When I am feeling stressed out: Rachmaninoff
When I am riding public transportation: Madonna
When I am feeling nostalgic: Anything played in a European Club
When I am feeling guilty about dropping out of performing arts high school: Opera
When I am thinking about dropping out of law school: Legally Blonde (The Musical) Soundtrack
When I am feeling unrequitedly in love: old school backstreet boys, or..if in a really bad way...Boyz 2 Men.
When I am trying to feel like Carrie Bradshaw that time she and Big went on that date to the Jazz Club: John Coltrane
Any other time of day, regardless of the hour: Gangsta Rap.
As you can see - none of the music I listen to really falls into the "folk rock" genre. However, always open to new and exciting opportunities (See, e.g., Dragon Con), I decided to attend said folk rock concert.
I should state for the record that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I arrived, decked out to the nines (and with a new makeover courtesy of the Chanel counter at Bloomingdales) only to find that it is extremely dark in the theater, and everyone else is dressed in jeans. Let's be honest - not the first time I dress inappropriately for an event - and probably not the last. Also, there were no chairs at this venue. Having spent most of my concert-going life in either the seats of the Superdome or Madison Square Garden, I was shocked and appalled by the lack of accommodations. What, were we meant to be standing in a giant group like groundlings at the Globe Theater?? Unacceptable.
Additionally, I was confused by the crowd at this show. Ranging in age from 18 to 75, the crowd seemed to be dominated by couples - couples on a first date, couples 2 yrs into the relationship, couples where one clearly wanted to be there more than another...you get the drift. Couples. Everywhere. Public Service Announcement to all the men vying to go on a date with Lil Layne (and I *know* there are just so many of you out there): If you want to take me on a first date - please do not take me to a place where a) I will be standing in a sweaty groundling-esque mass of humanity for 3+ hours and b) I will be drinking out of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Where was I? I get distracted very easily, you know. Oh yes, the crowd. I notice there are these middle aged women who arrive carrying cookie tins in tow. I ask my friend what this is all about, wondering if there was actually a picnic component to this event (again, I had never been to a folk rock concert before), and whether I missed the opportunity to bring some imported cheeses and figs to snack on whilst listening to Death Cab for Bravery Killers Matchbox Mayer (or whatever the bands were called). Sadly, there was no picnic portion to the evening. Apparently many women like to bring food for the bands to give them as gifts. Uhhh.... that seems...unsafe? to me? Don't we all remember Selena? I saw that Lifetime movie. The story of "Fans who bring musical artists presents" does not end well for anyone.
Once the music began, the vibe changed considerably. These women were no longer the quiet homely librarian types carrying trays of awkwardly homemade cookies...they became these psychotic looking vixens who had no inhibitions and were throwing their arms in the air.
There was one woman who looked straight out of peopleofwalmart.com (right down to the PBR she was chugging) who was OBSESSED with the lead singer of this one band. Every time there was a lull in the concert, she would yell out something like, "BARRY I LOVE YOU I AM SINGLE BARRRRRRRYYYYYYY." Meanwhile, fyi - her date was standing right behind her, totally awkwardly, sometimes trying to put his hands on her hips to control her unbridled yells, but most times looking very out of place and uncomfortable. The woman would also yell out the name of the song she wanted to hear - ie, "BARRY PLAY HOME I WANT YOU TO PLAY HOOOOOMMMMEEEE SO BAD I WOULD DIE BAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY." When they did play home, she went ballistic. She finally turned her attentions to her date and yelled (in his face), "HE PLAYED HOME FOR ME HE PLAYED IT JUST FOR ME." Yeah, just like JC Chasez played "God Must have Spent A Little More Time on You" for me at the Nsync Concert back in 8th grade.
The second woman I observed arrived with a guy I would guess was a boyfriend of at least 4 months. They were extremely comfortable with each other, and seemed to be enjoying each others company during the opening bands. But when the headlining band came on (again, headed by much beloved "Barry") there was a definite change in dynamic. The woman began distancing herself from her date, slowly removing his arms which had been wrapped around her body. Then, her facial expression changed. You know that look that Mandy Moore gives in EVERY MOVIE when she is trying to portray intensity or depth? Well this girl had that look, and would occasionally close her eyes shut really hard, and then open them back up really widely like she was watching a sunrise for the first time ever. By the end of the concert, she had made her way to the foot of the stage, and the boyfriend had left.
It was then, while watching these women go totally and completely nuts for a man on stage strumming a guitar, that I came to a sad realization: THIS is why a woman will never be president. Because of these women. Because people are afraid that a female president will lose her shit over Prince Harry, and something will detonate by accident when she's jumping around waiving arms in the air wildly screaming, "HARRYYY I LOVE YOU HARRRRYYYYY YOU ARE THE HOTTEST ONE NOW THAT WILLIAM IS BALD HARRRRYYY."
Sad. Read more
