An Open Letter to the Woman In My Coffee Shop

Dear Woman Conducting Business Via Her Cell Phone in My Local Coffee Shop, I knew you were trouble when you walked in wearing business attire.  I get that in this global economy, the world is your office, but if you are clocking in your work hours in a coffee shop, I don't really think the suit is necessary.  Maybe that's just me. 

Let's talk about cell phones.  You know what's great about them? You can use them anywhere! Like, in your house, or in your car, or in your parents house, or in your own personal office...anywhere! Why do you need to come SPECIFICALLY into this area where everyone around you is CLEARLY STUDYING in order to make a conference call? You know what I LOVED? When you apologized to the people you were on the phone with for the background music from the coffee shop which could be heard during the conference call.  You know why they could hear that music so clearly? BECAUSE THE REST OF US SITTING HERE WERE SILENTLY STUDYING BEFORE YOU CAME IN WITH YOUR KITTEN HEELS AND RUINED OUR LIVES. 

Now I will go through the contents of your conference call...and because you were conducting this business in a public place, it's fair game.  So it sounds like you are trying to solve the (very serious and important) issue of poverty.  I applaud those efforts. I am ALL ABOUT solving systemic issues of injustice.  Just ask anyone who has been to a party with me - it's all I can talk about because I was under-socialized in law school, and cannot function in normal settings anymore.  But I digress.  So yes, you are planning to solve poverty.  But can I give you some constructive criticism? You are NOT going to solve poverty with the use of gift-cards and tupperware parties.  I didn't even realize people still HAD tupperware parties.  Like, don't we all buy our tupperware at Target nowadays? I feel like if a tupperware salesman every even rang my doorbell, I would treat them with the disdain that I might treat someone going door-to-door trying to sell beepers, or bags of broken glass.  

And gift cards?? I overheard you say, "I thought giftcards might be a good idea, because poor people don't have bank accounts."  Really, really astute stuff you are espousing here.  I would LOVE to hear what stores these gift-cards are from -- they are probably gift cards to pottery barn.  You know, just because you are poor, doesn't mean you can't have a capiz pendant chandelier!

I just don't understand how you aren't more aware of your surroundings.  Did you not hear me slow-clapping you when you got off conference call #1, before getting on conference call #2? What about the nasty looks I shot your way? You actually make me SO MAD that I want to pour my iced coffee on your IBM Thinkpad from circa 2001. 

I am going to make a list of things I'd rather listen to that aren't you:
1) John Tesh reading the classifieds section of the newspaper on AM frequency radio;
2) Feral cats fighting each other over a can of tuna from a garbage can;
3) George Bush saying the word "nuclear" over and over and over again;
4) The husband from "Sister Wives" on TLC talking about the GDP,  the Subprime Mortgage Crisis, and the situation in Libya. 
5) Wiliam Hung singing "Unbreak My Heart."
6) My mother listing the benefits of marriage.

That's all I can say to you.  I have exhausted too much time and energy towards hating you.  Goodbye.