I'm getting married! News to you? Don't worry...it's news to me too. But BigMommaJ (my mother's self appointed moniker), has sent me no fewer than 160 emails attaching pictures wedding dresses, 67 emails attaching pictures of wedding cakes, and 1 email attaching a photo of the dress she will be wearing, "for a fall wedding." So, fall it is. I guess I better get on that whole groom thing, huh?
Don't fret! "A Loving Husband" (my go-to Ukrainian dating website) has undergone an facelift, and good catches are easier to find than ever. The newest member of the website struck my eye.
His name is Vladamir (I mean, aren't they all named Vladamir?) and he finds himself at A Loving Husband after having gone down a different path than most. Here is his description of his current...situation.
"Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. ISo what if Vladamir has a wife? That b*tch is making him stay home to "feed child." No wonder he wants to get out of there. That's just plain oppressive. And who doesn't want a sexful lady? By the way, "sexful" is a word I wish more American men would adopt in their courtship processes. I imagine the definition of "sexful" is some sort of amalgamation of "sexy" and "useful." I imagine a "sexful" wife is the sort of wife who cooks dinner and cleans while being scantily clad.
have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay
home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and
find sexful lady."
But a good relationship is not just built on the foundation of sexfulness. One has to have similar interests with their partner, right? Well Vladamir says, "I enjoy to bike and trampoline much and very hard to." Pause. I don't know much about the situation on the ground in countries that were formerly part of the Eastern Bloc...but I am very curious as to where Vladamir is getting access to trampolines. Like, did the United Nations send in cargo planes full of JUST trampolines? I live in America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and I couldn't tell you the location of the nearest trampoline to me if you were to put a gun to my head. But, let's be honest. My eggs aren't getting any younger, and BigMommaJ wants a wedding by fall, so I guess now is not the time to nitpick.
A guy who comes from a good family and has a close relationship with them is very important to me. Vladamir's family is so important to him that he felt it necessary to mention his father. "Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine indepent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way hey! USA" Wow. So, he's got a lot of baggage there. Moving on...
Now we get to the most important section of the profile - what Vladamir is looking for in a woman. Do I fit the bill? Let's see what he says:
You see I need sexful lady with romance in life and living.The first problem I see here is the need to have a sexful lady under 45kg. According to google, 45kg equates to about....99lbs. I think the last time I weighed 99lbs I was carrying all of my worldly belongings by way of a backpack in the shape of a teddy bear. Now that I think about it...I don't know of any female (legally consenting adults) who might match his description. Perhaps an Olson twin.
I am young live fast I need fast lady to keep up with my
speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. Blonder hair
better being I see blonde is sexful and full of romantic. I
like personality to maybe you like my personality and we
"hitting it off" as say in USA!
But this brings me to a general gripe I have about the male sex. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? Let's look at this guy: he is married, with kids, 5'2, 120lbs, has an interest in trampolining, bald, and he is only looking for a superskinny blonde girl? Doesn't he realize that beggars can't be choosers? Some men really have no understanding of their own level. If you're a 2, you're not going to get a 10. But for some reason, all men think they can get 10s. Which is why smart, educated, funny women end up marrying their doormen. Unfortunately for me, I am so poor I cannot afford a doorman, which means I will have to end up marrying my garbage man.
5 comments:
Layne, this is an AWESOME post--I can't believe this guy is for real, but truth is stranger than fiction, so I'll take it at your word!!! Good luck with the "fall wedding," maybe you could stave off your mother by saying that a red berry and snow-themed "winter wedding" might also be fun. And by "winter" I mean 2012, so you have more time...
SO HILARIOUS! I am cracking up in the library carrel- fortunately it's far from homicidal 1Ls and 2Ls :-)
I mean, if the guy is 5'2", then he'll want a girl who's, maybe, 4'10"? so 99 pounds wouldn't be unreasonable for her... Or maybe he wants the coked-out Olsen twin.
you know i can commiserate with the "who do they think they are??" sentiment but as someone who is also 5'2'' and 120lbs i could see how a guy of my diminutive size would be looking for someone smaller than him, it's not like he's 160 or something.... i will be less understanding of these schmucks when these posts are more timely! (cough cough stop using facebook as your new medium cough cough)
:) oh Layne, we do know of someone who might be 45 kgs. she is proud of it, tho i think she goes through unnecessary lengths to keep herself there for the bragging rights (to which I cluck my tongue and give her my sad, compassionate look, the same one i use for underfed puppies on the street). but alas, she doesn't have blond hair, tho i believe she often kicks her roommate out of the bathroom to dye her hair.
I really think you should pick Vladimir...the one who likes to knit!
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