Cougars

It looks like the brain trust over at Foxnews has been hard at work -- they have decided to "sink their teeth" into some hard-hitting and investigative journalism over a topic gripping this nation: Cougars.

According to Fox News, "Thanks to shows like “Sex and the City” and “Desperate Housewives,” older women are where it’s at when it comes to sex appeal. And these women are working it everywhere." Actually, I think there is very little we can thank either of those shows for -- maybe we can thank Sex and the City into deluding young recent grads that they, too, can live the dream in New York. Let me tell you...rent controlled 1 bedrooms on the UES for $700 a month? False. I lived in a studio crackden in Spanish Harlem with a schizophrentic piano player living above me and my rent was almost double $700 a month. One time the ceiling caved in on my bathroom in the middle of the night. You think Carrie Bradshaw ever brushed her teeth amongst rubble? No.

Back to the article. "It used to be that no gal would ever want to be called a “cougar.” A Canadian slang word, it was originally a derogatory term for older women at bars who would go home at the end of the night with any “leftovers.” I don't even know how to BEGIN comment on this statement. First, I gotta say -- not totally unsurprising that the Country that has given rise to such colloquial phrases such as the "Canadian Tuxedo " is the etymological source of the term "cougar." Also, I'm glad this writer is opting to bring back to term "gal" -- it really adds an authoritative tone to the whole piece.

The article is at its most informative when it decides to illuminate its reader on the four types of cougar:

Power Cougars — Often sporting a power suit, this highly educated woman needs to be discreet about her trysts, given that she’s often “busting balls” in the boardroom or hanging with the big guys. THESE WOMEN DO NOT EXIST. If there is a single older woman who is in a high ranking position of power at a company, she is not on a "cougar prowl" for a "tryst" with a young man. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. Strike 1.

Intellectual Cougars — This bright lady is the sort you’ll find reading in a bookstore café, dabbling in philosophical debates or looking to shape society via the media. Nope -- they don't exist either. Strike 2.

Unexpected Cougars — This quiet and demure woman is the sort you’d never expect to seduce someone too young to remember when Madonna was 'like a virgin.' The unexpected cougar??? are you kidding me with this?? Now they are REALLY scraping the barrel. Is there not some sort of war fox news should be covering instead of writing this??? Strike 3.

Divorcée Cougar — Having just gotten out of a marriage that lasted into the double digits, this woman is rearing to go and wants zero attachment. Okay, these people probably do exist. I'll concede this one.

The article decides to conclude with...I guess...a warning? "Sexy or not, the cougar’s purr has become a roar...Walk down any street, and you’ll see cougars turning heads. If you're brave enough to play with this cat, know that she adores having her ego stroked. And know that she’ll bite if you ask about her beauty secrets — or her age."
Hey -- fox news -- do you remember when that crazy woman kept a chimpanzee as a companion?? Remember those horrifying pictures of the crazy lady treating her chimp like a husband/child/companion/partner?? and do you remember how the chimp ended up biting the face of the woman's friend?? Well because of your last sentence, when I think "cougar" - i am going to think of that woman.

As an after thought -- I decided to google "cougar" and, low and behold, one of the top hits is a website called "dateacougar.com" For any of my male readers out there whose interests have been piqued by FoxNews diligent and complete coverage of this issue...I direct you to this particularly fierce looking woman who is on the prowl: Moonbeam.

xoxo
Lil Layne