Food, Glorious Food.

Today friends, I tell you about my adventure with the Welfare System of America.

When Mother and Father were displaced by Katrina to Western MA, they realized that they had 1-no income and 2-no money. So they, like any hardworking American would, decided to file for unemployment and welfare benefits. Seeing as how they were branded with the scarlet K--they had no problem getting these sorts of benefits.

Joanne and Dennis left 4 days ago, and decided (probably against their better judgment), that rather than waste the money left over from their food stamps, they should give it to their over-indulged only child in the midst of finals. The following is a true and accurate account of what occurred on Monday Night.

::Layne pulls into a Super Stop and Shop in Holyoke, MA. She decided it was probably a better idea to go someplace where no one affiliated with Mount Holyoke College would be likely to shop. She removes her extra large pearl earrings and stuffs them in her jacket, as to look more "the part", and walks in. She takes note of the the self-check out machines, she decides this would be her best option as to make an un-noticed escape with no one to question her, she is relieved.:::

:::Layne immediately decides to purchase imported goods. Why buy cheap items when she could buy shortbread cookies made in Scotland, little crackers made in France, and mangos imported from south America. She also decides to buy soy crisps, expensive cereal, expensive organic granola bars, and the like. No one is going to see what she purchases anyways.:::

:::Layne proceeds to the self check out lane when she realizes...it doesn't exist. She had hallucinated it in her "food stamp shopping" fury. She becomes panicked. She pushes her cart around the store in manner of the psychotic female protagonist from the Charlotte Perkins Gilman short story, "the yellow wallpaper"...eager check out clerks ask her if she needs help, she doesn't answer---she just runs away and attempts to find solitude in the rice and mexican food aisle:::

:::Layne is about to give up. Maybe she should just leave the car there and walk out without anyone taking notice. That's when her eye accidentally falls on a Zatarain's New Orleans Style Jambolaya Box. She realizes, "I'm a refugee, damnitt!" and regains her nerve. She walks to checkout with a newfound confidence. She realizes if someone questions her, she will a) remind them of New Orleans and b) take the moral high road and tell them her mother is bedridden:::

:::The Clerk proceeds to scan her goods when Layne realizes, "A bed-ridden woman would not request soy crisps or cadburys chocolate with her limited meager assortment of foodstamps"..Maybe they won't notice she is swiping a card that says MASSACHUSETTS AID instead of VISA GOLD PLATINUM..she swipes and the games begin...:::

Layne: Um, nothing is happening with the screen
Clerk: What did you press?
Layne: No, i mean, i pressed the one i was supposed to press, but yeah, it um didn't work ::Getting panicked...the jig is up::
Clerk: I understand that, but which button was it
Layne: ::covering her mouth and coughing simultaneously::: Um, foodstamps
Clerk: What did you say?
Layne: :::coughing louder and covering mouth more::: Foodstamps
Clerk: ::over loudspeaker:: I need the manager on aisle five
::Layne breaks out into a cold sweat. Was it the coach wallet that gave it away? Maybe the blonde highlights? She starts eyeing her quickest get-away path:::
Manager: Now what seems to be the problem?? the machine not working? you wanted to press the EBT?? Here let me fix that ::Fixes machine, Layne swipes, no problem, Layne enters the code, gets her receipt and runs out of there as soon as possible:: Read more