I know I never blog about "The Law"

But I had to make an exception to articulate my feelings on the new ABC television program "The Deep End." For those of you in the know - the brain-trust over at ABC saw what success it had at portraying medical workplace drama on "Grey's Anatomy" and decided to use it's golden pen and write a drama about first year associates at a law firm. The results were laughably bad.

Having spent 2 years of my life at an anonymous law firm, I feel as though I have *some* authority to speak on the subject of law firm life. Not even knowing how to begin on the trainwreck that is "The Deep End," I'll just start.

1) The new class of summer associates consisted of 4 lawyers (2 men and 2 women). AND YET...the firm looked huge, and there were hundreds of extras in every shot. That would have been fine in and of itself...but ABC took too much creative license when it came to casting. 100% of the men in the "starting class" were attractive. Have the producers/writers/researchers ever even walked INTO a law firm or a law school??? I don't need to tell you that we're not the most attractive bunch, as a profession. Sometimes I don't brush my hair when I wake up in the morning...and i'm pretty sure a lot of my classmates subscribe to the same beauty regime. Have you ever seen a group of male law students making a mad dash towards the free leftover pizza boxes? Not cute. Out of all lawyers/law students on earth, I would argue that .01% of them are attractive. If "The Deep End" were to cast people who realistically looked like lawyers, the credits would show: Colin Hanks, Seth Rogan, the girl who played Dawn Weiner from "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and Alyson Hannigan.

2) I actually laughed out loud when I saw the lawyer and the "paralegal" conducting "legal research" in the library with actual books.

3) Don't even get me started on the paralegal. First of all, paralegals would not be conducting legal research. If a project doesn't involve copying/printing/collating or tabbing...a paralegal would not be doing it. Also - said female paralegal seemed to be missing every good paralegal's accessory: a hand-truck loaded with boxes of paper. And why does the paralegal seemingly live in Melrose Place? And how did the attorney know where she lived? And how can she afford an apartment that has a STAIRCASE??? I won't get into the paralegal sleeping with the senior partner/first year associate because...well...the writers got something right on that front.

4) The first year associate appeared in court of his first day on the job. Another LOL moment. On their first day of work, a new associate is doing one of 3 things: ordering too many office supplies, pretending to be reading "pleadings" on their new case (aka, reading nytimes.com but not any other websites, for fear that someone is monitoring them on their first day), or emailing people from their new blackberry. They are not representing single mothers in court.

5) Did I see couches in these offices? No. False. Associate offices do not have couches. You see, couches take up essential space for boxes of documents. That paralegals have to carry about. With their hand-trucks.

6) WHAT SORT OF SELF RESPECTING FIRST YEAR ASSOCIATE IN LOS ANGELES IS TAKING THE BUS TO WORK? And he's taking the bus to client meetings??? Isn't this individual meant to be working for "the most profitable law firm in the world"?? You mean to tell me his salary can't pay for a Honda Civic??

There are SO MANY OTHER issues I could pinpoint, but I will keep them to myself, just in case the production staff on "The Deep End" decides to hire me as a consultant.