As an aside: Did I tell you about the time I emailed the Corr-ster (requesting something, no doubt) and he asked me which news agency I was with? THE NERVE. He knew. He was just trying to make a point. POINT TAKEN, SPAWN OF SATAN CORRY RUSH. Having said that...I will probably email him this week asking for tickets to the NFL Draft. If history is any indicator, he will pretend like he doesn't know me, and then pass me off on some lackey with no authority.
Luckily there are a couple of new villains working their way down the pipe.
Mike Triplett: Saints Reporter for the Times Picayune.
As the guy with the most access to my beloved Drew Brees, I am going to hate him on principle. It is one of those hatreds that stems out of jealousy. You know, sort of like when you hate the valedictorian from your class because he got a perfect 1600 SAT? (N.B. For any of my readers under the age of 25, a long, long time ago, the SAT was out of 1600). Mike Triplett gets to do everything I want to do -- follow the players around the locker-room, go to their parties, ask them ridiculous questions. Except this guy isn't even asking the questions inquiring minds want to know (i.e, which Saints players are single, what tv shows the players are watching, what they wear to sleep at night). It's SUCH a letdown.
I've been emailing M. Tripp since like...December 2009. No joke. I just checked my email archive. First I emailed him to ask him for advice about blogging (no response), then I sent a couple of emails to the saints mailbag (no response). Finally, today, I called him out on his lack of response, and he FINALLY wrote back and apologized. You know what I say to that? OOPS TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Full Disclosure: I find this guy very charming. Sure, i've never met him...but I have seen his videos. He's like the Justin Bieber to my Conan O'Brien. And let's be honest here: Justin Bieber is cute as sh*t. Luckily for me, Mike Triplett is over the age of 16, so having a schoolgirl crush on him does not make me a pedophile. But it does make it very hard for me to write missives, calling him an evil, dream killing, spawn of satan-esque monster. No, he will not do for a new villain. Unrelated question though: is it inappropriate for me to write into the Times Picayune Saints Mailbag to ask M.Tripp if he is single? How are we coming out on this question as far as "journalistic ethics" goes...?
Moving onto the next Villain...
Name: Same Exact Name as Me. Occupation: Fire Fighter
This guy has been on my radar for years. Every time I google myself, his links pop up. This guy is (by all accounts) quite the little hero. He wins awards, saves the country, and is even some sort of Jack Bauer-eque counter-terrorism expert. Scrolling through the google results, you see link after link about his awesomeness...and then you see that I once played "Lady Bear 2" in a production of "The Jungle Book" back in 1995. He makes me look real bad.
But, whatever -- I thought that it would be advantageous if he and I started up an email correspondence. So, of course, I emailed him. Please note for the record that his email address had the words "combat" and "terrorism" in it.
Dear Layne,
I've been googling myself to see what a future employer might find on the internet about me, and it hits for you outnumber hits for me like 4:1. I guess that makes you the famous Layne LastName? It would be amazing if an employer mistook you for me, because you seem like a grade-A badass. Unfortunately, I am female, wimpy, and I once called the police claiming to have been mugged when a homeless person asked me for money. Clearly, I am not capable of combating terrorism. But fight on, Layne!
Also - feel free to check out my website should you ever get the chance. Maybe I can do an interview with you!
Did this guy respond? NO. WHAT THE F LAYNE? You too busy to respond? HELLO. I sent this almost a week ago. I thought we could be like that couple with the same name who got married! Look at how cute they are. That could have been us! NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON. I don't know if you can cull this from my website - but I got it goin' on. First: I have an unpaid job this summer. Second: I have my very own room above my parents garage ALL TO MYSELF. Third: My car is fully functioning...minus the broken air conditioner, and the fact that it is leaking gas. Fourth: I know a ton of celebrities...like Gumbo the Saints Mascot. Fifth: All of these homeless men and janitors hit on me..so..you know I'm workin' it in the looks department. Janitors and homeless men only hit on the hottest girls. One day you're going to look back on this moment and wish you had gotten in when you could...sort of like Google IPO. That's all i'm saying.
2 comments:
Layne, you should start a Tiger Beat- esque mag filled with football players and news about their fav colors, flavors of ice cream, etc. Instant hit!
I too detest it when people don't respond to emails. 12 days back, I emailed a GWU SPH student for information about their School of Public Health programs for a MPH. My emailed was pretty detailed... needless to say she didn't respond within the 48 hour gracious response window. Instead yesterday, 11 days later she called me and left a message about talking on the phone- instead of writing a long email response. so maybe there is hope???
-sofia
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