Oh man.

So - I had heard rumblings that mega-superstar Prince was a huge Vikings fan, and had penned a song for the Vikings in honor of their trip to the NFC Championship game. Sure, the Saints have Green Day/U2 with their emotionally gripping "The Saints are Coming" -- but how could that possibly compete with the pure rockstarness that is Prince?? Well, I finally listened to the Prince song...and...just. Wow.

In case you hadn't heard the musical tour-de-force that is "Purple and Gold" by Prince - allow me to link you to a youtube video.


WHAT. THE. F. WHAT IS THAT????? I hope the Vikings lose as much as the next New Orleanian -- but I think they are at least deserving of more than that??? I actually wouldn't wish that song on my high school football team. I don't even know how to begin discussing what this song is all about. As Lil Layne loyal reader Bobby proclaimed, "it is like the sort of song that would be playing as a cartoon character is climing a mountain. You know the one with the strawberry red hair and bonnet?" While I am not entirely sure which cartoon he is referring to - the sentiment is SPOT ON. Not to mention that I am almost positive he stole some riffs from the songwriters for Barney. Also, can we talk about the lyrics??

We come in the name of the purple and gold
All of the odds are in our favor
no prediction too bold
we are the truth if the truth can be told
long reign the purple and gold

the eyes say ready for battle
no need for sword in hand
we are all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready to celebrate every score
ready to fight the elegant war
ready to hear the crowd roar

I'm actually laughing out loud as I re-read these lyrics. Prince hears that the Vikings are playing the Saints, the home-team for a city which is the birthplace of southern rap, jazz, blues, etc -- and he comes to battle with THAT song? I wrote better songs when I was 13 on car trips with my parents. One time, during one particularly grueling car trip which was a "Bill Clinton's Life in Arkansas" tour, I wrote a song called "Highway." The lyrics, you ask?

When I was running down the highway
Never lookin' back at the place
I just wanna be in some place
With No Problems....

Prince - take some notes. THAT is how you write a song.

I'm just going to cut to the chase here and list out all the other things i'd rather listen to in lieu of "Purple and Gold" by Prince.
1) A looped recording of my mom calling me "mean-spirited" and "hateful."
2) The theme song from "L.A. Law"
3) The entirety of my 8th grade class' performance of "Fiddler on the Roof."
4) Animals wimpering
5) Nails being drawn down a chalkboard
6) Car alarms going off for 3 hours at 4am.
7) My tone-deaf dad singing "Eye of the Tiger" on Guitar Hero.
8) Babies screaming on airplanes. Read more

An Open Letter to Lil Wayne

Dear Lil Wayne,

Hi. I don't know if you know me...but I use your name and likeness for my blog. Lil Wayne, Lil Layne...it rhymes...get it? Like you, I am from New Orleans - born and raised. But unlike you, I AM NOT A TRAITOR.

What EXACTLY is your problem?? You apparently told MTV you a) thought the Vikings would win the NFC Championship Game and b) WERE ROOTING FOR THE VIKINGS TO WIN. In case you've forgotten -- here is your analysis of the game:

"I believe the Vikings will win because of the running attack. The Saints give up about 150 rushing yards a game, and the Vikings have arguably the best running back in the game (Adrian Peterson)... I believe the Vikings defense will frustrate Drew Brees."

Who do you think you are??? John Madden?? As far as I can tell..other than rapping, you are good at 2 things: getting caught with pot, and having illegitimate babies.

Let me tell you something...you have riled up the populace of New Orleans, my friend. That city is like a a giant pile of newspapers covered in lighter fluid...and you just lit a match. I will show you my favorite comments on nola.com from the article about your betrayal:

I love Weezie's music, and I already knew he was a Favre fan from his ESPN blogs, but man...this is your hometown team. You claim to be "so so New Orleans, like 1825 Tulane" but you're not rooting for the Saints with your "Black and Gold soul and a fresh New Orleans fitted." Have fun in jail two days after we win SB44. Geaux Saints!

LW is a turd. He better hope he never has to go to trial in New Orleans. He will be convicted.

Lil Weezie,
I defended you against haters in these very forums and this is what you do to me? You just lost your New Orleans hometown cred, brutha. We're done.
GEAUX SAINTS

#benedictweezy

So, Benedict Weezy...there you have it. New Orleans hates you now. I hope you're happy. PS - you were the weakest member of the Cash Money Millionaires. P.P.S - have fun in prison. Read more

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Ever Removed Me as a Facebook Friend

Well hello there. It's been a long time since elementary school/middle school/high school/college/work/random meeting on the street. How have you been? Good? Life treating you well? You ever graduate from college? Still living at home with your parents? Are you married? Engaged to someone with an ugly facebook photo? See -- these are questions I wouldn't have to ask had you not REMOVED ME AS YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND. Why did you do that? I don't send you Farmville app gifts. I don't think I am excessive status changer. Why do you hate me? Who hurt you as a child that would make you want to take out on poor, unsuspecting Lil Layne??

Just as a FYI - when someone removes my facebook friendship, that doesn't mean you will cease to have contact with me. Oh no. I will continue to request your friendship until you either a) deactivate your profile, or b) have me banned from facebook. I will use one of my many hidden/faux accounts JUST TO FRIEND REQUEST YOU. I will get all of the 800+ people who have NOT REMOVED ME as a friend to request you too. I will show up at your place of work and will make awkward small-talk with you and say things like "i'll have to hit you up on facebook some time -- we're friends, right?" It will be amazing and brilliant, and later I will go back to my house and laugh maniacally while drinking a glass of wine about how I bested you and made you feel uncomfortable. You better settle in for the long haul...because as my hip-hop/crunk dance instructor would tell you - I don't give up so easily, even when everyone else in the class is looking at me in horror as I attempt a "stank" face. You better bring it. Read more

I know I never blog about "The Law"

But I had to make an exception to articulate my feelings on the new ABC television program "The Deep End." For those of you in the know - the brain-trust over at ABC saw what success it had at portraying medical workplace drama on "Grey's Anatomy" and decided to use it's golden pen and write a drama about first year associates at a law firm. The results were laughably bad.

Having spent 2 years of my life at an anonymous law firm, I feel as though I have *some* authority to speak on the subject of law firm life. Not even knowing how to begin on the trainwreck that is "The Deep End," I'll just start.

1) The new class of summer associates consisted of 4 lawyers (2 men and 2 women). AND YET...the firm looked huge, and there were hundreds of extras in every shot. That would have been fine in and of itself...but ABC took too much creative license when it came to casting. 100% of the men in the "starting class" were attractive. Have the producers/writers/researchers ever even walked INTO a law firm or a law school??? I don't need to tell you that we're not the most attractive bunch, as a profession. Sometimes I don't brush my hair when I wake up in the morning...and i'm pretty sure a lot of my classmates subscribe to the same beauty regime. Have you ever seen a group of male law students making a mad dash towards the free leftover pizza boxes? Not cute. Out of all lawyers/law students on earth, I would argue that .01% of them are attractive. If "The Deep End" were to cast people who realistically looked like lawyers, the credits would show: Colin Hanks, Seth Rogan, the girl who played Dawn Weiner from "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and Alyson Hannigan.

2) I actually laughed out loud when I saw the lawyer and the "paralegal" conducting "legal research" in the library with actual books.

3) Don't even get me started on the paralegal. First of all, paralegals would not be conducting legal research. If a project doesn't involve copying/printing/collating or tabbing...a paralegal would not be doing it. Also - said female paralegal seemed to be missing every good paralegal's accessory: a hand-truck loaded with boxes of paper. And why does the paralegal seemingly live in Melrose Place? And how did the attorney know where she lived? And how can she afford an apartment that has a STAIRCASE??? I won't get into the paralegal sleeping with the senior partner/first year associate because...well...the writers got something right on that front.

4) The first year associate appeared in court of his first day on the job. Another LOL moment. On their first day of work, a new associate is doing one of 3 things: ordering too many office supplies, pretending to be reading "pleadings" on their new case (aka, reading nytimes.com but not any other websites, for fear that someone is monitoring them on their first day), or emailing people from their new blackberry. They are not representing single mothers in court.

5) Did I see couches in these offices? No. False. Associate offices do not have couches. You see, couches take up essential space for boxes of documents. That paralegals have to carry about. With their hand-trucks.

6) WHAT SORT OF SELF RESPECTING FIRST YEAR ASSOCIATE IN LOS ANGELES IS TAKING THE BUS TO WORK? And he's taking the bus to client meetings??? Isn't this individual meant to be working for "the most profitable law firm in the world"?? You mean to tell me his salary can't pay for a Honda Civic??

There are SO MANY OTHER issues I could pinpoint, but I will keep them to myself, just in case the production staff on "The Deep End" decides to hire me as a consultant. Read more