to make a point. POINT TAKEN, SPAWN OF SATAN CORRY RUSH. Having said that...I will probably email him this week asking for tickets to the NFL Draft. If history is any indicator, he will pretend like he doesn't know me, and then pass me off on some lackey with no authority.
Luckily there are a couple of new villains working their way down the pipe.
Mike Triplett: Saints Reporter for the Times Picayune.
As the guy with the most access to my beloved Drew Brees, I am going to hate him on principle. It is one of those hatreds that stems out of jealousy. You know, sort of like when you hate the valedictorian from your class because he got a perfect 1600 SAT? (N.B. For any of my readers under the age of 25, a long, long time ago, the SAT was out of 1600). Mike Triplett gets to do everything I want to do -- follow the players around the locker-room, go to their parties, ask them ridiculous questions. Except this guy isn't even asking the questions inquiring minds want to know (i.e, which Saints players are single, what tv shows the players are watching, what they wear to sleep at night). It's SUCH a letdown.
I've been emailing M. Tripp since like...December 2009. No joke. I just checked my email archive. First I emailed him to ask him for advice about blogging (no response), then I sent a couple of emails to the saints mailbag (no response). Finally, today, I called him out on his lack of response, and he FINALLY wrote back and apologized. You know what I say to that? OOPS TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Full Disclosure: I find this guy very charming. Sure, i've never met him...but I have seen his videos. He's like the Justin Bieber to my Conan O'Brien. And let's be honest here: Justin Bieber is cute as sh*t. Luckily for me, Mike Triplett is over the age of 16, so having a schoolgirl crush on him does not make me a pedophile. But it does make it very hard for me to write missives, calling him an evil, dream killing, spawn of satan-esque monster. No, he will not do for a new villain. Unrelated question though: is it inappropriate for me to write into the Times Picayune Saints Mailbag to ask M.Tripp if he is single? How are we coming out on this question as far as "journalistic ethics" goes...?
Moving onto the next Villain...
Name: Same Exact Name as Me. Occupation: Fire Fighter
This guy has been on my radar for years. Every time I google myself, his links pop up. This guy is (by all accounts) quite the little hero. He wins awards, saves the country, and is even some sort of Jack Bauer-eque counter-terrorism expert. Scrolling through the google results, you see link after link about his awesomeness...and then you see that I once played "Lady Bear 2" in a production of "The Jungle Book" back in 1995. He makes me look real bad.
But, whatever -- I thought that it would be advantageous if he and I started up an email correspondence. So, of course, I emailed him. Please note for the record that his email address had the words "combat" and "terrorism" in it.
Did this guy respond? NO. WHAT THE F LAYNE? You too busy to respond? HELLO. I sent this almost a week ago. I thought we could be like that couple with the same name who got married! Look at how cute they are. That could have been us! NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON. I don't know if you can cull this from my website - but I got it goin' on. First: I have an unpaid job this summer. Second: I have my very own room above my parents garage ALL TO MYSELF. Third: My car is fully functioning...minus the broken air conditioner, and the fact that it is leaking gas. Fourth: I know a ton of celebrities...like Gumbo the Saints Mascot. Fifth: All of these homeless men and janitors hit on me..so..you know I'm workin' it in the looks department. Janitors and homeless men only hit on the hottest girls. One day you're going to look back on this moment and wish you had gotten in when you could...sort of like Google IPO. That's all i'm saying. Read more
As an aside: Did I tell you about the time I emailed the Corr-ster (requesting something, no doubt) and he asked me which news agency I was with? THE NERVE. He knew. He was just trying to make a point. POINT TAKEN, SPAWN OF SATAN CORRY RUSH. Having said that...I will probably email him this week asking for tickets to the NFL Draft. If history is any indicator, he will pretend like he doesn't know me, and then pass me off on some lackey with no authority.
Luckily there are a couple of new villains working their way down the pipe.
Mike Triplett: Saints Reporter for the Times Picayune.
As the guy with the most access to my beloved Drew Brees, I am going to hate him on principle. It is one of those hatreds that stems out of jealousy. You know, sort of like when you hate the valedictorian from your class because he got a perfect 1600 SAT? (N.B. For any of my readers under the age of 25, a long, long time ago, the SAT was out of 1600). Mike Triplett gets to do everything I want to do -- follow the players around the locker-room, go to their parties, ask them ridiculous questions. Except this guy isn't even asking the questions inquiring minds want to know (i.e, which Saints players are single, what tv shows the players are watching, what they wear to sleep at night). It's SUCH a letdown.
I've been emailing M. Tripp since like...December 2009. No joke. I just checked my email archive. First I emailed him to ask him for advice about blogging (no response), then I sent a couple of emails to the saints mailbag (no response). Finally, today, I called him out on his lack of response, and he FINALLY wrote back and apologized. You know what I say to that? OOPS TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Full Disclosure: I find this guy very charming. Sure, i've never met him...but I have seen his videos. He's like the Justin Bieber to my Conan O'Brien. And let's be honest here: Justin Bieber is cute as sh*t. Luckily for me, Mike Triplett is over the age of 16, so having a schoolgirl crush on him does not make me a pedophile. But it does make it very hard for me to write missives, calling him an evil, dream killing, spawn of satan-esque monster. No, he will not do for a new villain. Unrelated question though: is it inappropriate for me to write into the Times Picayune Saints Mailbag to ask M.Tripp if he is single? How are we coming out on this question as far as "journalistic ethics" goes...?
Moving onto the next Villain...
Name: Same Exact Name as Me. Occupation: Fire Fighter
This guy has been on my radar for years. Every time I google myself, his links pop up. This guy is (by all accounts) quite the little hero. He wins awards, saves the country, and is even some sort of Jack Bauer-eque counter-terrorism expert. Scrolling through the google results, you see link after link about his awesomeness...and then you see that I once played "Lady Bear 2" in a production of "The Jungle Book" back in 1995. He makes me look real bad.
But, whatever -- I thought that it would be advantageous if he and I started up an email correspondence. So, of course, I emailed him. Please note for the record that his email address had the words "combat" and "terrorism" in it.
Dear Layne,
I've been googling myself to see what a future employer might find on the internet about me, and it hits for you outnumber hits for me like 4:1. I guess that makes you the famous Layne LastName? It would be amazing if an employer mistook you for me, because you seem like a grade-A badass. Unfortunately, I am female, wimpy, and I once called the police claiming to have been mugged when a homeless person asked me for money. Clearly, I am not capable of combating terrorism. But fight on, Layne!
Also - feel free to check out my website should you ever get the chance. Maybe I can do an interview with you!
Did this guy respond? NO. WHAT THE F LAYNE? You too busy to respond? HELLO. I sent this almost a week ago. I thought we could be like that couple with the same name who got married! Look at how cute they are. That could have been us! NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON. I don't know if you can cull this from my website - but I got it goin' on. First: I have an unpaid job this summer. Second: I have my very own room above my parents garage ALL TO MYSELF. Third: My car is fully functioning...minus the broken air conditioner, and the fact that it is leaking gas. Fourth: I know a ton of celebrities...like Gumbo the Saints Mascot. Fifth: All of these homeless men and janitors hit on me..so..you know I'm workin' it in the looks department. Janitors and homeless men only hit on the hottest girls. One day you're going to look back on this moment and wish you had gotten in when you could...sort of like Google IPO. That's all i'm saying. Read more
Thursday, March 25, 2010
5 Year Anniversary!
It is my 5 year anniversary! With my boyfriend/fiance, you ask? No. Today marks the 5th year of Lil Layne.
Five years ago today, I created Lil Layne...although back then, it was known as "Spring Travels." It started off as a way to document a 3 week backpacking trip around Europe. Remember that, Amy? The early posts were extremely rough and unedited. It also took me an embarrassing amount of time to learn that you are meant to put punctuation marks inside the quotation marks like "this!" instead of "this"!. At one point I set out to go back and correct all the old posts, but I have since decided to just let people think I was drunk the entire time I was writing (which was probably true 90% of the time).
I remember writing my first post ever. I honestly thought I wouldn't write a second post because I didn't want to be lumped in the same category as people who used Livejournal. (ASIDE: do people still even USE livejournal? Remember Friendster? Wow. Blast from the past.) In any event...I thought blogs were weird. But then I met someone who was normal who had a blog (I think it may have been Brian Wagner, who I highly doubt even reads this blog, but maybe I will send him a well-timed facebook message), and I decided that maybe I could write one too.
So much has happened in the 5 years since I started Lil Layne: I graduated from college, got my first job, had my first female stalker, traveled to the Dominican Republic and began hating Canadians, got into law school, met C-Murder, decided I hated the law, and planned my wedding. OH! And how is this for an epic milestone: in the 5 years since I started blogging, THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL.
But, really, I wanted to write this post to thank the people who keep reading, who comment, who give me ideas and who are so supportive of my little fledgling operation. I don't want to embarrass anyone by calling them out specifically...but I don't know what I'd do without my readers in New York, Astoria, France, DC, London, Philly, Atlanta, Cameroon, Edinburgh, Buffalo, Los Angeles, Boston, New Orleans, North Carolina and Houston. (It may look like a lot of places, but really it only amounts to like...5 or 6 people. But I heart each and every one of you). To my mom, who only yells at me when I curse in my posts, and to my dad, who has (thankfully) kept his comments-written-in-the-form-of-rap-lyrics to a minimum. To Lee2 who keeps me updated on what's cool (vampires) and what's not (the television program "In Plain Sight.") To my cousins (all 201934 of you) who do not hold my "Bratty/Snobby/Terrible" phase against me. I know I am probably forgetting so many people, but that doesn't mean I love you/appreciate your readership any less.
Before I get all sappy, I would like to take this momentous occasion to address a couple of people.
To Corry Rush: You are still the Spawn of Satan. I will never forget how quickly you dismissed me. Having said that: all will be forgiven if you give me tickets to the Saints season opener. I would like to sit right behind the bench on the 50 yard line. You have my email.
ToLil Wayne: I still sort of hate you for picking the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game...but now that we won the Superbowl, I think maybe I can ease up on my hatred rhetoric. Thank you for letting me use your name and likeness for my website. Can you make me a promise though? While you're in prison, can you use this time to come out with some GOOD rap (like from "Tha Carter") and not this "Bed Rock" swill you are feeding us?
To the individual who keeps rejecting my facebook friend request: I got your number, sister. And if you think my friend requests are going to stop, you've got another thing coming. Every time you reject me, I just am more determined to keep requesting you. By the by, in my book, people who unfriend people on facebook are degenerates. So...good luck in life.
To Justin Bieber: It's really cool to hate on you right now, so I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Your hair bothers me. And I hate how much money you have. And I think I may have drunkenly signed up to be on your email distribution list, and now you won't stop spamming me with email. Are you even old enough to operate a computer?
Well...it is late, and I must go to sleep now, but I love you all, and thank you so much for reading! Read more
Five years ago today, I created Lil Layne...although back then, it was known as "Spring Travels." It started off as a way to document a 3 week backpacking trip around Europe. Remember that, Amy? The early posts were extremely rough and unedited. It also took me an embarrassing amount of time to learn that you are meant to put punctuation marks inside the quotation marks like "this!" instead of "this"!. At one point I set out to go back and correct all the old posts, but I have since decided to just let people think I was drunk the entire time I was writing (which was probably true 90% of the time).
I remember writing my first post ever. I honestly thought I wouldn't write a second post because I didn't want to be lumped in the same category as people who used Livejournal. (ASIDE: do people still even USE livejournal? Remember Friendster? Wow. Blast from the past.) In any event...I thought blogs were weird. But then I met someone who was normal who had a blog (I think it may have been Brian Wagner, who I highly doubt even reads this blog, but maybe I will send him a well-timed facebook message), and I decided that maybe I could write one too.
So much has happened in the 5 years since I started Lil Layne: I graduated from college, got my first job, had my first female stalker, traveled to the Dominican Republic and began hating Canadians, got into law school, met C-Murder, decided I hated the law, and planned my wedding. OH! And how is this for an epic milestone: in the 5 years since I started blogging, THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL.
But, really, I wanted to write this post to thank the people who keep reading, who comment, who give me ideas and who are so supportive of my little fledgling operation. I don't want to embarrass anyone by calling them out specifically...but I don't know what I'd do without my readers in New York, Astoria, France, DC, London, Philly, Atlanta, Cameroon, Edinburgh, Buffalo, Los Angeles, Boston, New Orleans, North Carolina and Houston. (It may look like a lot of places, but really it only amounts to like...5 or 6 people. But I heart each and every one of you). To my mom, who only yells at me when I curse in my posts, and to my dad, who has (thankfully) kept his comments-written-in-the-form-of-rap-lyrics to a minimum. To Lee2 who keeps me updated on what's cool (vampires) and what's not (the television program "In Plain Sight.") To my cousins (all 201934 of you) who do not hold my "Bratty/Snobby/Terrible" phase against me. I know I am probably forgetting so many people, but that doesn't mean I love you/appreciate your readership any less.
Before I get all sappy, I would like to take this momentous occasion to address a couple of people.
To Corry Rush: You are still the Spawn of Satan. I will never forget how quickly you dismissed me. Having said that: all will be forgiven if you give me tickets to the Saints season opener. I would like to sit right behind the bench on the 50 yard line. You have my email.
ToLil Wayne: I still sort of hate you for picking the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game...but now that we won the Superbowl, I think maybe I can ease up on my hatred rhetoric. Thank you for letting me use your name and likeness for my website. Can you make me a promise though? While you're in prison, can you use this time to come out with some GOOD rap (like from "Tha Carter") and not this "Bed Rock" swill you are feeding us?
To the individual who keeps rejecting my facebook friend request: I got your number, sister. And if you think my friend requests are going to stop, you've got another thing coming. Every time you reject me, I just am more determined to keep requesting you. By the by, in my book, people who unfriend people on facebook are degenerates. So...good luck in life.
To Justin Bieber: It's really cool to hate on you right now, so I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. Your hair bothers me. And I hate how much money you have. And I think I may have drunkenly signed up to be on your email distribution list, and now you won't stop spamming me with email. Are you even old enough to operate a computer?
Well...it is late, and I must go to sleep now, but I love you all, and thank you so much for reading! Read more
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Have you ever heard of Scott Williams?
Before there was Evan Lysacek, and Johnny Weir...there was Scott Williams.
I think I like the way the commentators try to objectively discuss his choreography and style. At some moments in this Nirvana routine, I think he is channeling the late great Chris Farely playing Matt Foley (aka, the "Van down by a river" motivational speaker).
Anybody Remember Truly, Madly, Deeply? He's really got a way with his hips.
Funnily enough, I googled Scott Williams, and it turns out that he was (at one point in time) a coach to Michelle Kwan. Looks like Scotty has hit some rough times, and can now be seen skating at a rink in Redondo Beach, California. Read more
I think I like the way the commentators try to objectively discuss his choreography and style. At some moments in this Nirvana routine, I think he is channeling the late great Chris Farely playing Matt Foley (aka, the "Van down by a river" motivational speaker).
Anybody Remember Truly, Madly, Deeply? He's really got a way with his hips.
Funnily enough, I googled Scott Williams, and it turns out that he was (at one point in time) a coach to Michelle Kwan. Looks like Scotty has hit some rough times, and can now be seen skating at a rink in Redondo Beach, California. Read more
Party Crashing
It's been a while internets! Some of my loyal readers wondered whether I ever ended up achieving my goals of attending any parties at the Orthopedic Surgeon Convention in New Orleans. Oh ye of little faith.
OF COURSE I DID. And it wasn't just one party. It was 6 parties. What up, Salahis? Who's the party-crasher now?
So, after leaving the convention center, I made my way over to the business district. I wasn't really *intending* to crash six parties when I walked over there. I was just bored and thought that I could walk to canal street, catch the streetcar back home, where I would promptly take a 20 minute nap on the couch, and wake up just in time for Parks and Recreation. Such is the life of a 20-something Single Lady in her prime. What up, Golden Girls!
Luckily, fate had more in store for me that night. As I was walking down Fulton Street, I saw this bar set up in the middle of the street with a sign in front of the restaurant that said, "Closed for a Private Party." JACKPOT. I staked out the premises for a while and waited for a moment when the door monitors had walked away to get another drink from the bar. I then ran inside.
Party 1 Host: A Biological Engineering Firm making synthetic cartilage
Free Goodies: Open Bar, Shrimp and Grits, Bread Pudding, Gumbo, Pasta, and Carving Station
Upon entering the party, I felt as though I had won the lottery. All of my blogging and walking around the restaurant had made me hungry for dinner, and there is nothing I like more than some good old fashioned shrimp and grits. Being the delicate and classy southern lady I am, I helped myself to several plates. I also helped myself to 2 gin and tonics. As I was standing at the bar (trying to figure out if I could order some beers and stuff them in my bag, or if I should pace myself in case I went to more parties) I overheard this 30-40yr old diminutive man talking loudly to this older gentleman. Here is a transcript of the conversation.
Diminutive Man: So yeah...like...I left her back at the hotel. (I could only assume he was talking about his wife at this point.)
Old Man: Do you often travel together?
Diminutive Man: Well she had never been to New Orleans, and I thought, why not??
Old Man: That is nice of you. (I immediately wondered why this man would think it "nice" of a husband to take his wife with him on vacation?)
Diminutive Man: Yeah, I mean...she has her own hotel room too. (What a weird relationship this man has with his wife, I thought to myself).
Old Man: Well I would hope so (Note: At this point I was SERIOUSLY confused...why would the husband and wife have separate hotel rooms??)
Diminutive Man: I mean, no way was I going to have my mom sharing a room with me...interfering with my ability to come and go as I please. I mean, I am my own man, and if I want to come out to a party like this, I'm not going to let my mom tell my otherwise.
I immediately burst out laughing and spit out my drink all over myself upon the realization that this GROWN MAN had brought his mother on vacation with him. NOT TO MENTION he was talking about it openly at a party. The Diminutive Man immediately took note of me (mostly because I *literally* spit my gin and tonic across the bar) and yelled out, "Bartender, let me buy this woman another drink!" while winking. I laughed out loud again, because - FYI, GUY - it was an open bar. At that point I decided it was time to move on.
Party 2 Host: Some ski injury clinic in Salt Lake City Utah
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Free Chapstick, and a vegetable plate
Honestly - this party was seriously something boring. First of all, it was attended by maybe 4 people, and they all knew each other, and they all knew I was clearly crashing. I could have cared less. I went in there, helped myself to some broccoli spears and a tube of vanilla flavored chapstick, and I walked out.
Party 3 Host: Arkansas Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Passed Hors D’Oeuvres which were not offered to me
Another party I walked into where it was clear that I did not belong. Imagine the coworkers on your team having a party in a conference room, and then imagine a person you've never even seen before in your entire life walking in and following the waitress around looking for a puffed pastry. I was that girl. I don't think I lasted 2 minutes there.
Party 4 Host: Some Orthopedic engineering company who manufacture metal rods
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Free alcohol, and cake.
This party had been quite the event before I got there -- it was winding down just as I walked in. There had been so many people there that they had run out of ice and crystal glasses. I didn't care, and I took my drink without ice and in a plastic cup (college style). I walked around for a bit, and listened to some man explain the metal contraptions. He was boring me, so I just started picking up the contraptions off the table, and started winging them about. This did not go over well, and it wasn't too long before I felt it best that I leave the party, before I was forcibly removed.
Party 5 Host: Indiana Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Ice, and Crystal Glasses
AND YET ANOTHER PARTY where everyone knew each other, and I was standing there awkwardly by myself. I immediately went up to the bar and demanded that they replace my plastic glass from the last party with a crystal one, and that they provide me with some ice. After I was equipped with a proper looking drink, it took me about 4 minutes of standing alone and drunkenly swaying by myself to notice that not only was I the only person standing alone, but I was the only woman attending the party. So I did what any uncommon woman would do, and I proceeded to chat up the female janitor who was cleaning up. I confided in her that I was party crashing, and rather than kick me out, she told me that I should come back tomorrow night for even better parties We talked for a while -- I gave her my advice on law school (don't do it), she told me about how she was switching jobs, and we became BFFs, although I do not remember her name. Also - I was getting pretty drunk. Eventually when I noticed people pointing, staring, and talking about me, I decided it was, yet again, time to move on.
Party 6 Host: Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets
Location: Whiskey Blue
Goodies: Professional Basketball Players
Another new bff I made, the manager of the Whiskey Blue Bar, gave me the heads up that this party was going to be going down that night (it was CP3's girlfriend's birthday), so obviously I had to stay. It was AN ETERNITY before they actually arrived, but once they did, it was awesome. I went up to Chris Paul, and said the following to him:
"Thankyouforallyoudoforthecity :::BREATH::: YouAreShorterThanYouLookOnTVThatsSoCool :::BREATH::: IFollowYouOnTwitterIamLilLayne :::BREATH:::: BYE!!"
Another Successful interaction with a celebrity.
Needless to say, I think I have found my niche: Crashing Parties. It is something I genuinely enjoy doing. My friends and I were crashing weddings before the movie "Wedding Crashers" even came out. So, I think it is something I may do more of in the future. Stay tuned. Read more
OF COURSE I DID. And it wasn't just one party. It was 6 parties. What up, Salahis? Who's the party-crasher now?
So, after leaving the convention center, I made my way over to the business district. I wasn't really *intending* to crash six parties when I walked over there. I was just bored and thought that I could walk to canal street, catch the streetcar back home, where I would promptly take a 20 minute nap on the couch, and wake up just in time for Parks and Recreation. Such is the life of a 20-something Single Lady in her prime. What up, Golden Girls!
Luckily, fate had more in store for me that night. As I was walking down Fulton Street, I saw this bar set up in the middle of the street with a sign in front of the restaurant that said, "Closed for a Private Party." JACKPOT. I staked out the premises for a while and waited for a moment when the door monitors had walked away to get another drink from the bar. I then ran inside.
Party 1 Host: A Biological Engineering Firm making synthetic cartilage
Free Goodies: Open Bar, Shrimp and Grits, Bread Pudding, Gumbo, Pasta, and Carving Station
Upon entering the party, I felt as though I had won the lottery. All of my blogging and walking around the restaurant had made me hungry for dinner, and there is nothing I like more than some good old fashioned shrimp and grits. Being the delicate and classy southern lady I am, I helped myself to several plates. I also helped myself to 2 gin and tonics. As I was standing at the bar (trying to figure out if I could order some beers and stuff them in my bag, or if I should pace myself in case I went to more parties) I overheard this 30-40yr old diminutive man talking loudly to this older gentleman. Here is a transcript of the conversation.
Diminutive Man: So yeah...like...I left her back at the hotel. (I could only assume he was talking about his wife at this point.)
Old Man: Do you often travel together?
Diminutive Man: Well she had never been to New Orleans, and I thought, why not??
Old Man: That is nice of you. (I immediately wondered why this man would think it "nice" of a husband to take his wife with him on vacation?)
Diminutive Man: Yeah, I mean...she has her own hotel room too. (What a weird relationship this man has with his wife, I thought to myself).
Old Man: Well I would hope so (Note: At this point I was SERIOUSLY confused...why would the husband and wife have separate hotel rooms??)
Diminutive Man: I mean, no way was I going to have my mom sharing a room with me...interfering with my ability to come and go as I please. I mean, I am my own man, and if I want to come out to a party like this, I'm not going to let my mom tell my otherwise.
I immediately burst out laughing and spit out my drink all over myself upon the realization that this GROWN MAN had brought his mother on vacation with him. NOT TO MENTION he was talking about it openly at a party. The Diminutive Man immediately took note of me (mostly because I *literally* spit my gin and tonic across the bar) and yelled out, "Bartender, let me buy this woman another drink!" while winking. I laughed out loud again, because - FYI, GUY - it was an open bar. At that point I decided it was time to move on.
Party 2 Host: Some ski injury clinic in Salt Lake City Utah
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Free Chapstick, and a vegetable plate
Honestly - this party was seriously something boring. First of all, it was attended by maybe 4 people, and they all knew each other, and they all knew I was clearly crashing. I could have cared less. I went in there, helped myself to some broccoli spears and a tube of vanilla flavored chapstick, and I walked out.
Party 3 Host: Arkansas Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Passed Hors D’Oeuvres which were not offered to me
Another party I walked into where it was clear that I did not belong. Imagine the coworkers on your team having a party in a conference room, and then imagine a person you've never even seen before in your entire life walking in and following the waitress around looking for a puffed pastry. I was that girl. I don't think I lasted 2 minutes there.
Party 4 Host: Some Orthopedic engineering company who manufacture metal rods
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Free alcohol, and cake.
This party had been quite the event before I got there -- it was winding down just as I walked in. There had been so many people there that they had run out of ice and crystal glasses. I didn't care, and I took my drink without ice and in a plastic cup (college style). I walked around for a bit, and listened to some man explain the metal contraptions. He was boring me, so I just started picking up the contraptions off the table, and started winging them about. This did not go over well, and it wasn't too long before I felt it best that I leave the party, before I was forcibly removed.
Party 5 Host: Indiana Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Ice, and Crystal Glasses
AND YET ANOTHER PARTY where everyone knew each other, and I was standing there awkwardly by myself. I immediately went up to the bar and demanded that they replace my plastic glass from the last party with a crystal one, and that they provide me with some ice. After I was equipped with a proper looking drink, it took me about 4 minutes of standing alone and drunkenly swaying by myself to notice that not only was I the only person standing alone, but I was the only woman attending the party. So I did what any uncommon woman would do, and I proceeded to chat up the female janitor who was cleaning up. I confided in her that I was party crashing, and rather than kick me out, she told me that I should come back tomorrow night for even better parties We talked for a while -- I gave her my advice on law school (don't do it), she told me about how she was switching jobs, and we became BFFs, although I do not remember her name. Also - I was getting pretty drunk. Eventually when I noticed people pointing, staring, and talking about me, I decided it was, yet again, time to move on.
Party 6 Host: Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets
Location: Whiskey Blue
Goodies: Professional Basketball Players
Another new bff I made, the manager of the Whiskey Blue Bar, gave me the heads up that this party was going to be going down that night (it was CP3's girlfriend's birthday), so obviously I had to stay. It was AN ETERNITY before they actually arrived, but once they did, it was awesome. I went up to Chris Paul, and said the following to him:
"Thankyouforallyoudoforthecity :::BREATH::: YouAreShorterThanYouLookOnTVThatsSoCool :::BREATH::: IFollowYouOnTwitterIamLilLayne :::BREATH:::: BYE!!"
Another Successful interaction with a celebrity.
Needless to say, I think I have found my niche: Crashing Parties. It is something I genuinely enjoy doing. My friends and I were crashing weddings before the movie "Wedding Crashers" even came out. So, I think it is something I may do more of in the future. Stay tuned. Read more
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day 2 of the AAOS Convention
Like the Terminator once said...."I'm BAACCK." Yes, I have returned to the AAOS convention DETERMINED that I will find a story in this mess.
I am still without a badge, and I'm not sure I will be able to get one, short of some sort of Oceans 11-esque plot involving balloons, sleeping pills, a doppelganger and a chef's uniform. However, I have learned that you do *not* need a badge to go into some room called the "Academy." In the the "academy" they have side-by-side televisions showing surgeries. If ever I was able to fool anyone into thinking I was a medical doctor, they would quickly realize "not so much" upon seeing my facial expression as I watch surgery on tv. Something like this:
Goals for the day:
1) Speak to one real life orthopedic surgeon
2) Find out if Dr. James Andrews (a/k/a the rock star surgeon who worked on Drew Brees' shoulder) is here
3) try to speak to Dr. Jams Andrews and thank him for putting Drew Brees back together
4) Get invited to a post-conference after party.
Not a tall order, right? Read more
I am still without a badge, and I'm not sure I will be able to get one, short of some sort of Oceans 11-esque plot involving balloons, sleeping pills, a doppelganger and a chef's uniform. However, I have learned that you do *not* need a badge to go into some room called the "Academy." In the the "academy" they have side-by-side televisions showing surgeries. If ever I was able to fool anyone into thinking I was a medical doctor, they would quickly realize "not so much" upon seeing my facial expression as I watch surgery on tv. Something like this:
Goals for the day:
1) Speak to one real life orthopedic surgeon
2) Find out if Dr. James Andrews (a/k/a the rock star surgeon who worked on Drew Brees' shoulder) is here
3) try to speak to Dr. Jams Andrews and thank him for putting Drew Brees back together
4) Get invited to a post-conference after party.
Not a tall order, right? Read more
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
An Open Letter to Darren Sharper
Dear Darren,
So I read in the Times Picayune that you aren't feeling "the love" from New Orleans. I've decided to do something about that.
Every time you intercept a football, I raise my arms in the air and scream and cry like a 3 year old at a Justin Bieber concert. Truth. I also stood out in the rain to watch you walk into the dvd red carpet "premiere" party at the Prytania. Did you see me? I was the one screaming, "DARREN SHARPER I LOVE YOU DARREN SHARPER."
Please don't leave New Orleans. I can't take all of these departures. When the news reported that Scott Fujita was going to Cleveland for a meeting, I thought of writing an open letter to him, pleading for him to say. I didn't, and we know how that ended. If you go, I may never be able to get out of my bed. Please. Don't go.
Love,
Lil Layne Read more
So I read in the Times Picayune that you aren't feeling "the love" from New Orleans. I've decided to do something about that.
Every time you intercept a football, I raise my arms in the air and scream and cry like a 3 year old at a Justin Bieber concert. Truth. I also stood out in the rain to watch you walk into the dvd red carpet "premiere" party at the Prytania. Did you see me? I was the one screaming, "DARREN SHARPER I LOVE YOU DARREN SHARPER."
Please don't leave New Orleans. I can't take all of these departures. When the news reported that Scott Fujita was going to Cleveland for a meeting, I thought of writing an open letter to him, pleading for him to say. I didn't, and we know how that ended. If you go, I may never be able to get out of my bed. Please. Don't go.
Love,
Lil Layne Read more
Well - time to throw in the towel
My battery power is almost gone, and the only thing I accomplished today was talking to some retirees (working as greeters) about their dislike of sushi, and how they think I should work at IHOP this summer. Things I need to acquire if I want to come back tomorrow:
1) A badge
2) Crutches (might make for a good conversation starter)
3) A sign that says, "Tell me the most entertaining thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures"
4) More professional looking clothing
5) A Medical Degree
6) A flask filled with alcohol. Read more
1) A badge
2) Crutches (might make for a good conversation starter)
3) A sign that says, "Tell me the most entertaining thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures"
4) More professional looking clothing
5) A Medical Degree
6) A flask filled with alcohol. Read more
Is my day coming to an end?
This convention appears to be coming to an end, and I have not spoken to one real life orthopedic surgeon yet!
I was hoping someone could check out my hamstring pull, preferably Dr. James Andrews. I mean, I did pull it while running a 5k...so that would make it a sports injury, right?
OMG. This table of 5 surgeons is sitting right next to me talking about....you guessed it: SUTURES. I would get bored of this real quick. Maybe I will come back tomorrow with a sign that says, "Tell me the most interesting thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures." You think I will get any responses? Or will I be kicked out with a quickness?
Hey! I found something doctors and lawyers have in common!
We both write on yellow notepads! A commonality! But I thought doctors had terrible handwriting? Wouldn't smartphones or computers be better for them?
The suture talk continues next to me. I wonder if I start yelling out "SUTURE MALPRACTICE LAWSUIT LAWYER DAUBERT WITNESS LAWYER SUTURES MALPRACTICE" they might change their topic of conversation. Read more
I was hoping someone could check out my hamstring pull, preferably Dr. James Andrews. I mean, I did pull it while running a 5k...so that would make it a sports injury, right?
OMG. This table of 5 surgeons is sitting right next to me talking about....you guessed it: SUTURES. I would get bored of this real quick. Maybe I will come back tomorrow with a sign that says, "Tell me the most interesting thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures." You think I will get any responses? Or will I be kicked out with a quickness?
Hey! I found something doctors and lawyers have in common!
We both write on yellow notepads! A commonality! But I thought doctors had terrible handwriting? Wouldn't smartphones or computers be better for them?
The suture talk continues next to me. I wonder if I start yelling out "SUTURE MALPRACTICE LAWSUIT LAWYER DAUBERT WITNESS LAWYER SUTURES MALPRACTICE" they might change their topic of conversation. Read more
Doctors v. Lawyers
These doctors are very tame in comparison to what I imagine a lawyer's convention of this size might be like.
I mean, I'm not going to lie -- my only frame of reference for how doctors behave is based on a study of "Grey's Anatomy" - so it might be somewhat skewed. But it is 4pm on a Wednesday of a week long convention. If these were lawyers, they would be drunk already. They would maybe even be carrying beers around them from lecture to lecture. But everyone here is very serious, and discussing "rate of infection" and comparing suture types. BORING.
Also - these doctors are too healthy. They are all eating salads. THIS IS NEW ORLEANS. As a tourist, if each meal doesn't contain something fried, you have already failed to experience the city to the best of your ability. Lawyers like to chow down. I've seen it time and time again -- given the choice between a free chik fil-et lunch, or a free "rolly polly" lunch, the law students are going to pick fried chicken.
I am tempted to yell out, "Where the after party at?!?!" in this crowded 'cafe'. Are these doctors even partying at night? Or do they go home and eat salads and watch tv programs about sutures? What about the doctors rocking jeans and leather jackets - they HAVE to be party animals, right? Read more
I mean, I'm not going to lie -- my only frame of reference for how doctors behave is based on a study of "Grey's Anatomy" - so it might be somewhat skewed. But it is 4pm on a Wednesday of a week long convention. If these were lawyers, they would be drunk already. They would maybe even be carrying beers around them from lecture to lecture. But everyone here is very serious, and discussing "rate of infection" and comparing suture types. BORING.
Also - these doctors are too healthy. They are all eating salads. THIS IS NEW ORLEANS. As a tourist, if each meal doesn't contain something fried, you have already failed to experience the city to the best of your ability. Lawyers like to chow down. I've seen it time and time again -- given the choice between a free chik fil-et lunch, or a free "rolly polly" lunch, the law students are going to pick fried chicken.
I am tempted to yell out, "Where the after party at?!?!" in this crowded 'cafe'. Are these doctors even partying at night? Or do they go home and eat salads and watch tv programs about sutures? What about the doctors rocking jeans and leather jackets - they HAVE to be party animals, right? Read more
Live from the AAOS
I am Live from the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons annual convention. Bringing in about 30,000 people, this is the largest convention to come to New Orleans since Katrina. It seemed like a pretty big deal, so obviously I wanted to gate-crash. Some observations:
1) There is not very much parity between men and women in this field. I would say the breakdown between men and women at this convention is approximately 70/30. I am so proud of the few women I do see that I want to go up to them and say, "You go girl!" but that would be creepy and uncomfortable.
2) According to a woman I just met, the exhibits here are really, really, really expensive and elaborate. I obviously am determined to get into the halls, but I am unsure of how I might go about doing that as they are very strict about having badges. She mentioned that she might be able to give me an extra badge...so let's keep our fingers crossed.
3) Everyone in here is wearing suits, and I am wearing jeans and carrying a backpack. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb. There are *some* doctors here who have decided to eschew the normal professional dress protocol, and are rocking leather jackets/etc. These are obviously the more "badass" orthopedic surgeons. I obviously wish to befriend them.
4) I was sort of expecting all of the orthopedic surgeons to look like this:
For those of you who must obviously live under a rock, that is none other than Dr. Jack Shephard, from LOST. When I think about my dream future husband, I imagine him to look and act exactly like Dr. Shephard. But...the doctors at this convention look nothing like him. I am very disappointed.
5) You know what's a really fun game to pay while here? Go to a crowded hallway, and say the word "MALPRACTICE" at a really high volume. This one guy almost fell over himself trying to run away from me. Read more
1) There is not very much parity between men and women in this field. I would say the breakdown between men and women at this convention is approximately 70/30. I am so proud of the few women I do see that I want to go up to them and say, "You go girl!" but that would be creepy and uncomfortable.
2) According to a woman I just met, the exhibits here are really, really, really expensive and elaborate. I obviously am determined to get into the halls, but I am unsure of how I might go about doing that as they are very strict about having badges. She mentioned that she might be able to give me an extra badge...so let's keep our fingers crossed.
3) Everyone in here is wearing suits, and I am wearing jeans and carrying a backpack. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb. There are *some* doctors here who have decided to eschew the normal professional dress protocol, and are rocking leather jackets/etc. These are obviously the more "badass" orthopedic surgeons. I obviously wish to befriend them.
4) I was sort of expecting all of the orthopedic surgeons to look like this:
For those of you who must obviously live under a rock, that is none other than Dr. Jack Shephard, from LOST. When I think about my dream future husband, I imagine him to look and act exactly like Dr. Shephard. But...the doctors at this convention look nothing like him. I am very disappointed.
5) You know what's a really fun game to pay while here? Go to a crowded hallway, and say the word "MALPRACTICE" at a really high volume. This one guy almost fell over himself trying to run away from me. Read more
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Douglas Schantz: Body has been found
This morning, the body of Douglas Schantz was found underneath the dock near the steamboat Natchez.
The timing seems very weird to me because they said the found the body at around 10am, but there was no mention of the dead body on the 12pm news. The body was identified around 1:40pm.
What was going on in this man's head? He had to JUMP OVER A FENCE to get to the dock! Sequent Energy is publicly traded - I might take a peek at their SEC filings. Of course, I know so little about this thing that I don't know if I could tell if anything was off in the business. But maybe someone who knows more about company filings might take a look?
Also - WHOSE BODY DID THEY FIND IN GENTILLY? Still radio silence on that issue. Read more
The timing seems very weird to me because they said the found the body at around 10am, but there was no mention of the dead body on the 12pm news. The body was identified around 1:40pm.
What was going on in this man's head? He had to JUMP OVER A FENCE to get to the dock! Sequent Energy is publicly traded - I might take a peek at their SEC filings. Of course, I know so little about this thing that I don't know if I could tell if anything was off in the business. But maybe someone who knows more about company filings might take a look?
Also - WHOSE BODY DID THEY FIND IN GENTILLY? Still radio silence on that issue. Read more
Douglas Schantz: An Update
So the T-P is now reporting that Schantz probably fell into the river. While this is extremely tragic, it leaves me with more questions.
First of all - why did it take the NOPD approximately 3 days to put together the footage tracing from from Razzoos to the river? Are the crime cameras that cumbersome to operate? Or (more likely) is this the first time anyone from the NOPD has used the crime cameras to solve an actual crime. Also - am confused about what the crime cameras actually show. Are they live streaming video footage, or are they pictures of the area taken every 2 minutes? How can someone be on a crime camera at one moment, and then disappear at another? If it is this "still-shot" system - what is the frequency with which they take photographs?
Second: Why was this being treated like a homicide for the first 3 days of the investigation? Last night I spoke to a police officer (while standing in line waiting for a commemorative Saints signed DVD...), and he told me that he and his friends on the force thought the whole thing was being handled very oddly. He said that they were all speculating that either a) there was some sort of ransom situation that they weren't telling anyone about or b) that dead body they found in gentilly was him. Now that we know he is probably in the river -- why were they so cloak and dagger about the whole thing? I get not wanting to spotlight a tourist murder during the biggest convention since Katrina, but had they been more on their game (see, e.g., my first question) they would have known he was probably in the river, and people would have been able to target their search for his body.
Third: How did this man get so drunk? He was 54 years old, he had a flight early in the morning and was planning to meet up with his daughter - how much was he drinking? Did he *intend* to get that drunk? Is it possible he was drugged? They are saying he appeared "disoriented" -- did someone slip him something?
We may obviously never know the answers to these questions. My thoughts go out with the family. Read more
First of all - why did it take the NOPD approximately 3 days to put together the footage tracing from from Razzoos to the river? Are the crime cameras that cumbersome to operate? Or (more likely) is this the first time anyone from the NOPD has used the crime cameras to solve an actual crime. Also - am confused about what the crime cameras actually show. Are they live streaming video footage, or are they pictures of the area taken every 2 minutes? How can someone be on a crime camera at one moment, and then disappear at another? If it is this "still-shot" system - what is the frequency with which they take photographs?
Second: Why was this being treated like a homicide for the first 3 days of the investigation? Last night I spoke to a police officer (while standing in line waiting for a commemorative Saints signed DVD...), and he told me that he and his friends on the force thought the whole thing was being handled very oddly. He said that they were all speculating that either a) there was some sort of ransom situation that they weren't telling anyone about or b) that dead body they found in gentilly was him. Now that we know he is probably in the river -- why were they so cloak and dagger about the whole thing? I get not wanting to spotlight a tourist murder during the biggest convention since Katrina, but had they been more on their game (see, e.g., my first question) they would have known he was probably in the river, and people would have been able to target their search for his body.
Third: How did this man get so drunk? He was 54 years old, he had a flight early in the morning and was planning to meet up with his daughter - how much was he drinking? Did he *intend* to get that drunk? Is it possible he was drugged? They are saying he appeared "disoriented" -- did someone slip him something?
We may obviously never know the answers to these questions. My thoughts go out with the family. Read more
Monday, March 08, 2010
Corry Rush STRIKES AGAIN.
Earlier today, Spawn of Satan Corry Rush responded to my email about the DVD release party. I was as surprised as you are. He gave me the contact information for a man over at the Saints org that he said claimed could get me a ticket to the DVD Release event. Corry was so quick in responding, and so helpful, that I almost wanted to write a retraction of my prior posts about him. Good thing I didn't because I was unceremoniously turned away at the event tonight like I was garbage. I was dressed up standing in the rain, no less.
The individual keeping guard of the "guest list" told me, "Mr. Saints Suit says he can't give you authorization, because this isn't his event." This was likely a lie, but since the Saints can do no wrong in my eyes (What up, Lombardi Trophy!), I am going to pin this one on Corry Rush. This is clearly his fault, and his fingerprints are ALL OVER IT. You're only digging yourself in deeper with me, my friend.
Before I was turned away from the party, I did get to see drew brees from a distance (he turned around and smiled at the crowd - I swooned), Fletcher Mackel (a tv news correspondent who *really* enjoys wearing skinny legged jeans), and Darren Sharper (who was on crutches, recovering from some arthroscopic surgery on his knee).
Before being thrown out, I got to interview THE MOST important member of the Saints organization!
That's right. I interviewed Gumbo, the Saints Mascot.
Okay - so "interview" might be a bit of a stretch...seeing as how he is a mascot and doesn't speak. But I did ask him questions. The following is an accurate transcript of our interaction.
LL: Hey Gumbo, hey! Over here! :::waives wildly:::
Gumbo: :::runs over and starts making exaggerated dog panting noises:::
LL: How did it feel when Reggie Bush accidentally pushed you to the ground??
Gumbo: :::mimes having an 'ache-y back:::
LL: So your back hurt a lot?
Gumbo: :::shakes head in agreement:::
LL: You know, I'm interviewing Kyle Turley this Friday
Gumbo: :::jumps up and down in appreciation. Gumbo then mimes taking his helmet and throwing it on the ground, a la Kyle Turley circa early 2000s
LL: You know - you might be the best person I ever interviewed. That's not saying much though...
Gumbo: :::moves head up and down in an exaggerated fashion, as if to say, "I got you"::::
LL: I've really enjoyed talking to you. HEY! Do you have a date for this party?
Gumbo: ::::Slowly walks away and starts talking to a 40+ year old woman wearing mardi gras beads.:::
So that ended that. I wasted the entire evening, and all I got out of it was an interview with a half dog/half football player who doesn't speak. Read more
The individual keeping guard of the "guest list" told me, "Mr. Saints Suit says he can't give you authorization, because this isn't his event." This was likely a lie, but since the Saints can do no wrong in my eyes (What up, Lombardi Trophy!), I am going to pin this one on Corry Rush. This is clearly his fault, and his fingerprints are ALL OVER IT. You're only digging yourself in deeper with me, my friend.
Before I was turned away from the party, I did get to see drew brees from a distance (he turned around and smiled at the crowd - I swooned), Fletcher Mackel (a tv news correspondent who *really* enjoys wearing skinny legged jeans), and Darren Sharper (who was on crutches, recovering from some arthroscopic surgery on his knee).
Before being thrown out, I got to interview THE MOST important member of the Saints organization!
That's right. I interviewed Gumbo, the Saints Mascot.
Okay - so "interview" might be a bit of a stretch...seeing as how he is a mascot and doesn't speak. But I did ask him questions. The following is an accurate transcript of our interaction.
LL: Hey Gumbo, hey! Over here! :::waives wildly:::
Gumbo: :::runs over and starts making exaggerated dog panting noises:::
LL: How did it feel when Reggie Bush accidentally pushed you to the ground??
Gumbo: :::mimes having an 'ache-y back:::
LL: So your back hurt a lot?
Gumbo: :::shakes head in agreement:::
LL: You know, I'm interviewing Kyle Turley this Friday
Gumbo: :::jumps up and down in appreciation. Gumbo then mimes taking his helmet and throwing it on the ground, a la Kyle Turley circa early 2000s
LL: You know - you might be the best person I ever interviewed. That's not saying much though...
Gumbo: :::moves head up and down in an exaggerated fashion, as if to say, "I got you"::::
LL: I've really enjoyed talking to you. HEY! Do you have a date for this party?
Gumbo: ::::Slowly walks away and starts talking to a 40+ year old woman wearing mardi gras beads.:::
So that ended that. I wasted the entire evening, and all I got out of it was an interview with a half dog/half football player who doesn't speak. Read more
What Happened to Douglas Schantz?
It's no secret that New Orleans primary industry is tourism. People come to New Orleans to party their cares away by treating themselves to hot jazz, good food, and strong drinks. Tourism had always been the one stalwart area in the economy which never failed us -- that is, of course, until Katrina. But recently, signs had started indicating a return to the pre-katrina highs for tourist revenue. Which is why a missing tourist is very bad news.
Early Friday Morning, 54 year old Houstonian Douglas Schantz went missing from Bourbon Street. He was last seen on the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse wearing a blue blazer, after having left Razzoos, a divey Bourbon Street Bar. His credit cards, cell phone, and room key had all gone unused. He was spotted one minute on a crime camera near a cab, and the next minute he was gone. Disappeared.
I suppose that many tourists go missing every year -- I mean, look at the statistics for Cruise Ships. But THIS case is so perplexing because he went missing from BOURBON STREET. Bourbon, for all of its shadiness, is supposed to one of the safest places in the whole city. Each bar is equipped with cameras, security, and there are people out there 24 hours a day. Schantz was staying at the Royal Sonesta, which was about 3 blocks away from Razzoos. How did this happen?
I decided to go down to the French Quarter to see what sort of police investigation was happening, what sort of canvassing operation was in place, etc. Imagine my surprise when I get there (around 3/4pm) and there is nothing. Nada. No signs at the hotel. No passing out of fliers. No detectives interviewing people. Nothing.
I started off my investigation at the Royal Sonesta, which looked to be back to Business As Usual. I spoke to a lady who worked at the PJs inside the hotel, and I asked her what the police presence had been like -- she told me that she had seen one homicide detective there on Saturday. When I questioned her and made sure she had said "1," she made sure to backtrack and qualify her statement by saying, "well that is all I personally saw." I asked whether they had any fliers up for other guests to see the face of the missing man, and the girl spouted off something about "hotel policy." I guess it *WOULD* be in the hotel policy to keep other guests from knowing a prior guest might be dead.
I then made the walk down the street to Razzoos. The walk was not long at all, and the proximity is such that there is NO WAY, even in a total incapacitated state, I would even THINK to get a cab to drive me home. An indication of how close the hotel is? You can see the signature blue awning of the Sonesta from the front door of Razzoos.
I would not describe Razzoos as a high end establishment. A couple of years ago, their bouncers killed a patron while trying to subdue him. So...safe to say that they've had their fair share of problems. The clientele on Sunday afternoon was mostly under 30 years old and really drunk. While I was there talking to people, this fight broke out amongst about 5-10 people, mostly women. Think: ANY fight on the TV Show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." That Schantz and work collegues would go there after having a nice dinner with Tulane administrators is extremely perplexing. Pat O'Briens, I understand. Even "Bourbon Street Blues Company" (which they would have passed on their way to Razzoos from the Royal Sonesta) would have made sense. But Razzoos? I don't think I'd take my friends there if given the choice.
From what the employees told me, Razzoos experienced an average-to-above average Thursday night. The crowd wasn't too bad early in the evening, but after midnight, it became really packed. From 8 until midnight, a live band played; and after midnight, the DJ began spinning top 40s hits.
What was Schantz doing at Razzos? Well - it shouldn't be hard to figure out because the bar is COVERED in cameras. I counted at least 12, covering the patio area, the bar area, and the street area. According to a bartender, a homicide squad came in on Saturday to review the camera footage on Saturday. She seemed to indicate that the footage showed Schantz leaving suddenly - so suddenly that he never even closed out his bar tab. This was not information that I had previously heard, so I asked her to clarify the information about the open tab specifically, and she said, "Yeah we had his credit card here the next morning." After telling me this, she looked like she realized that she said something she shouldn't have said, and tried to backtrack. She started talking rapidly about the newspaper's account about how his cards had been inactive, and how they DIDN'T have his cards, but I think she was just trying to cover her tracks, and that Schantz HAD left his card at Razzoo.
I also spoke to some shot-girls, bouncers, and bathroom attendants who were working that night. They didn't really offer me anything of importance, except for the fact that they had not been interviewed by the NOPD. Now, maybe I don't understand the complexities of a criminal investigation, but I've had quite a bit of experience in dissecting police investigations from a legal perspective. This seems...not okay. One of the bouncers didn't even REALIZE a missing guy had last been seen at his bar until Sunday morning. And he's security!
I left Razzoos and walked down to the corner where the crime cameras had last seen Schantz. Looking around, I spotted a Lucky Dog salesman, and I spoke to him. The Lucky Dog stands stay open til about 4:30am on any given night, so he would have been there when Schantz was leaving.
The Lucky Dog guy offered me a couple of interesting nuggets. He told me that on Thursday night, he remembered a guy walking down the street who was EXTREMELY intoxicated. He couldn't confirm whether it was Schantz, but he told me that he noticed him because he "looked out of place" due to his "clean cut appearance."
He also told me that on Saturday night he sold a hot-dog to a man who was wearing a blue blazer, and looked exactly like Schantz. They were so similar in appearance that the Lucky Dog vendor allegedly asked him, "are you this guy?" showing him the photograph of Schantz. According to the Lucky Dog vendor (so, take this with as many grains of salt as you want), the guy's eyes said "don't say anything dude" while he mumbled something to the effect of "no, no that's not me." This blazered Schantz doppleganger then walked into the hotel right on the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse. He told me that he ran up to some NOPD officers/investigators right after this exchange, and was met with some skepticism. He could not confirm whether he saw any officers go into the Hotel to follow up on the lead.
Another item which adds some complexity to this story is that Saturday morning, the Times Picayune reported that the police found a dead body, the victim of an apparent beating, but released no other information, or follow up about that body. Not even a description. Now, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I am related to some. They speculated that the dead body they found was that of Schantz, but because the Annual Orthopedic Surgeon convention (which brings in about 30,000 people to the city) had just begun, they preferred having the story spin, "Tourist Missing" rather than "Tourist Found Dead Near Interstate." But that would involve a high level of coordination and collusion from top down. Quite frankly, I just don't think the NOPD is organized enough to do that.
This story can go either one of two ways -- Schantz is either the victim of a truly heinous and tragic crime, or he just wanted to disappear. The fact that the NOPD is sending out their homicide squads would indicate that there is some evidence of foul play. But after talking to the Lucky Dog vendor, I was reminded of the curious case of Hannah Upp from NYC. I followed the Upp case with interest because, in some respects, she reminded me of myself. Young girl, living in NYC, goes missing without a trace. Upp was later found to be floating in the Hudson River, after having suffered from an episode of dissociative fugue syndrome. She was spotted all over the city, showering at gyms, checking her email from the Apple Store, etc. Is it possible that Schantz, at age 54, had a similar episode?
The answer is (most likely): no. New Orleans, for all of our Mardi Gras, and our Who Dat, and our Saints, is a dangerous city. A highly inebriated older man in a blazer is an attractive target. I just don't see this ending well.
Update as of Tuesday Morning. T-P Reporting Schantz likely fell into the river. Read more
Early Friday Morning, 54 year old Houstonian Douglas Schantz went missing from Bourbon Street. He was last seen on the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse wearing a blue blazer, after having left Razzoos, a divey Bourbon Street Bar. His credit cards, cell phone, and room key had all gone unused. He was spotted one minute on a crime camera near a cab, and the next minute he was gone. Disappeared.
I suppose that many tourists go missing every year -- I mean, look at the statistics for Cruise Ships. But THIS case is so perplexing because he went missing from BOURBON STREET. Bourbon, for all of its shadiness, is supposed to one of the safest places in the whole city. Each bar is equipped with cameras, security, and there are people out there 24 hours a day. Schantz was staying at the Royal Sonesta, which was about 3 blocks away from Razzoos. How did this happen?
I decided to go down to the French Quarter to see what sort of police investigation was happening, what sort of canvassing operation was in place, etc. Imagine my surprise when I get there (around 3/4pm) and there is nothing. Nada. No signs at the hotel. No passing out of fliers. No detectives interviewing people. Nothing.
I started off my investigation at the Royal Sonesta, which looked to be back to Business As Usual. I spoke to a lady who worked at the PJs inside the hotel, and I asked her what the police presence had been like -- she told me that she had seen one homicide detective there on Saturday. When I questioned her and made sure she had said "1," she made sure to backtrack and qualify her statement by saying, "well that is all I personally saw." I asked whether they had any fliers up for other guests to see the face of the missing man, and the girl spouted off something about "hotel policy." I guess it *WOULD* be in the hotel policy to keep other guests from knowing a prior guest might be dead.
I then made the walk down the street to Razzoos. The walk was not long at all, and the proximity is such that there is NO WAY, even in a total incapacitated state, I would even THINK to get a cab to drive me home. An indication of how close the hotel is? You can see the signature blue awning of the Sonesta from the front door of Razzoos.
I would not describe Razzoos as a high end establishment. A couple of years ago, their bouncers killed a patron while trying to subdue him. So...safe to say that they've had their fair share of problems. The clientele on Sunday afternoon was mostly under 30 years old and really drunk. While I was there talking to people, this fight broke out amongst about 5-10 people, mostly women. Think: ANY fight on the TV Show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." That Schantz and work collegues would go there after having a nice dinner with Tulane administrators is extremely perplexing. Pat O'Briens, I understand. Even "Bourbon Street Blues Company" (which they would have passed on their way to Razzoos from the Royal Sonesta) would have made sense. But Razzoos? I don't think I'd take my friends there if given the choice.
From what the employees told me, Razzoos experienced an average-to-above average Thursday night. The crowd wasn't too bad early in the evening, but after midnight, it became really packed. From 8 until midnight, a live band played; and after midnight, the DJ began spinning top 40s hits.
What was Schantz doing at Razzos? Well - it shouldn't be hard to figure out because the bar is COVERED in cameras. I counted at least 12, covering the patio area, the bar area, and the street area. According to a bartender, a homicide squad came in on Saturday to review the camera footage on Saturday. She seemed to indicate that the footage showed Schantz leaving suddenly - so suddenly that he never even closed out his bar tab. This was not information that I had previously heard, so I asked her to clarify the information about the open tab specifically, and she said, "Yeah we had his credit card here the next morning." After telling me this, she looked like she realized that she said something she shouldn't have said, and tried to backtrack. She started talking rapidly about the newspaper's account about how his cards had been inactive, and how they DIDN'T have his cards, but I think she was just trying to cover her tracks, and that Schantz HAD left his card at Razzoo.
I also spoke to some shot-girls, bouncers, and bathroom attendants who were working that night. They didn't really offer me anything of importance, except for the fact that they had not been interviewed by the NOPD. Now, maybe I don't understand the complexities of a criminal investigation, but I've had quite a bit of experience in dissecting police investigations from a legal perspective. This seems...not okay. One of the bouncers didn't even REALIZE a missing guy had last been seen at his bar until Sunday morning. And he's security!
I left Razzoos and walked down to the corner where the crime cameras had last seen Schantz. Looking around, I spotted a Lucky Dog salesman, and I spoke to him. The Lucky Dog stands stay open til about 4:30am on any given night, so he would have been there when Schantz was leaving.
The Lucky Dog guy offered me a couple of interesting nuggets. He told me that on Thursday night, he remembered a guy walking down the street who was EXTREMELY intoxicated. He couldn't confirm whether it was Schantz, but he told me that he noticed him because he "looked out of place" due to his "clean cut appearance."
He also told me that on Saturday night he sold a hot-dog to a man who was wearing a blue blazer, and looked exactly like Schantz. They were so similar in appearance that the Lucky Dog vendor allegedly asked him, "are you this guy?" showing him the photograph of Schantz. According to the Lucky Dog vendor (so, take this with as many grains of salt as you want), the guy's eyes said "don't say anything dude" while he mumbled something to the effect of "no, no that's not me." This blazered Schantz doppleganger then walked into the hotel right on the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse. He told me that he ran up to some NOPD officers/investigators right after this exchange, and was met with some skepticism. He could not confirm whether he saw any officers go into the Hotel to follow up on the lead.
Another item which adds some complexity to this story is that Saturday morning, the Times Picayune reported that the police found a dead body, the victim of an apparent beating, but released no other information, or follow up about that body. Not even a description. Now, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I am related to some. They speculated that the dead body they found was that of Schantz, but because the Annual Orthopedic Surgeon convention (which brings in about 30,000 people to the city) had just begun, they preferred having the story spin, "Tourist Missing" rather than "Tourist Found Dead Near Interstate." But that would involve a high level of coordination and collusion from top down. Quite frankly, I just don't think the NOPD is organized enough to do that.
This story can go either one of two ways -- Schantz is either the victim of a truly heinous and tragic crime, or he just wanted to disappear. The fact that the NOPD is sending out their homicide squads would indicate that there is some evidence of foul play. But after talking to the Lucky Dog vendor, I was reminded of the curious case of Hannah Upp from NYC. I followed the Upp case with interest because, in some respects, she reminded me of myself. Young girl, living in NYC, goes missing without a trace. Upp was later found to be floating in the Hudson River, after having suffered from an episode of dissociative fugue syndrome. She was spotted all over the city, showering at gyms, checking her email from the Apple Store, etc. Is it possible that Schantz, at age 54, had a similar episode?
The answer is (most likely): no. New Orleans, for all of our Mardi Gras, and our Who Dat, and our Saints, is a dangerous city. A highly inebriated older man in a blazer is an attractive target. I just don't see this ending well.
Update as of Tuesday Morning. T-P Reporting Schantz likely fell into the river. Read more
Non Sequiturs from New Orleans
So much has happened since Thursday! I will try to cover some of the more important topics in depth, but here are some brief little teasers.
1) I drove home from ATL, and had a tire blow out in Alabama. Anyone who tells you that rural Alabama is not scary is lying to you. I spent a harrowing 45 minutes in some garage clutching my blackberry like a sword. Luckily, I got home (eventually).
2) Persistence pays off! After tweeting all the saints players/siblings of saints players/people affiliated with the saints - one finally responded! This Friday, I will be interviewing Kyle Turley, former Saint and total badass.
3) Scott Fujita is leaving the Saints to go to the Browns. He got a deal from them that the Saints couldn't/didn't want to match. He was one of my favorite players, if only because he had a masters degree. Scott, you will be greatly missed. I actually am surprised I could get out of bed this morning after hearing the news, to be honest with you.
4) There will be a premiere party tonight at the Prytania for the release of the Saints Super Bowl DVD. I have emails out to contacts EVERYWHERE - including Corry Rush. Let's hope I can get a ticket. If not - I hope the paparrazi at the "red carpet" portion of the event are ready for a little competition. Check back later tonight for my updates.
5) Another tourist has gone missing in New Orleans. Yesterday I went to the French Quarter and spoke to some people about it. I'll write a more detailed post about this later. Yes, I am capable of being a serious-minded investigative journalist. Read more
1) I drove home from ATL, and had a tire blow out in Alabama. Anyone who tells you that rural Alabama is not scary is lying to you. I spent a harrowing 45 minutes in some garage clutching my blackberry like a sword. Luckily, I got home (eventually).
2) Persistence pays off! After tweeting all the saints players/siblings of saints players/people affiliated with the saints - one finally responded! This Friday, I will be interviewing Kyle Turley, former Saint and total badass.
3) Scott Fujita is leaving the Saints to go to the Browns. He got a deal from them that the Saints couldn't/didn't want to match. He was one of my favorite players, if only because he had a masters degree. Scott, you will be greatly missed. I actually am surprised I could get out of bed this morning after hearing the news, to be honest with you.
4) There will be a premiere party tonight at the Prytania for the release of the Saints Super Bowl DVD. I have emails out to contacts EVERYWHERE - including Corry Rush. Let's hope I can get a ticket. If not - I hope the paparrazi at the "red carpet" portion of the event are ready for a little competition. Check back later tonight for my updates.
5) Another tourist has gone missing in New Orleans. Yesterday I went to the French Quarter and spoke to some people about it. I'll write a more detailed post about this later. Yes, I am capable of being a serious-minded investigative journalist. Read more
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Live from Central Perk
Dear Readers - I am live from Central Perk...a starbucks located somewhere in Metro Atlanta where I can occasionally blog.
Why do I call it Central Perk? Well, for one, everyone here knows my name! And by "name" I obviously mean, "overworked law student." How cute - they think I am working as I type furiously into my laptop. If only they knew that I was watching videos of Drew and Baylen Brees on loop.
But the other reason I call this place "Central Perk" is that there are so many regulars here that I feel like it's my haunt. First, you have the 180yr old woman who brings her own space heater that she plugs in under her table. Then there is guy who wears leather loafers, no socks, and has floppy hair. He always orders 2 venti macchiatos that he then proceeds to double fist. Finally, you have the various and sundry old-man lawyers who seemingly come to this starbucks to work. They LOVE to talk to law students, passing out their business cards like candy at Halloween. My friend once commented that their willingness to pass out their business card might indicate a less than stellar law practice, but..let's be honest here: wouldn't the fact that their office is a STARBUCKS be the first red flag that things aren't going well?
Everyone at this Starbucks appears to have a purpose for being here -- I appreciate that. One time I came in here and this married couple came to starbucks specifically with the purpose of having a marital fight. Why would you leave your house, drive to starbucks, spend money, only to have a fight which would probably be better had IN YOUR LIVING ROOM? Then again - I guess you could maybe say the same thing about coming to a starbucks to blog. Read more
Why do I call it Central Perk? Well, for one, everyone here knows my name! And by "name" I obviously mean, "overworked law student." How cute - they think I am working as I type furiously into my laptop. If only they knew that I was watching videos of Drew and Baylen Brees on loop.
But the other reason I call this place "Central Perk" is that there are so many regulars here that I feel like it's my haunt. First, you have the 180yr old woman who brings her own space heater that she plugs in under her table. Then there is guy who wears leather loafers, no socks, and has floppy hair. He always orders 2 venti macchiatos that he then proceeds to double fist. Finally, you have the various and sundry old-man lawyers who seemingly come to this starbucks to work. They LOVE to talk to law students, passing out their business cards like candy at Halloween. My friend once commented that their willingness to pass out their business card might indicate a less than stellar law practice, but..let's be honest here: wouldn't the fact that their office is a STARBUCKS be the first red flag that things aren't going well?
Everyone at this Starbucks appears to have a purpose for being here -- I appreciate that. One time I came in here and this married couple came to starbucks specifically with the purpose of having a marital fight. Why would you leave your house, drive to starbucks, spend money, only to have a fight which would probably be better had IN YOUR LIVING ROOM? Then again - I guess you could maybe say the same thing about coming to a starbucks to blog. Read more
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Awesome.
So I just saw this gem on NYMag.com. Apparently Republic in New Orleans is getting national exposure because of their dress code policy.
I'm not going to lie - this is awesome. But do people from New Orleans really wear this sort of stuff? I associate Ed Hardy, etc with a NYC Bridge and Tunnel/NJ crowd. Would our version of Bridge and Tunnel would be people from the West Bank? Where do the Christian Audigier types hang out in NOLA? Harrahs? If we're going to nitpick club-hopping clothes, I think the more egregious NOLA wardrobe faux pas has to be guys who wear polos tucked into khaki pants out at bars. I mean, r e a l l y. Do people WANT to look like they are working at a best buy? Read more
I'm not going to lie - this is awesome. But do people from New Orleans really wear this sort of stuff? I associate Ed Hardy, etc with a NYC Bridge and Tunnel/NJ crowd. Would our version of Bridge and Tunnel would be people from the West Bank? Where do the Christian Audigier types hang out in NOLA? Harrahs? If we're going to nitpick club-hopping clothes, I think the more egregious NOLA wardrobe faux pas has to be guys who wear polos tucked into khaki pants out at bars. I mean, r e a l l y. Do people WANT to look like they are working at a best buy? Read more
I'm so New Orleans - like 1825 Tulane
Next Installment of "Ridiculous Things People Google That Lead To My Blog." No use in wasting time. Let's go.
"what does lil wayne mean by 1825 tulane"
Okay - so I don't like to talk about the individual I now refer to as Benedict Weezy, but my allegiance is, first a foremost, to my readers. Second would probably be to the people who stumble upon my blog through convoluted google searching. So, guy who didn't even mean to open up this website, this answer is for you.
Back in the day there was this furniture called Rosenberg's. The address to the aforementioned furniture store was 1825 Tulane. But Lil Wayne is not referring the store itself -- he is referring the commercials which made the store SO well known in the city.
When I was growing up, these commercials elicited one emotion from me: total and utter jealousy. Who was this girl that got to be the most famous person in New Orleans? Why didn't my parents love me and let me audition for commercials? Actually - I take that back. I think one time my mom took me to try-out for a Popeyes Fried Chicken commercial. AS IF that was going to help my popularity out any. Last thing I needed was to appear in a commercial where I would be stuffing my face with fried chicken. That's just writing the script out for the bullies. But the Rosenberg's girl who wasn't actually seen on the commercial? And just got to sing and be cute sounding? THE DREAM.
I somehow got off track again. Anyway - these commercials were SO popular. To this day if you say the word "Rosenberg" in a sing-song voice, someone will respond with "1825 Tu-lane." But it's something only a person from New Orleans would know. So, reader -- that is what Benedict Weezy means when he says, "I'm so New Orleans - like 1825 Tulane."
"wings of ;love theme song for tv show"
I'm only including this one because the typo in the search query leads me to believe that this person was FURIOUSLY typing out this string because they had to know the answer IMMEDIATELY. Is this song seriously relevant? Are people listening to this song independent of "The Bachelor: Wings of Love?"
"K. Gates"
K. GATES HAS ARRIVED. PEOPLE ARE GOOGLING HIM. Yes reader, K. Gates is actually a very good friend of mine. He occasionally appears on my gchat list. We're pretty close. I even interviewed him. So...kind of a big deal.
"archie, olivia, cooper, peyton and eli manning"
Wow. Talk about a thorough search strng. I think any one of these names would have been sufficient...but I guess some people aren't very practiced googlers? So, random reader -- what do you want to know about these people? They are a family. Some live in New Orleans. Some live in New York. Others live in Indianapolis. They are all pretty tall. A couple of them play football. I mean..? I think I covered it? Read more
"what does lil wayne mean by 1825 tulane"
Okay - so I don't like to talk about the individual I now refer to as Benedict Weezy, but my allegiance is, first a foremost, to my readers. Second would probably be to the people who stumble upon my blog through convoluted google searching. So, guy who didn't even mean to open up this website, this answer is for you.
Back in the day there was this furniture called Rosenberg's. The address to the aforementioned furniture store was 1825 Tulane. But Lil Wayne is not referring the store itself -- he is referring the commercials which made the store SO well known in the city.
When I was growing up, these commercials elicited one emotion from me: total and utter jealousy. Who was this girl that got to be the most famous person in New Orleans? Why didn't my parents love me and let me audition for commercials? Actually - I take that back. I think one time my mom took me to try-out for a Popeyes Fried Chicken commercial. AS IF that was going to help my popularity out any. Last thing I needed was to appear in a commercial where I would be stuffing my face with fried chicken. That's just writing the script out for the bullies. But the Rosenberg's girl who wasn't actually seen on the commercial? And just got to sing and be cute sounding? THE DREAM.
I somehow got off track again. Anyway - these commercials were SO popular. To this day if you say the word "Rosenberg" in a sing-song voice, someone will respond with "1825 Tu-lane." But it's something only a person from New Orleans would know. So, reader -- that is what Benedict Weezy means when he says, "I'm so New Orleans - like 1825 Tulane."
"wings of ;love theme song for tv show"
I'm only including this one because the typo in the search query leads me to believe that this person was FURIOUSLY typing out this string because they had to know the answer IMMEDIATELY. Is this song seriously relevant? Are people listening to this song independent of "The Bachelor: Wings of Love?"
"K. Gates"
K. GATES HAS ARRIVED. PEOPLE ARE GOOGLING HIM. Yes reader, K. Gates is actually a very good friend of mine. He occasionally appears on my gchat list. We're pretty close. I even interviewed him. So...kind of a big deal.
"archie, olivia, cooper, peyton and eli manning"
Wow. Talk about a thorough search strng. I think any one of these names would have been sufficient...but I guess some people aren't very practiced googlers? So, random reader -- what do you want to know about these people? They are a family. Some live in New Orleans. Some live in New York. Others live in Indianapolis. They are all pretty tall. A couple of them play football. I mean..? I think I covered it? Read more
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
On The Wings of Love
Tonight was the finale of the perplexingly popular television program "The Bachelor." This season was titled, "On the Wings of Love" because the debonair man of the hour was a pilot -- get it? Wings of Love? Like Wings on an airplane? ABC is so witty. I had been meaning to blog about this show ALL SEASON LONG but never got around to it, so I figured that tonight's season finale was probably as good a time as any. I will never be able to condense all the drama of the season into 1 post, so I think I shall just give some general thoughts.
How to even BEGIN discussing Jake. Throughout the entire season Jake oscillated between being almost serial killer-esque with his fake smiles and laughs, to crying uncontrollably. Don't get me wrong...I love a man who can cry in public, or on tv. But there is a HUGE difference between Drew Brees with tears in his eyes after playing the game of his career in the Superbowl while holding his cute little baby (What up, Baylen Brees!); and a guy who cries while appearing on a reality tv show where THIS is the theme song:
Let me tell you something right now...if I ever got on a plane and he was my captain I'd get RIGHT BACK OFF. His performance on this show does not inspire ANY confidence in the men who fly our friendly skies. Let's hope that Jake's newest gig on Dancing With The Stars is an indication that Delta saw his performance on "The Bachelor" and decided they'd be better off without him.
Jake's soon-to-be lady bride, Vienna! First of all, do you think Vienna has ever traveled to her namesake city? Methinks the furthest she ever traveled (before the Bachelor) was Daytona, Florida. What's her personal history, you ask? These are some of the things Vienna has done in her short 23 year lifetime: eloped with a man at age 19; stole $5000 from said husband's checking account while he was on a tour of service in Iraq; used that money to get breast implants; worked at hooters. Just the sort of girl you take home to meet mom! Jake thinks they have "incredible physical chemistry." I guess he would think that because she spent most of her time on the show attempting to climb on top of him, sit on his lap, wrestle with him, slap him with sulfur mud and so on. Men are such simpletons. Jake's the sort of guy who would go to a strip club and think he and the girl giving him a lap dance have "incredible chemistry."
This is Ali. Everyone was rooting for her, and thought she should win. After watching the first episode, I picked her out as my favorite, and thought her to be the most normal. She quit the show suddenly because she had to go back to her job. She is my age, lives in San Fran, and works for Facebook. But I think that we're all giving Ali too easy a pass. There is one thing that really bothers me about her: SHE SIGNED UP TO DO THIS RIDICULOUS SHOW. I don't think I have a single friend who would actually sign up/audition/try out for ANY reality dating show. Furthermore, Ali is going back for seconds, and will be the NEW BACHELORETTE. Ali is obviously a few screws loose. But I will obviously watch her show.
Random things I observed during the course of the show:
1. How many blankets do you suppose any given season of the Bachelor goes through? Seriously - next time it comes on, please keep a blanket count. I think they must have about 10,000 blankets strategically placed around the house, the garden, the pool area just in case the Bachelor and his lady might walk past there and want to have a seat under the stars. I mean, I watch "The Bachelor" with a blanket too...but my blanket is called a "Snuggie" and I am sitting underneath it with a bowl of SmartPop. Cue Beyonce's "Single Ladies."
2. Jake is 32. All of the women were <25yrs old, except for one girl who was his age and was eliminated almost immediately. I don't even need to make a social commentary on this because the show speaks for itself. Vienna is 23. Sigh. Men will never learn, and the older women get, the more likely the will end up married to their doorman.
3. I would love to see a Bachelor set in a less idyllic location. I feel like anyone can find love in St. Lucia, Wine Country, and a mansion in California. Let's set a Bachelor in NYC. We can call it "The Bachelor: Rat Race to the Ring." Let's give Jake a studio apartment, and let's put the girls in a house in Astoria. One-on-one date time? GET YOUR ASS TO THE R TRAIN.
Maybe i'll throw this out to my reader(s) (Mom - please refrain from responding): If you were at a bar and Jake approached you, would you even give him the time of day? Everything about his being bothers me so intensely, that my inclination is to say "no." Read more
How to even BEGIN discussing Jake. Throughout the entire season Jake oscillated between being almost serial killer-esque with his fake smiles and laughs, to crying uncontrollably. Don't get me wrong...I love a man who can cry in public, or on tv. But there is a HUGE difference between Drew Brees with tears in his eyes after playing the game of his career in the Superbowl while holding his cute little baby (What up, Baylen Brees!); and a guy who cries while appearing on a reality tv show where THIS is the theme song:
Let me tell you something right now...if I ever got on a plane and he was my captain I'd get RIGHT BACK OFF. His performance on this show does not inspire ANY confidence in the men who fly our friendly skies. Let's hope that Jake's newest gig on Dancing With The Stars is an indication that Delta saw his performance on "The Bachelor" and decided they'd be better off without him.
Jake's soon-to-be lady bride, Vienna! First of all, do you think Vienna has ever traveled to her namesake city? Methinks the furthest she ever traveled (before the Bachelor) was Daytona, Florida. What's her personal history, you ask? These are some of the things Vienna has done in her short 23 year lifetime: eloped with a man at age 19; stole $5000 from said husband's checking account while he was on a tour of service in Iraq; used that money to get breast implants; worked at hooters. Just the sort of girl you take home to meet mom! Jake thinks they have "incredible physical chemistry." I guess he would think that because she spent most of her time on the show attempting to climb on top of him, sit on his lap, wrestle with him, slap him with sulfur mud and so on. Men are such simpletons. Jake's the sort of guy who would go to a strip club and think he and the girl giving him a lap dance have "incredible chemistry."
This is Ali. Everyone was rooting for her, and thought she should win. After watching the first episode, I picked her out as my favorite, and thought her to be the most normal. She quit the show suddenly because she had to go back to her job. She is my age, lives in San Fran, and works for Facebook. But I think that we're all giving Ali too easy a pass. There is one thing that really bothers me about her: SHE SIGNED UP TO DO THIS RIDICULOUS SHOW. I don't think I have a single friend who would actually sign up/audition/try out for ANY reality dating show. Furthermore, Ali is going back for seconds, and will be the NEW BACHELORETTE. Ali is obviously a few screws loose. But I will obviously watch her show.
Random things I observed during the course of the show:
1. How many blankets do you suppose any given season of the Bachelor goes through? Seriously - next time it comes on, please keep a blanket count. I think they must have about 10,000 blankets strategically placed around the house, the garden, the pool area just in case the Bachelor and his lady might walk past there and want to have a seat under the stars. I mean, I watch "The Bachelor" with a blanket too...but my blanket is called a "Snuggie" and I am sitting underneath it with a bowl of SmartPop. Cue Beyonce's "Single Ladies."
2. Jake is 32. All of the women were <25yrs old, except for one girl who was his age and was eliminated almost immediately. I don't even need to make a social commentary on this because the show speaks for itself. Vienna is 23. Sigh. Men will never learn, and the older women get, the more likely the will end up married to their doorman.
3. I would love to see a Bachelor set in a less idyllic location. I feel like anyone can find love in St. Lucia, Wine Country, and a mansion in California. Let's set a Bachelor in NYC. We can call it "The Bachelor: Rat Race to the Ring." Let's give Jake a studio apartment, and let's put the girls in a house in Astoria. One-on-one date time? GET YOUR ASS TO THE R TRAIN.
Maybe i'll throw this out to my reader(s) (Mom - please refrain from responding): If you were at a bar and Jake approached you, would you even give him the time of day? Everything about his being bothers me so intensely, that my inclination is to say "no." Read more
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