...and then I flew on a plane.

For loyal readers of Lil Layne, you now know that something about air travel and Layne doesn't mix.  Do we all remember the JFK Christmas 2007 debacle? Well, it happened again.  I think the day's events are best chronicled in the form of a time-line.

5:30am:  Because I an so desperately poor, I decide to take public transportation to the airport.  Even though everyone advises me, "you know a cab would only be like...$30 bucks, right?" I politely thank them for their suggestion, but quietly notify them that I do not have that money to spare.  In fact, I am so poor that I have been sustaining, single-handedly, on one pot of split pea soup for the last few days.  It's like Oliver Twist up in this piece.
7:30am: I arrive at the airport to find that my 8:45am flight has been postponed til 9:45.  That is annoying, but it gives me a little time to make it through security.
8:30am: Finally make it through security and help myself to an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese. This will become important later.
9am: A semi-illiterate AirTran employee gets on the loudspeaker to announce that our 9:45am delayed flight will now be departing at 2pm.  Chaos breaks out.
9:15am: Never being really good in situations like these, I don't really know what to do with myself. So, obviously, I run around the terminal with my rolling suitcase and bagel asking random people in the hallway, "did you hear about the flight to atlanta? DELAYED UNTIL 2PM" like I am some sort of newsie from the late 19th century.  Keep in mind that most of these people I approached in a harried manner were a) not flying to Atlanta and b) not even flying on AirTran.
9:30am: I'm back to the terminal area, standing there with my rolling suitcase, out of ideas.  Someone sees that Airtran has another flight going to Atlanta at 10am, and they yell, "Why can't you just give us that plane?" and I yell, "Hell Yeah! Power to the People!" like I am at a political rally.  I am smiling broadly and shaking my fist in the air, and the people around me are generally looking...frightened.
9:35am: Five minutes of fist pumping has left me tired and worn out, so I make my way to a customer service telephone, where I insist on being booked on the next flight out to Atlanta, because if they don't book me on the next flight out, "I will fail out of law school."  I feel as though times like these calls for a little hyperbole.
9:45am: As I am waiting on the phone to get my confirmation for a 1pm flight, I notice an attractive male loitering around me.  I catch his eye and smile, and he proceeds to ask me if I am going to Atlanta.  I continue to smile and explain to him how he can get on my flight, and laugh, and smile. I've already decided he is going to be my husband, and we are going to have 3 kids, and he is going to mow the lawn, and our NYTimes wedding announcement will talk about the day we met, and how glorious it will be.  He proceeds to get on the phone and ask for the absolute latest flight out for the day, so he can spend more time with his girlfriend.  OF COURSE.  I am dejected. 
10am: I head to the bathroom, my face hurting from trying to flirtatiously smile so much.  As I am washing my hands, I look in the mirror. OH. MY. GOD.  My teeth are covered in pieces of scallion and everything bagel. It's like if a Scottish person with bad teeth decided to eat a combination of oreo cookies, green sprinkles, and glue.  I want to die.
10:30am: I decide to ask for compensatory damages for what AirTran has done to me, delaying this flight so many hours and all. The customer service line is about 50 people deep. Also, there is only one customer service representative, and he's about as quick as a Joad family vacation.  
10:35am: As soon as I get in line, TSA security officers are running up with walkie talkies towards a JetBlue flight headed to Ft. Lauderdale, of all places.  What terrorist would be flying to Fort Lauderdale? I hear the TSA officers radio broadcasting, "the suspect is on the plane - the suspect is on the plane.  Stand back." YES.  Finally something good is happening to me today.  There appears to be some sort of drama going down, and it's happening right in front of the AirTran Customer Service Line.  The Gods are smiling on me.
10:37am: The Airport Police show up, walking as quickly as their shapely physiques would allow.  Now I worry that this might *actually* be a terrorist, in which case, I don't know if I trust this primary line of defense.  They board the plane.
10:45am: Security officers and Airport Police come out of the plane accompanied with a mid-30s trailer trash looking woman in a spandex sweatsuit.  I ask the line, "God, could this woman look any more Florida?" The woman in front of me tells me she is from Jacksonville.  My bad.   The police officers are also carrying the suspect's belongings:  a baby size coach purse, a Victoria's Secret shopping bag, and some sort of ugly duffel.  Weird.  Timeout: When I tried to bring 3 items on board a flight once, I was yelled at by a flight attendant and made to pack up bag 3 into bag 2 on the airport gangplank.  Why this woman was allowed to carry all three is beyond me. Time-in.  I, being knowlegeable on all things crime (from 29833913 hours of watching various Law and Order episodes), explain to the people in line around me that this woman is likely a drunk, and being kicked off for disorderly conduct.
10:50am: I am operating under this, "woman is drunk" theory until I eavesdrop on the police and hear that this woman actually stole some man's Cartier watch from security.  BALLSY.  The man to whom the watch belongs shows up to reclaim it, and tells the police that, "Hell yes I want to press charges."  I explain the changing situation to my line compatriots.  I'm not entirely sure they are listening to me, but I am giving them a blow by blow.  I also include some...fictitious...elements to my explanation.  I tell them I have guessed that she is probably a meth addict, going back to her lab in....Fort Lauderdale...and that she stole the watch for more meth money.  I use her face as evidentiary support that she is an addict by characterizing it as, "meth face." The people around me are all ignoring me, looking at their iphones, but I continue talking.
10:55am: As the woman is being handcuffed, I take this opportunity to instruct my fellow delayed AirTran passengers about 4th amendment search and seizure jurisprudence.  Talk about a way to  make friends fast.
11:45am: I finally make my way to the front of the customer service line.  I start out with my opening salvo: "I would like AirTran to refund me $160,000 for my education because I am going to fail out of law school because your flight caused me to miss a class." You can only imagine how well that worked.  After some negotiations I received: a free round trip ticket to anywhere AirTran flies (so...Canton, OH), a $25 discount on any subsequent AirTran purchase, and $10 to spend on food.
12pm: I get my $10 worth of food (which comes out to: 1 croissant, and a bottle of water).  I decide I am going to shut my eyes for a bit.
12:30pm: When I wake up, I find that I am somehow sprawled out on top of my suitcase drooling on top of a man reading George W. Bush's autobiography.  Typical.
1pm: FINALLY I am on my flight.  Time to sleep!
1:11pm: Flight Attendant with a hamster squeal voice, nudges me and says, "Your foot is encroaching on the aisle." Seriously? Sidebar: The entire time this was happening, my foot was literally .02inches from the aisle. 
1:20pm: Hamster Voice returns and nudges me again, "going to have to watch out for that foot."
1:24pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "In preparing for takeoff, can you please clear the aisle of your foot? It's a hazard."
1:40pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "We're going to start drink service soon, so we're going to need to move your foot out of the way...don't want to roll on it."
1:50pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "Going to need to get that drink cart down the aisle. Also, can I get you a coca cola brand beverage?"
3:30pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "We're starting our initial descent, so we're really going to need you to do something about that foot."
3:35pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "Gotta get this aisle clear because of safety hazard so let's watch out for that foot. "
3:50pm: Hamster Voice: (Nudge) "Ma'am, the pilot as signaled our final descent into Atlanta, so need to get the aisle..." Layne: (Interrupting) YES, YES, YOU WANT ME TO MOVE MY F*CKING FOOT. I GET IT.  
4:30pm: I finally board Atlanta Public Transport to go to the parking lot where my car is located. I sit in front of a teenage mom and her toddler baby. The toddler is so adorable.  I start making faces at her, as I have clearly become one of those women.
4:40pm: Toddler and I start playing peek-a-boo.  Todder is squealing in laughter much to the horror of everyone on the closed subway train.
4:45pm: The toddler starts chanting and clapping her hands and looking and pointing at me. I start clapping my hands too.
4:50pm: I still have no idea what the baby is chanting, but I am delighted that she seems so taken with me.  I always worried I would be one of those people toddlers would take one look at and cause them to scream their lungs out in fear.  The toddler continues to clap and chant.  Suddenly the teenage mom turns to her teenage friend and asks, "Is she chanting fat-ty?" I promptly stop making fish faces at the toddler and turn around in a huff.  B*tch can entertain herself. 
6pm: I finally arrive back to my apartment.