Dear 3 readers (1 astorian, 1 french and 1 Senegalian),
I'm not sure if you all know this...but...I am single. Actually, I'm fairly certain you would be able to deduce this -- people with significant others don't have the time to write missives about Cougars. In my life, I have experienced many forms of single person discrimination:
1) I once purchased a ticket for one to see Wicked after getting off work early. I couldn't help but notice that the 10 people sitting around me in my row were middle aged women with knitting and without wedding rings. Maybe they thought they were being kind sticking all the old spinsters together..but it just made me depressed to have my future sitting next to me like that. There were also open seats closer to the stage, but they decided to put us single tickets in the same row off to the side. Maybe the sight of so many middle aged women is startling to the performers, much like flash photography.
2) I was once pulled to work on this case I didn't really work on, and there was some horribleness that was going to occur on the night of Valentine's day. The attorney (who I didn't even know) was like, "well anyone who does not have a boyfriend or girlfriend will have to stay and do this horrible project while the paralegals with boyfriends or girlfriends can go to Babbo." Guess who ate her dinner at the office cafeteria that night.
In any event...the newest form of single person discrimination/profiling comes in the form of "Netflix Recommendations." Netflix has begun suggesting only movies that come from a very specific genre. I'm not even sure how Netflix found out I was single...but given their movie suggestions...it is very clear that something about my user information tipped them off. Maybe they somehow tracked that I once IMDBed Colin Firth, and liking Colin Firth is a dispositive sign that you are single. Who knows. Examples of the movies:
Starter for Ten: As student Brian Jackson navigates through his freshman year at England's prestigious Bristol University, he develops a crush on winsome coed Alice Harbinson in this comical coming-of-age tale. After several romantic gaffes, Brian changes tactics, concluding that an impressive victory on the "University Challenge" quiz show is the way to capture Alice's heart. Has anyone even heard of this movie?? Did this movie go straight to DVD??
Carolina: In this romantic comedy featuring Shirley MacLaine as a wacky grandma, Southern girl Carolina envisions an entirely different existence for herself, far from the maddening mix that is her family. So, she leaves home for California, where she hopes she'll find some tranquility. But her efforts are soon wasted when she finds herself torn between two men. Who will win her heart? Another straight to DVD masterpiece, no doubt. I suppose this is the token romantic comedy for a Netflix subscriber whose address is south of the mason dixon line.
Other Movies: Sex and the City, Emma, Ever After, 10 things I hate about you. The list could go on and on and on.
Dear Netflix,
There are other types of movies single women tend to like. I really enjoyed "There Will Be Blood," for example -- no romance there. Please stop suggesting movies that involve a girl, a guy, some misadventures, and an unexpected happy ending which is accompanied by an Avril Lavigne song.
Regards,
Lil Layne
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Thursday, April 02, 2009
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Cougars
It looks like the brain trust over at Foxnews has been hard at work -- they have decided to "sink their teeth" into some hard-hitting and investigative journalism over a topic gripping this nation: Cougars.
According to Fox News, "Thanks to shows like “Sex and the City” and “Desperate Housewives,” older women are where it’s at when it comes to sex appeal. And these women are working it everywhere." Actually, I think there is very little we can thank either of those shows for -- maybe we can thank Sex and the City into deluding young recent grads that they, too, can live the dream in New York. Let me tell you...rent controlled 1 bedrooms on the UES for $700 a month? False. I lived in a studio crackden in Spanish Harlem with a schizophrentic piano player living above me and my rent was almost double $700 a month. One time the ceiling caved in on my bathroom in the middle of the night. You think Carrie Bradshaw ever brushed her teeth amongst rubble? No.
Back to the article. "It used to be that no gal would ever want to be called a “cougar.” A Canadian slang word, it was originally a derogatory term for older women at bars who would go home at the end of the night with any “leftovers.” I don't even know how to BEGIN comment on this statement. First, I gotta say -- not totally unsurprising that the Country that has given rise to such colloquial phrases such as the "Canadian Tuxedo " is the etymological source of the term "cougar." Also, I'm glad this writer is opting to bring back to term "gal" -- it really adds an authoritative tone to the whole piece.
The article is at its most informative when it decides to illuminate its reader on the four types of cougar:
Power Cougars — Often sporting a power suit, this highly educated woman needs to be discreet about her trysts, given that she’s often “busting balls” in the boardroom or hanging with the big guys. THESE WOMEN DO NOT EXIST. If there is a single older woman who is in a high ranking position of power at a company, she is not on a "cougar prowl" for a "tryst" with a young man. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. Strike 1.
Intellectual Cougars — This bright lady is the sort you’ll find reading in a bookstore café, dabbling in philosophical debates or looking to shape society via the media. Nope -- they don't exist either. Strike 2.
Unexpected Cougars — This quiet and demure woman is the sort you’d never expect to seduce someone too young to remember when Madonna was 'like a virgin.' The unexpected cougar??? are you kidding me with this?? Now they are REALLY scraping the barrel. Is there not some sort of war fox news should be covering instead of writing this??? Strike 3.
Divorcée Cougar — Having just gotten out of a marriage that lasted into the double digits, this woman is rearing to go and wants zero attachment. Okay, these people probably do exist. I'll concede this one.
The article decides to conclude with...I guess...a warning? "Sexy or not, the cougar’s purr has become a roar...Walk down any street, and you’ll see cougars turning heads. If you're brave enough to play with this cat, know that she adores having her ego stroked. And know that she’ll bite if you ask about her beauty secrets — or her age."
Hey -- fox news -- do you remember when that crazy woman kept a chimpanzee as a companion?? Remember those horrifying pictures of the crazy lady treating her chimp like a husband/child/companion/partner?? and do you remember how the chimp ended up biting the face of the woman's friend?? Well because of your last sentence, when I think "cougar" - i am going to think of that woman.
As an after thought -- I decided to google "cougar" and, low and behold, one of the top hits is a website called "dateacougar.com" For any of my male readers out there whose interests have been piqued by FoxNews diligent and complete coverage of this issue...I direct you to this particularly fierce looking woman who is on the prowl: Moonbeam.
xoxo
Lil Layne Read more
According to Fox News, "Thanks to shows like “Sex and the City” and “Desperate Housewives,” older women are where it’s at when it comes to sex appeal. And these women are working it everywhere." Actually, I think there is very little we can thank either of those shows for -- maybe we can thank Sex and the City into deluding young recent grads that they, too, can live the dream in New York. Let me tell you...rent controlled 1 bedrooms on the UES for $700 a month? False. I lived in a studio crackden in Spanish Harlem with a schizophrentic piano player living above me and my rent was almost double $700 a month. One time the ceiling caved in on my bathroom in the middle of the night. You think Carrie Bradshaw ever brushed her teeth amongst rubble? No.
Back to the article. "It used to be that no gal would ever want to be called a “cougar.” A Canadian slang word, it was originally a derogatory term for older women at bars who would go home at the end of the night with any “leftovers.” I don't even know how to BEGIN comment on this statement. First, I gotta say -- not totally unsurprising that the Country that has given rise to such colloquial phrases such as the "Canadian Tuxedo " is the etymological source of the term "cougar." Also, I'm glad this writer is opting to bring back to term "gal" -- it really adds an authoritative tone to the whole piece.
The article is at its most informative when it decides to illuminate its reader on the four types of cougar:
Power Cougars — Often sporting a power suit, this highly educated woman needs to be discreet about her trysts, given that she’s often “busting balls” in the boardroom or hanging with the big guys. THESE WOMEN DO NOT EXIST. If there is a single older woman who is in a high ranking position of power at a company, she is not on a "cougar prowl" for a "tryst" with a young man. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. Strike 1.
Intellectual Cougars — This bright lady is the sort you’ll find reading in a bookstore café, dabbling in philosophical debates or looking to shape society via the media. Nope -- they don't exist either. Strike 2.
Unexpected Cougars — This quiet and demure woman is the sort you’d never expect to seduce someone too young to remember when Madonna was 'like a virgin.' The unexpected cougar??? are you kidding me with this?? Now they are REALLY scraping the barrel. Is there not some sort of war fox news should be covering instead of writing this??? Strike 3.
Divorcée Cougar — Having just gotten out of a marriage that lasted into the double digits, this woman is rearing to go and wants zero attachment. Okay, these people probably do exist. I'll concede this one.
The article decides to conclude with...I guess...a warning? "Sexy or not, the cougar’s purr has become a roar...Walk down any street, and you’ll see cougars turning heads. If you're brave enough to play with this cat, know that she adores having her ego stroked. And know that she’ll bite if you ask about her beauty secrets — or her age."
Hey -- fox news -- do you remember when that crazy woman kept a chimpanzee as a companion?? Remember those horrifying pictures of the crazy lady treating her chimp like a husband/child/companion/partner?? and do you remember how the chimp ended up biting the face of the woman's friend?? Well because of your last sentence, when I think "cougar" - i am going to think of that woman.
As an after thought -- I decided to google "cougar" and, low and behold, one of the top hits is a website called "dateacougar.com" For any of my male readers out there whose interests have been piqued by FoxNews diligent and complete coverage of this issue...I direct you to this particularly fierce looking woman who is on the prowl: Moonbeam.
xoxo
Lil Layne Read more
Monday, March 30, 2009
Is our children learning?
This is a question I often find myself asking every time I go home to New Orleans. During one of my latest trips back to the 504, I decided to go to a coffee shop to do schoolwork. As soon as I sat down, the place became FILLED with all of these 16yr old high school students who were also "working".....except their definition of working was walking around to each others tables and flashing their iphones about while I sat like a lech and watched. In any event, as I spied on the teens in an almost Humbert-Humbert like fashion, I overhear the following conversation:
Girl 1: Ugh. I have to give a presentation on Hamlet and about something called a Sole-i-quiwhy
Boy 1: I think you pronounce it soliloquy.
Girl 2: Why are soooo smart??? we would have never figured it out if you hadn't known.
Boy 1: I mean, its no big deal, I am just really good in school. I have like, above a college aged vocabulary.
Layne: *to herself* WTF does that mean? What is a college aged vocabulary anyway?? He knows what "pre-game" or "keg" or "DUI" means?? Or, if he went to MHC, he knows what "the male gaze" or "the gilded cage" or "gender subversion" means??
G1: Oooh -- maybe you can help us then, so....what does...Sole-i-quiwhy mean?
G2: Jen, he said it was pronounced soliloquy, and how do you not know what it means if you have to do a presentation on it??
G1: No, I mean, I do know what it means...it means when, like, the gods from, like, above or whatever come and help or, like, do something.
Layne: *Snorts and says to herself* looks like someone can't tell the difference between deus ex machina and a soliloquy, what a loser !!!! *Layne then realizes that maybe she herself is the loser having known such a distinction*
G2: Jen, don't be stupid...that's what a monologue is..you know, Mono for like 1 god.
Layne: *to herself* Oh boy.
****there is some back and forth discussion between Girl 1 and Girl 2 about what a soliloquy means while Boy 1 looks on amused. Layne wonders if maybe this boy might be the hope of the generation, and that maybe he is smarter than he appears, and that maybe we aren't all doomed. He sure looks confidently on as the two girls bicker, getting progressively cattier with one another. Boy decides to finally set them straight****
Boy 1: Y'all are both wrong. It's a totally easy mistake though -- i mean, I totally wouldn't have known what it means but I only know b/c of my college aged vocabulary..but like, I don't study or work hard or anything..I just get good grades naturally. But, like, whatever. Soliloquy means to kill your sister.
L: ****lets out an audible laugh, so loud that everyone in the coffee shop turns to look at her. She immediately fears that the catty teenagers are going to spread mean stories about her in homeroom the next day..when reality sets in, and she realizes that a) she is not in high school, b) she, in fact, has a college degree in English Literature and c) who the f cares if some 16 yr olds think she is a creepy old weirdo. The coffee shop finally turns their attentions away from her*****
Girl 1 and 2: OMFG!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT. So, its like, when Hamlet kills his sister Ophelia?? COOL! I'm sooo going to get an A on this presentation. Read more
Girl 1: Ugh. I have to give a presentation on Hamlet and about something called a Sole-i-quiwhy
Boy 1: I think you pronounce it soliloquy.
Girl 2: Why are soooo smart??? we would have never figured it out if you hadn't known.
Boy 1: I mean, its no big deal, I am just really good in school. I have like, above a college aged vocabulary.
Layne: *to herself* WTF does that mean? What is a college aged vocabulary anyway?? He knows what "pre-game" or "keg" or "DUI" means?? Or, if he went to MHC, he knows what "the male gaze" or "the gilded cage" or "gender subversion" means??
G1: Oooh -- maybe you can help us then, so....what does...Sole-i-quiwhy mean?
G2: Jen, he said it was pronounced soliloquy, and how do you not know what it means if you have to do a presentation on it??
G1: No, I mean, I do know what it means...it means when, like, the gods from, like, above or whatever come and help or, like, do something.
Layne: *Snorts and says to herself* looks like someone can't tell the difference between deus ex machina and a soliloquy, what a loser !!!! *Layne then realizes that maybe she herself is the loser having known such a distinction*
G2: Jen, don't be stupid...that's what a monologue is..you know, Mono for like 1 god.
Layne: *to herself* Oh boy.
****there is some back and forth discussion between Girl 1 and Girl 2 about what a soliloquy means while Boy 1 looks on amused. Layne wonders if maybe this boy might be the hope of the generation, and that maybe he is smarter than he appears, and that maybe we aren't all doomed. He sure looks confidently on as the two girls bicker, getting progressively cattier with one another. Boy decides to finally set them straight****
Boy 1: Y'all are both wrong. It's a totally easy mistake though -- i mean, I totally wouldn't have known what it means but I only know b/c of my college aged vocabulary..but like, I don't study or work hard or anything..I just get good grades naturally. But, like, whatever. Soliloquy means to kill your sister.
L: ****lets out an audible laugh, so loud that everyone in the coffee shop turns to look at her. She immediately fears that the catty teenagers are going to spread mean stories about her in homeroom the next day..when reality sets in, and she realizes that a) she is not in high school, b) she, in fact, has a college degree in English Literature and c) who the f cares if some 16 yr olds think she is a creepy old weirdo. The coffee shop finally turns their attentions away from her*****
Girl 1 and 2: OMFG!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT. So, its like, when Hamlet kills his sister Ophelia?? COOL! I'm sooo going to get an A on this presentation. Read more
Live from the Oakdale Mall
So..for about 1+ years now, I have been following Newschannel 34 in Binghamton's "Live from the Oakdale Mall" series. Now, I don't have any sort of geographic or personal ties to binghamton...but, the videos have provided me incredible entertainment. For those of you not in the know (which, lets be honest here, is everyone except for me)...in lieu of doing reporting at an actual news station...Newschannel 34 in Binghamton likes to broadcast live from the local mall, and invite acts to come on and play. I think there is actually NO oversight or screening of the acts who appear on the show. Ex: there was once a middle school acapella group comprised of 5 extremely awkward 12/13 yr old boys, who sang their own rendition of "My Girl." There was also once a man who ran around in a circle making bubbles out of coat hangers while big band music played in the background. Most recently though...I have been following the career of one Mr. Rich Wilson.
Rich Wilson is a combination of a singer/hypnotist. He appears to not write his own music...instead only performing along with karaoke accompaniment. His 'repertoire' only consists of music which is at least 40 years old. He also travels along with an "entourage" who appear to be lost older people who don't know where they are or how they got there. Yet miraculously...there they are...at every Rich Wilson "show" in the mall. Please see around minute 2:22 of the video for an example of his entourage gettin' down with their bad selves.
Rich Wilson also advertises himself on his website as a "hypnotist" and has a photos of his handy work:
A couple of points:
1) Not so sure how the parents of those teenage boys would feel about their sons being featured so prominently without shirts on a middle aged man's "hypnotism" website
2) His entourage..just generally.
3) Rich Wilson seems to have quite a bit of confidence and swagger for a man clearly on the brink of a mid-life crisis who is sings at a mall and has to kidnap his "fans" from their nursing homes to attend his shows.
4) I wonder if he has a single son my age... Read more
Rich Wilson is a combination of a singer/hypnotist. He appears to not write his own music...instead only performing along with karaoke accompaniment. His 'repertoire' only consists of music which is at least 40 years old. He also travels along with an "entourage" who appear to be lost older people who don't know where they are or how they got there. Yet miraculously...there they are...at every Rich Wilson "show" in the mall. Please see around minute 2:22 of the video for an example of his entourage gettin' down with their bad selves.
Rich Wilson also advertises himself on his website as a "hypnotist" and has a photos of his handy work:
A couple of points:
1) Not so sure how the parents of those teenage boys would feel about their sons being featured so prominently without shirts on a middle aged man's "hypnotism" website
2) His entourage..just generally.
3) Rich Wilson seems to have quite a bit of confidence and swagger for a man clearly on the brink of a mid-life crisis who is sings at a mall and has to kidnap his "fans" from their nursing homes to attend his shows.
4) I wonder if he has a single son my age... Read more
Like a Phoenix from the ashes...
I have decided to reincarnate my blog. Now, as my dedicated 3 readers from my illustrious 3+ years of blogging know...I tend to be somewhat lackadaisical about the whole enterprise. Then something very profound happened....I read an entry about Perez Hilton's birthday party. To be sure...the list of "celebrities" that attended his party were MOSTLY C-/D+ list in nature...but Salman Rushdie?? Seriously?? I bet you Perez hasn't even read the Satanic Verses. So, i've decided to take this more seriously...in the hopes of attracting Salman Rushdie to attend my 26th birthday party. Obviously Perez and I have a *slightly* different reader base, but I believe that you, my 3 readers, can make this dream happen. Let's work on it.
xoxo,
Lil Layne Read more
xoxo,
Lil Layne Read more
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