An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Ever Removed Me as a Facebook Friend

Well hello there. It's been a long time since elementary school/middle school/high school/college/work/random meeting on the street. How have you been? Good? Life treating you well? You ever graduate from college? Still living at home with your parents? Are you married? Engaged to someone with an ugly facebook photo? See -- these are questions I wouldn't have to ask had you not REMOVED ME AS YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND. Why did you do that? I don't send you Farmville app gifts. I don't think I am excessive status changer. Why do you hate me? Who hurt you as a child that would make you want to take out on poor, unsuspecting Lil Layne??

Just as a FYI - when someone removes my facebook friendship, that doesn't mean you will cease to have contact with me. Oh no. I will continue to request your friendship until you either a) deactivate your profile, or b) have me banned from facebook. I will use one of my many hidden/faux accounts JUST TO FRIEND REQUEST YOU. I will get all of the 800+ people who have NOT REMOVED ME as a friend to request you too. I will show up at your place of work and will make awkward small-talk with you and say things like "i'll have to hit you up on facebook some time -- we're friends, right?" It will be amazing and brilliant, and later I will go back to my house and laugh maniacally while drinking a glass of wine about how I bested you and made you feel uncomfortable. You better settle in for the long haul...because as my hip-hop/crunk dance instructor would tell you - I don't give up so easily, even when everyone else in the class is looking at me in horror as I attempt a "stank" face. You better bring it.