My Mother the Matchmaker

I feel like I've been posting about my Mother quite a bit. But she is like a never-ending fountain of material. I almost wonder if she keeps sending me these ridiculous emails to force my hand into posting about her. I think her greatest wish in life is for people outside of the family to think I am obsessed with her.

Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.

But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.

Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.

Today I received the following Email from my Mom:

I think we should introduce Lil GS to Elian Gonzalez.

Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.

Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.


I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.

Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?

But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause.