Match.com

So, as some of you may know, I have been known to dabble on match.com for occasion. After moving back to New Orleans, I found myself bored, and needing a distraction, so I decided to edit my profile and bit, and peruse the offerings.  It was then that I realized that someone needed to write a primer for men who write internet dating profiles.  Of course, I have like...3...male readers.  But that is beside the point.  I just want to help you.  So here are my tips.
1. PLEASE DO NOT START YOUR PROFILE WITH THE WORD "WELL." As an example, "Well, I am trying to find a reallie nice girl-no drama no baggage." This is not a conversation.  Some imaginary match.com Barbara Walters isn't sitting next to you asking you the question, "why do you find yourself on this website?" Just man up and start with a real sentence. 

2. YOU ARE NOT ALL "EASY-GOING" AND "LAID-BACK." When I see this descriptor in a profile, it makes me apoplectic.  Let's be honest here, using match.com as a sample size, I can come to no other conclusion but to think that 90% of men are easy-going and laid-back.  But oh wait..WE HAVE WARS.  So obviously that is not true.  You all are lying.  And, at least from my perspective, a little neurosis is endearing.  My dream guy is ideally a 28yr old Larry David.  Who is tall, with thick brown hair and a nice face.  Too much to ask for? Apparently so, otherwise I wouldn't find myself on match.com

3. MATCH.COM IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE FORUM FOR AN "IN MEMORIAM" POST. Your mom was an angel on earth...but I just feel like some things are best left for dates 2 or 3? Just thinking out loud here.


4. THE PHRASE "WHO DAT" IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE SEGUE FOR TOPIC TRANSITIONS.  This is something I see in New Orleans ALL THE TIME.  When men want to transition from a discussion about their favorite sports, to, perhaps, the topic of their favorite tv shows, they use "Who Dat!" to do this.  Example: I love LSU Football and especially the Saints. Who Dat! King of the Hill is my favorite tv show on television and I love my motorcycle." We all love the Saints - don't get me wrong.  But I do not sacrifice proper syntax to show my enthusiasm for them.

5. EVERYONE LOVES TO LAUGH. THAT IS NOT A HOBBY.  Why do people feel the need to specifically articulate wanting to laugh in a relationship?  Who doesn't like laughing? I mean, other than someone suffering from clinical depression.  But saying, "I really like to laugh, have a good time.." is like saying, "I enjoy opening my eyes in the morning, breathing." EVERYONE LIKES TO DO THOSE THINGS.  It's not like there are tons and tons of girls out there looking to have relationships where they just sit around in silence, not having a good time and not laughing. 

6. DO NOT "LOL" AT YOURSELF.  There is nothing worse than this.  Example: "I love to be silly and I even sometimes like to wear fake mustaches when I go out with my friends lol."  Why are you laughing out loud at that? I am not laughing out loud at that.  Isn't the whole point of a profile to try and make ME laugh, not yourself?


7. DO NOT BLAME WOMEN FOR YOUR SINGLEHOOD. We are all responsible for our own singlehood.  I am single because I am extremely judgmental, hate 99.99% of all people I encounter on a daily basis, and have spent 80% of my life focusing on my education. YOU are single because you have your own issues.  So don't launch into a diatribe about "superficial women" who are "all about the drama" and "all women who are out in the bars are looking for a rich man to take care of them" as a way of explaining why you are single.  This is not why you are single.  You are probably single because you have mother issues (see #3), or were an outcast as a child, or have impossibly high standards, or are very busy with work, or have been focusing solely on your education, and the list can go on and on an on.  Although in New Orleans, it seems like most of the guys are single because of underlying personality flaws, and not because they have been too ambitious.  But maybe those are just the guys from Gretna who 'wink' at me.