...And then I went to Walmart at Midnight on Black Friday

I had written up this long and drawn out account on how I found myself inside a Walmart at midnight on Black Friday, but do you really need to know? All you need to know is that I decided to go, and I walked there from the hotel where we were staying.  Yes, by foot.  And no, my parents did not know that I left the hotel by myself to do this.  

:::Scene Opens:::: It is midnight in suburban Houston, and we find ourselves outside a Walmart.  Cars are lined up 10 deep waiting for parking spots.  People in t-shirts that say, "Cammo is the New Black" are briskly walking towards the front door.  One overweight 20something man is in a full on sprint from the back of the parking lot.  As a car approaches, he ballet leaps (arms stretched, mid-drift exposed) across the roadway.  The leap, as it turns out, is totally unnecessary as the car was 100 yards away, but that is beside the point.  People run out of the front doors holding advertisement publications like Wall Street traders, yelling things like, "WE'RE TOO LATE FOR THE FISH TANK BIG SCREEN TVS. ITS TOO LATE." I think to myself, "America - the beautiful." And then I walk in.

Upon entering, I am first struck by the odor.  The WalMart smells of baby-powder and McDonald's French Fries.  The lines for the check-out counters are already wrapped around the store.  The fashion decor ranges from the bizarre ("My Daddy Likes Monster Trucks" t-shirts on infant children) to the ridiculous (twilight themed pajama pants on grown adolescent boys). I want to say that I stand out like a sore thumb...but knowing that my trench coat and pearls will do me no favors this night, I decide to wear my "Krewe du Drew" Saints shirt, and my little godsister's child sized fleece, which obviously fits me like a cropped baby tee.

People are sitting in lawn chairs they have brought from their homes, waiting in lines which start at large balloons that say, "DEAL STARTS HERE." I am curious, so I approach the front of one such line. I decide to speak to a woman around my age who is playing "Crazy Eights" with random man (wearing high-waisted jeans and a gothic style hoodie sweatshirt) who is most likely an X-Files fanchat administrator in his spare time.

Lil Layne: (In my best, "I am a serious reporter" voice) Good Morning,  Ma'am.  Pray tell, what is this line...which appears to be growing exponentially by the minute...regarding?
Woman: (with a perplexed look on her face) What. Are. You. Talking. About (in a very deep Texas Drawl)
Lil Layne: (It's obviously time to get all Princess Diana - lady of the commoners - on her ass) What are y'all waiting for? What's the good deal? What's goin' good?
Woman: We're waiting for the $200 laptop computers.
LL: (Becoming sucked into the vortex of black friday good deals..) REALLY? $200 laptops? That's pretty awesome. What brand? Do they sell Apple products at walmart? How many USB ports does it come with? (I am becoming increasingly more excited with each passing question). Is there a limit on how many you can buy? Does it come in different colors? What about Microsoft word, does it have...
Woman: (Cutting me off) Honey, do you see all the people who are in this line? We are A L L waiting for a computer. There is not enough for you.  You think you can come in here all late and get a computer? I've been here since 8pm. You best get to the end of the line.

I walk away, head hung low.  My enthusiasm for all things cheap has distracted me from what is really important: observing the hilarity of things happening around me.  A walmart employee pulling a crate full of $20 sewing machines is mauled by hoards of big haired Texas ladies.  "Who is sewing their own clothes still?" I ask myself.  But one look around answers that question.  People are pushing carts of things which make absolutely no sense taken together: one woman has 5 barbies, a fire extinguisher, and a foot spa.  Other carts just make me scared: a single man (no wedding ring, or woman accompanying him) is pushing a cart filled with: 20 cases of Play-doh, 40 picture frames, and 200 hand towels.  I shudder to think of what his typical weekend plans entail. 

Another theme which begins to emerge while taking laps around the store: snack food and midnight shopping at Walmart go together like trailer parks and meth labs.  I count at least 5 people walking around with nothing but open potato chip bags in their hands - no purses, no backpacks, no carts - just an industrial sized bag of Funions.  As I am walking around keeping count of the potato chip offenders, a woman runs into me while carrying a half eaten mcdonalds cheeseburger in one hand, and a side of BBQ sauce in the other.  And when the walmart employee comes out with a free tray of donut holes...bedlam ensues.  While the chaotic mad rush towards the donut holes was frightening, it did not stop me from pushing others aside to get a piece of glazed goodness.  I am human, after all. 

I begin to wonder if any of the people in this WalMart are self aware. Like, do they realize how ridiculous they are acting? I then overhear a woman say, "You know - I just don't want to end up on that website, 'people who go to walmart' or whatever it is." As she is saying this, she is piling her cart with about 400 baby bibs. 

I then stumble upon the "Cheap DVD" area.  People are shoving each other out of the way to get $12 copies of Reba: Season 6.  I didn't even know Reba McEntire had a television show, let alone one that made it to a sixth season.  I ask someone if they have Mad Men: Season 4 on DVD, and am greeted with a vacant stare.  Guess AMC television programming is not so popular in these parts. 

I suddenly become very nauseous.  I don't know if it's the free donut hole, or rancid McDonald's grease stench, or the number of people walking around in clothing from the Disney Store...but I have to leave.  I start running around like Bertha hidden in the attic of Rochester's house in Jane Eyre.  GET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE. But that's the beauty of Black Friday shopping at WalMart - whenever you try to make your exit, you are confronted with a new and ridiculous sale, or a blockade of humanity, or both.  Run to the right: $300 34inch Flat Screen TVS. Turn to the left: $200 XBox Consoles.  It is like some sort of horrible labyrinth of Americana Temptation.  I want to ask the people standing near me, "What do you think our founding fathers would say if they saw this?" But I figure, "midnight at a WalMart in Texas is neither the time nor the place for a philosophical discussion about the trajectory of American culture."  I find my way to the door, and I exit.  

Post Script: This post almost did not happen.  As I was walking back to the hotel (at 1:30am in 30degree weather wearing nothing but a child sized North Face fleece), a middle aged man in a Ford F150 Pickup truck trailed behind me, attempting to lure me into his car, "because aren't you cold?"  Luckily I was only about 150 yards away from my hotel, and I somehow made it safely inside.  In addition to remembering this as, "the first time that I ever attended a midnight sale," I will also remember it as, "that time that I successfully avoided being the fabric for serial killer's winter coat made of human skin."