On The Wings of Love

Tonight was the finale of the perplexingly popular television program "The Bachelor." This season was titled, "On the Wings of Love" because the debonair man of the hour was a pilot -- get it? Wings of Love? Like Wings on an airplane? ABC is so witty. I had been meaning to blog about this show ALL SEASON LONG but never got around to it, so I figured that tonight's season finale was probably as good a time as any. I will never be able to condense all the drama of the season into 1 post, so I think I shall just give some general thoughts.


How to even BEGIN discussing Jake. Throughout the entire season Jake oscillated between being almost serial killer-esque with his fake smiles and laughs, to crying uncontrollably. Don't get me wrong...I love a man who can cry in public, or on tv. But there is a HUGE difference between Drew Brees with tears in his eyes after playing the game of his career in the Superbowl while holding his cute little baby (What up, Baylen Brees!); and a guy who cries while appearing on a reality tv show where THIS is the theme song:

Let me tell you something right now...if I ever got on a plane and he was my captain I'd get RIGHT BACK OFF. His performance on this show does not inspire ANY confidence in the men who fly our friendly skies. Let's hope that Jake's newest gig on Dancing With The Stars is an indication that Delta saw his performance on "The Bachelor" and decided they'd be better off without him.


Jake's soon-to-be lady bride, Vienna! First of all, do you think Vienna has ever traveled to her namesake city? Methinks the furthest she ever traveled (before the Bachelor) was Daytona, Florida. What's her personal history, you ask? These are some of the things Vienna has done in her short 23 year lifetime: eloped with a man at age 19; stole $5000 from said husband's checking account while he was on a tour of service in Iraq; used that money to get breast implants; worked at hooters. Just the sort of girl you take home to meet mom! Jake thinks they have "incredible physical chemistry." I guess he would think that because she spent most of her time on the show attempting to climb on top of him, sit on his lap, wrestle with him, slap him with sulfur mud and so on. Men are such simpletons. Jake's the sort of guy who would go to a strip club and think he and the girl giving him a lap dance have "incredible chemistry."


This is Ali. Everyone was rooting for her, and thought she should win. After watching the first episode, I picked her out as my favorite, and thought her to be the most normal. She quit the show suddenly because she had to go back to her job. She is my age, lives in San Fran, and works for Facebook. But I think that we're all giving Ali too easy a pass. There is one thing that really bothers me about her: SHE SIGNED UP TO DO THIS RIDICULOUS SHOW. I don't think I have a single friend who would actually sign up/audition/try out for ANY reality dating show. Furthermore, Ali is going back for seconds, and will be the NEW BACHELORETTE. Ali is obviously a few screws loose. But I will obviously watch her show.


Random things I observed during the course of the show:
1. How many blankets do you suppose any given season of the Bachelor goes through? Seriously - next time it comes on, please keep a blanket count. I think they must have about 10,000 blankets strategically placed around the house, the garden, the pool area just in case the Bachelor and his lady might walk past there and want to have a seat under the stars. I mean, I watch "The Bachelor" with a blanket too...but my blanket is called a "Snuggie" and I am sitting underneath it with a bowl of SmartPop. Cue Beyonce's "Single Ladies."

2. Jake is 32. All of the women were <25yrs old, except for one girl who was his age and was eliminated almost immediately. I don't even need to make a social commentary on this because the show speaks for itself. Vienna is 23. Sigh. Men will never learn, and the older women get, the more likely the will end up married to their doorman.

3. I would love to see a Bachelor set in a less idyllic location. I feel like anyone can find love in St. Lucia, Wine Country, and a mansion in California. Let's set a Bachelor in NYC. We can call it "The Bachelor: Rat Race to the Ring." Let's give Jake a studio apartment, and let's put the girls in a house in Astoria. One-on-one date time? GET YOUR ASS TO THE R TRAIN.

Maybe i'll throw this out to my reader(s) (Mom - please refrain from responding): If you were at a bar and Jake approached you, would you even give him the time of day? Everything about his being bothers me so intensely, that my inclination is to say "no."