The Flight Home

I should have recognized the trip wasn't going to go well when I inadvertently made a joke that could have been perceived as slightly racist. A man walks into the plane, wearing a really remarkable Juicy Couture sweat jump ensemble. He is putting his suitcase away when he turned to me and said, "It don't fit, it just don't fit" in a joking manner. I, without even batting an eye or thinking about it, responded with, "If the glove don't fit…you must acquit." I was greeted with silence, an the man abruptly sat down. Later, he put his seat back ALL THE WAY, thus leaving me with no leg room. Folks, I have learned that it is still not okay to make an OJ Simpson joke. I thought that particular period of political incorrectness ended around the start of the Michael Jackson trial…I was wrong.

After settling in my seat, I finally notice my companions in aisle 22 for the next two hours. They appeared to be a couple, as I quickly spotted their Zales Jeweler knockoff wedding bands. The Husband looked like he had tried to be an extra elf on the set of Lord of the Rings WAY too many times: Long uncombed blonde hair, coupled with what appeared to be tunic made of second hand fabrics. He also wore gloves the ENTIRE flight. His wife was a petite girl who looked like she was 12—no joke. I notice this is going to devolve into an uncomfortable situation for me, their 3rd wheel, when they begin to nuzzle noses with one another.

The woman on my right had an ENTIRE aisle to herself. When we were all boarding the plane, this particular woman took out her cell phone and called her father. The following is an excerpt of their conversation:

Woman: Daddy, oh Daddy, I just wanted to call you to tell you I love you so much, it might be the last time I can tell you that (begins to cry, Layne is starting to think the woman who is in her late 40’s might be calling a sick father in the hospital or something), Daddy, oh god, I’m so scared, I mean…there are so many plane crashes, :::cries louder, Layne comes to realize this woman is a)unstable and b) under the belief we are going to die:::: the lord is my Shepard, remember I said that as my last words, cause I just have this feeling…I had this dream we were going to die..and my dreams are always true…oh I love you, tell mom I love her too…if I make it I’ll see you in 4 hours…but I probably won’t…so I love you
:::hangs up the phone, cries for a while, then asks the people in the full row in front of her if anyone wants to come sit next to her to keep her company..Not surprisingly, No one responds to her.

45 minutes into the flight I have realized the man in front of me will continue to recline his seat until we have to land. Coupled with the fact that the elfin and his lady-bride have escalated to rubbing each others appendages; the 2 open seats next to Crazy aren’t starting to look so bad.

I walk over and I sit down.
Crazy: What are you doing?
Layne: I am sitting here…more room and space and such…
Crazy: What’s wrong with your seat?
Layne: :::stammers, doesn’t know how to verbalize, “I don’t want to watch the long haired one get off while his underage wife pets his gloves”…so I try to tell the truth and end the resolve the situation with grace:::: I have a proclivity for blood clots, and if I don’t have enough room for my legs, I could die.
Crazy: :::stares at me, probably wondering whether she should bestow her psychic knowledge that I’m going to die anyways in our impending crash—a premonition she probably received when she was having a binge on illegal codeine or something, instead, she meekly shakes her head and I sit.

I decide to pull out my ipod for in-flight entertainment. Looks like Crazy brought something too…only I realize she has brought a puzzle of Old Macdonald’s Farm. I’m listening to the second chorus of “Santa that’s my only wish this year” Britney Spears style with my eyes closed trying to get a nap..when I feel someone petting my leg. I look down, and Crazy is on all fours looking for something with a minature flashlight (we’re talking, size of your pinkie miniature) attached to a set of rubber duckie, troll, and teddie bear key chains.

Layne: What are did you lose? :::”aside from your IQ, EQ, Verbal Reasoning, Quantitative Skills and Pride”, I think to myself::::
Crazy: Oh, I just lost this piece of my puzzle..I think it was the one with the dog on it :::Did Old MacDonald have a Dog on his farm?::::::
Layne: Oh, that’s a shame :::Layne puts back on earphones and hopes that premonition she had about the plane crash comes to fruition soon::::

Crazy sits up on the floor, hits her head on the tray table, and the rest of the puzzle pieces go flying.
Crazy: Can you help me pick these up?
Layne::::::right now God, right now…send the lightning bold to hit this plane and all of its cursed travelers RIGHT NOW, Layne closes her eyes and waits for the crack of the bolt, it doesn’t come:::: I’m….okay, I guess I can help

I get on all 4’s in manner of Old MacDonald’s Dog himself, and search for puzzle pieces. I finally realize that people are staring, and maybe going to associate me with this woman, so I get up and go to the back of the plane. I stand there for about 20 minutes, and then I finally go back down the aisle, and reclaim my spot next to the couple in my row, who are now spooning with one another as best they can--given the special limitations of the seat construction.

I put on my music loudly and I fall asleep for a while (Since I hadn’t slept for 2 days straight). I am awoken by an announcement telling everyone to put away their electronic equipment. I look over and I notice Crazy is putting her puzzle away. I think someone should have probably told her puzzles from toys r us don’t constitute electronic equipment, and that she could continue to piece together the scarecrow’s body...

Aside: I'm at the hotel Mr Paul just walked in and didn't acknoweldge my presence. Strike 2 old man, one more diss and you're out.

Well, that's all I have time for. Until Next Time... Read more