Guess Who I HAVEN'T heard from yet?

That's right. Corry Rush from the NFL. TICK TOCK, CORRY. Time is running out to amend your EGREGIOUS MISTAKE and invite me as press to the NFL Combine.


In other news, I've been doing some tests with google to see which search terms might lead a person to my blog. If one tests out the following search strings, my blog will be the top hit:

"Corry Rush" + Evil
"Corry Rush" + Terrible
"Corry Rush" + Dream ruiner
"Corry Rush" + hate guts
"Corry Rush" + Hartley drunk
"Corry Rush" + Baby Brees

Success! Isn't google a wonderful tool? Read more

I'm going to pause with my hatred of Corry Rush from the NFL..

...and temporarily move onto a new target. Who does THIS person think she is?

I guess Little Layne is my evil doppelganger. She has a blog made of pastels, and baby pictures, and references to "creations." MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. Little Layne is TOTALLY ruining my brand. I've worked very hard to create a certain persona on the internets that is to be FEARED. Now, if someone should ever google "Lil Layne," this woman and her so-called "creations" are going to pop up. FML.

Okay, back to hating Corry Rush. Read more

An Open Letter to Corry Rush of the NFL

Dear Corry,

I've decided that since you've rejected my request for press credentials TWICE now, i'm going to drop any pretense of formality and call you by your first name. It's me, your good friend, Lil Layne! You thought I'd go away quietly, huh?

Last night, in the darkened recesses of my room, I did some research on you. You've had quite the career -- starting off as a (presumably unpaid) intern, climbing your way up through all of these AFC teams (another reason you prob hate me: I am a NFC fan), ending up as the most powerful man at the NFL, and general ruiner of dreams. I would be inspired by you, if I didn't hate your guts so much.

I also found video of you! Bet you're really regretting the decision to be filmed for You-Tube. BTW - this man with hand-held video camera....he was legitimate enough to get press credentials, huh? Let's see what you have to say!

Allow me to quote you: "That's what [the combine] is really all about: exposing future players of the NFL to all media members." LIES. If that were true, i'd be buying my ticket to Indianapolis RIGHT NOW! Instead I am writing missives to you, on the internet, that you will probably never read. (In case anyone is interested in seeing prior history of my various "open letter" campaigns, here are my open letters to the Saints, the australian man who promised me tickets, Lil Wayne, Don Draper , the miscreant who paint-balled my car, and last but not least Barack Obama. Well, if nothing else Corr-ster, you can hold your head up high that you are amongst a prodigious group.

It's not too late, Corry. I am still willing to buy a ticket and a hotel room to fly on out there. All I need is my press pass. I entertained thoughts of going out there without one...but knowing the NFL, I might end up arrested in jail without anyone to bail me out. I am but 1 person. It is just 1 more press pass. I will be the model reporter. PLEASE?

Here is another idea: you can hire me as an unpaid intern. I have SO MUCH EXPERIENCE in the field of working for free. 80% of my resume includes places I worked at for free. How about that? Sound good?

You know my email.

Lil Layne Read more

The NFL doesn't think I am "legitimate"

In a few weeks, the NFL will host their "Combine" for scouts, head coaches, and general managers to interview (and watch) prospective rookies headed into the draft this year. Sort of like OCI for football players. Obviously, I want to go. But it seems like the NFL has other ideas in store.

I went to the NFL Combine website, and filled out all the requesite forms for press. Lil Layne is a blog people read, so therefore, I am press. Right?

WRONG. The next day I receive the following email:

We have received your request for media credentials to the 2010 NFL Combine. Unfortunately, due to tremendous demand, we are unable to accommodate your request.

Thank you for your interest in the NFL.

Corry Rush
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

EXCUSE ME? ARE THEY SERIOUSLY REJECTING ME? How is anyone expected to catch a break in this business? I, being a law student, decided to appeal this decision.

Dear Mr. Rush,

I was very disheartened to see your response to my application, and I implore you to reconsider. I understand that my blog might not be viewed by the NFL as a "mainstream media outlet" in the mold of a NYT or Sports Illustrated, but I assure you that I would be just as enthusiastic, if not MORE enthusiastic, as those other publications to have the opportunity to cover the 2010 Combine. As a demonstration of my enthusiasm, if given press credentials, I would be paying my own way to Indianapolis. Would anyone from Sports Illustrated go if they had to pay their own way?

I have experience covering events...from murder trials of famous rappers, to science fiction conventions, to concerts. This will not be my time operating in large event of this nature.

My blog has a vast and diverse readership. Right now, only a small percentage of the population has even HEARD of the "NFL Combine." In the day of the almighty dollar, wouldn't the NFL want new sports enthusiasts learning about all of their off-season programming?

I thank you for taking the time to read my email, and I hope you will reconsider. All I ask for is just a chance.

Sincerely,
Lil Layne

Compelling stuff, no? Apparently NOT COMPELLING ENOUGH. This appeal was dismissed with even less fanfare than the original rejection.

Layne,

Unfortunately, we’re unable to accommodate your request.

Thanks.

So there you go. NFL ruins the day YET AGAIN. First you try to take away Who Dat, and now you try to KILL MY DREAMS. Thanks for nothing. Read more

I stand with Betty White

So, according to one Lil Layne Loyalist (Bobby...here's looking at you), I have been very behind the times by not publicly coming out in favor of everybody's favorite Golden Girl, Betty White. The wait is over.



Why has SNL taken so long to ask B. White to host?? Can we quickly go through some of actors/actresses/randoms who have been asked to host BEFORE Betty White? Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, OJ Simpson (??), John Madden (?????), Fred Savage at age 13, Michael Phelps, Lucy Lawless. Who is Dannu Aiello? Because apparently he hosted before Betty White too. This is just shameful. NBC, get on this. Read more

Google Searches

The google-search-string-queries-leading-people-to-my-blog ridiculousness continues. The Super Bowl brought out all sorts of searching for the occasion. A round-up below.

K.Gates Interview: Damn right, I have a K. Gates interview. It can be found right here. In other news, what will Mr. Gates do now that Mardi Gras/Lombardi-Gras is over?? I predict that K. Gates will be the rapper du jour for all the bar/batmitzvahs in the gulf south region. Any 13yr old would LOVE to throw their arms in the air in response to, "we yellin' black n' gold of the Super Bowl."

Lil Wayne Raps about the Saints: UGHHHH INTERNETS....haven't we already covered this one already? Lil Wayne has NOT rapped about the Saints, which is why he is henceforth now known as Benedict Weezy. Lil Wayne is a traitor. He picked the Vikings. He probably picked the Colts too. He is now in jail. Good riddance.

www.dirty: This search string was obviously someone's failed attempt at locating pornographic material. Of course, this BEGS the question: WHY DID MY BLOG COME UP UNDER THIS SEARCH?

Sean Payton Facial Expressions: I guess someone wants to see all of Sean Payton's facial expressions? I've tried to collect a variety of Payton facial expressions, but I don't think this is the most compelling storyline of the Super Bowl. I think a better search query would be "Where has Sean Payton taken the Lombardi Trophy?" Because the answer is EVERYWHERE. Literally - the man has NOT PARTED with the trophy since receiving it. He brought it to the Saints parade, to Orpheus...he even brought it to a CONCERT AT THE HOUSE OF BLUES. Word on the street is that he let it be passed around in the mosh-pit. I LOVE THIS MAN. That trophy will probably end up being Patient Zero in some terrible plague that will end the earth...but who cares? Who Dat. Now where was I?? Oh yes...facial expressions.





Video Footage of Dirty Play by the Saints: No, Sir. You will not find that footage here, because no such play exists. You, my friend, are just bitter because the Vikings lost. BUT IT IS OVER NOW. WE WON THE SUPER BOWL. MOVE ALONG.

Sean Payton dancing to the Ying Yang Twins: My word, has Sean Payton become popular all of the sudden. I thought to myself, "no way did this actually happen." WRONG. Sean Payton DID dance to the Ying Yang twins.

How much you want to bet Sean "P-Diddy" Payton just wanted to go to sleep right then and there? When he threw up that blanket, I was sure he was about to get nestled in the fetal position for a petite catnap. I would have. But P-Diddy is a TROOPER. He also seems like the sort of guy you would always want with you at a work-party at a bar. The type that will always say, "ONE MORE ROUND!!!"

Okay, that is all I have for now. Happy Googling! Read more

Pop Quiz!

Which World Champion New Orleans Saints Player likes to moonlight as a comedic skit writer?

No, it's not Garrett Hartley, everyone's favorite kicker who dresses like a celtic irish rocker on the weekends. And no, it is not Scott Fujita, who told Peyton Manning that he could eat Oreos faster than him.

Still wondering? It is none other than Jabari Greer, one of our lights-out cornerbacks. Puzzled? Me too. But it is true. Jabari Greer has a youtube "series" called "Out of Bounds." During his show, he oftentimes performs SNL-style skits. I will not post them on my blog because...quite honestly...I respect Jabari too much to open him up to that sort of scorn. But if you google it, you will find it. Jabari, let me know if you want a writer because I'm always up for a new job. Of course, I don't know if my poor-man's Liz Lemon attempt at writing will mesh well with your...style...but i'm willing to try it out if you are. Read more

It's been a while, internets...

More than a whole week! So let's do a recap, shall we?

1. The Saints Won the Super Bowl.

2. The Saints Won the Super Bowl.

3. Drew Brees cemented himself in the hearts of every man, woman, and child with this:
P.S. - If this video did not tug at your heartstrings and cause you to saw "awwww..." or cry, or the like, then you are a sociopath and I want NOTHING to do with you. Unrelated: Halloween 2010, I will be dressing up as Baby Brees, wearing a Brees Jersey onesie, and giant headphones, covered in confetti. Approximately 1 person will get the reference, and everyone else will wonder, "who's the weird girl wearing the rompers?"

4. The Saints had an epic Super Bowl Parade around New Orleans, and Garrett Hartley got DRUNK.

I think we all have a friend in our lives who is a Garrett Hartley after a couple of hours at the bar. You know the guy...the guy whose words run into each other, and who confuses "expect" and "accept." Bless his heart. I LOVE YOU GARRETT HARTLEY.

5. The Manning family took an extended vacation from New Orleans. And who would blame them? The only sign of life at the family home was an abandoned and discarded Colts football lying in the front law. It was so. poetic. Read more