....And then I tried to buy some tall boots.

So, as someone who likes to keep up with the current fashion trends, I see that the young people have been wearing tall riding boots.  How cute and preppy.  I must buy myself some, I thought.  WRONG.

I first try to buy a pair of tall boots in Atlanta.  But after trying on a couple of pairs I liked, I noticed that none of them were really fitting appropriately on my legs. To put it bluntly - they were not fitting over my calves.  As it turns out, no matter how much weight a person might gain or lose, their calves will never change size. So I decide to engage the assistance of a department store employee, as I figure she is paid to be helpful.  I approach her, and discuss my...delicate...situation with her, hoping for her kindness.  The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Lil Layne: Hi, I was wondering if you might help me...this is kind of embarrassing, but none of these boots are fitting over my calves.  Is there a style you might recommend..?
Sales Assistant: Hmm, I've never heard of anyone having that problem.
LL: You're kidding, right? I feel like a lot of women probably have this problem..?  (Am starting to get very self conscious about my legs).
SA: Nah, I don't think so. Not shoppers who buy their clothes at Nordstrom's.
LL: (Looking around and seeing no less than 10 women carrying Nordstrom's bags with legs far larger than mine), Okay that's not really true..but that's beside the point. Can you just point me in the direction of some boots that might work?
SA: Baby Phat Farm.
LL: Excuse me? What did you just say?
SA: Baby Phat Farm. I think those are probably the only boots that will fit your legs.
LL: Are you actually suggesting that I try a brand called "Fat Farm"?
SA: No, it's Phat - with a "ph"
LL: Oh yes, that spelling distinction makes all the difference.  I think I'll go and look for some boots elsewhere.  Good day.

But, that first attempt in buying boots scarred me for quite some time, so it is at least 6 months before I try shoe shopping again.  The next time I decide to try and buy them in New Orleans.  I figure that Louisiana is probably a friendlier state for the"larger calf" than Georgia is.  I enter a Dillard's and approach an employee and attempt to explain my plight.

LL: Hi, I'm looking for some boots that will fit over my legs.  You see, I am a marathon runner and because I am so athletic and running marathons all of the time, every day, I find that some boots do not fit over my calves. (Okay, so I lied a little.  Sue me.) 
SA: Oh honey, I don't usually work this section...this seems like you're going to need someone with some knowledge to help you. (Walks over and asks for a "Donnie" who is the resident male sex offender working in the ladies shoe department.  Sales Associate and Donnie huddle together and whisper to one another. Donnie begins to saunter over, and gives me several up and downs, obviously figuring out that I am NOT someone who runs a marathon every other day. Or at all.) 
Donnie: What seems to be the problem here?
LL: (becoming exceedingly frustrated that I have to keep explaining myself) I AM LOOKING FOR BOOTS THAT WILL FIT OVER MY LEGS. YA HEARD?
Donnie: (looking scared), Umm...lets see.. (At this point, some soccer mom decides to throw her point of view into the interaction.) 
Soccer Mom: Oh girl, do I hear you!! See, because i'm so skinny, it is very hard for me to find boots that aren't too big.  There is just too much room! There is so much room in most boots that a family could live in there. Soooo annoying.
LL: (in disbelief that this is actually happening to me right now, and that my life has devolved to this) Okay, NOT REALLY THE SAME PROBLEM AT ALL. Given the choice between having boots which are too big versus boots which are too small, 10 women out of 10 would choose to have your problem.
SM:  (totally oblivious to my frustration) No, I disagree. I mean, It's just really horrible having to go through life being too skinny for tall boots.
LL: (losing my cool) You know what? You're right.  It's a tragedy.  Actually,  I heard that the Junior League of New Orleans is collecting slim riding boots to send to all the skinny women of Haiti. We would not want them to be wading around in the cholera infested waters with boots that are too big! (I am standing there with a psychotic smile on my face while clutching my shopping bags so hard my knuckles are going white.  Soccer Mom decides to extricate herself from the situation, lest I  attempt to asphyxiate her with my monstrously large calves.  So she pulls out her iphone (naturally, she's an iphone person...) and walks away.)

I know for a fact that I am not the only person who is having this problem.  I have talked to many friends who suffer from this problem. Yet we are treated like second class citizens.  Instead of going to normal stores and trying on boots like normal people...those of us who suffer from BCS (big calf syndrome) are relegated to sitting in the dark and searching on the internet.  Have you ever tried googling any search string with the words"big calves" in it? It's insulting, really.