My hard-drive crashed. It happened last semester a week before Thanksgiving, and now it's happened again -- 2 weeks before my first final. My reaction?
I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.
But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.
How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
Read more
Friday, April 09, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
An exciting new project! - Update
The exciting new project has been tweaked, and we now have a new URL, so please take note of it below
Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com
At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.
So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more
Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com
At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.
So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more
My Mother the Matchmaker
I feel like I've been posting about my Mother quite a bit. But she is like a never-ending fountain of material. I almost wonder if she keeps sending me these ridiculous emails to force my hand into posting about her. I think her greatest wish in life is for people outside of the family to think I am obsessed with her.
Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.
But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.
Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.
Today I received the following Email from my Mom:
Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.
Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.
I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.
Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?
But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more
Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.
But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.
Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.
Today I received the following Email from my Mom:
I think we should introduce Lil GS to Elian Gonzalez.
Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.
Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.
I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.
Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?
But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more
Google Searches
In what is fast becoming one of my favorite segments, I go through the convoluted searches queries people enter into google which somehow bring them here to my blog.
Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.
Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.
Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more
Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.
Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.
Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more
Monday, April 05, 2010
Mike Triplett, are you scared of me?
Well, I guess it was bound to happen. Mike Triplett is obviously petrified I will physically hurt him. I have scared him off with the frequency of my emails. Let's look at the time line of events.
1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)
In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.
2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.
Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).
Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.
But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more
1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)
In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.
2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.
Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).
Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.
But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more
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