Party Crashing

It's been a while internets! Some of my loyal readers wondered whether I ever ended up achieving my goals of attending any parties at the Orthopedic Surgeon Convention in New Orleans. Oh ye of little faith.

OF COURSE I DID. And it wasn't just one party. It was 6 parties. What up, Salahis? Who's the party-crasher now?

So, after leaving the convention center, I made my way over to the business district. I wasn't really *intending* to crash six parties when I walked over there. I was just bored and thought that I could walk to canal street, catch the streetcar back home, where I would promptly take a 20 minute nap on the couch, and wake up just in time for Parks and Recreation. Such is the life of a 20-something Single Lady in her prime. What up, Golden Girls!

Luckily, fate had more in store for me that night. As I was walking down Fulton Street, I saw this bar set up in the middle of the street with a sign in front of the restaurant that said, "Closed for a Private Party." JACKPOT. I staked out the premises for a while and waited for a moment when the door monitors had walked away to get another drink from the bar. I then ran inside.

Party 1 Host: A Biological Engineering Firm making synthetic cartilage
Free Goodies: Open Bar, Shrimp and Grits, Bread Pudding, Gumbo, Pasta, and Carving Station
Upon entering the party, I felt as though I had won the lottery. All of my blogging and walking around the restaurant had made me hungry for dinner, and there is nothing I like more than some good old fashioned shrimp and grits. Being the delicate and classy southern lady I am, I helped myself to several plates. I also helped myself to 2 gin and tonics. As I was standing at the bar (trying to figure out if I could order some beers and stuff them in my bag, or if I should pace myself in case I went to more parties) I overheard this 30-40yr old diminutive man talking loudly to this older gentleman. Here is a transcript of the conversation.
Diminutive Man: So yeah...like...I left her back at the hotel. (I could only assume he was talking about his wife at this point.)
Old Man: Do you often travel together?
Diminutive Man: Well she had never been to New Orleans, and I thought, why not??
Old Man: That is nice of you. (I immediately wondered why this man would think it "nice" of a husband to take his wife with him on vacation?)
Diminutive Man: Yeah, I mean...she has her own hotel room too. (What a weird relationship this man has with his wife, I thought to myself).
Old Man: Well I would hope so (Note: At this point I was SERIOUSLY confused...why would the husband and wife have separate hotel rooms??)
Diminutive Man: I mean, no way was I going to have my mom sharing a room with me...interfering with my ability to come and go as I please. I mean, I am my own man, and if I want to come out to a party like this, I'm not going to let my mom tell my otherwise.

I immediately burst out laughing and spit out my drink all over myself upon the realization that this GROWN MAN had brought his mother on vacation with him. NOT TO MENTION he was talking about it openly at a party. The Diminutive Man immediately took note of me (mostly because I *literally* spit my gin and tonic across the bar) and yelled out, "Bartender, let me buy this woman another drink!" while winking. I laughed out loud again, because - FYI, GUY - it was an open bar. At that point I decided it was time to move on.

Party 2 Host: Some ski injury clinic in Salt Lake City Utah
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Free Chapstick, and a vegetable plate
Honestly - this party was seriously something boring. First of all, it was attended by maybe 4 people, and they all knew each other, and they all knew I was clearly crashing. I could have cared less. I went in there, helped myself to some broccoli spears and a tube of vanilla flavored chapstick, and I walked out.

Party 3 Host: Arkansas Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: Harrah's Hotel
Goodies: Passed Hors D’Oeuvres which were not offered to me
Another party I walked into where it was clear that I did not belong. Imagine the coworkers on your team having a party in a conference room, and then imagine a person you've never even seen before in your entire life walking in and following the waitress around looking for a puffed pastry. I was that girl. I don't think I lasted 2 minutes there.

Party 4 Host: Some Orthopedic engineering company who manufacture metal rods
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Free alcohol, and cake.
This party had been quite the event before I got there -- it was winding down just as I walked in. There had been so many people there that they had run out of ice and crystal glasses. I didn't care, and I took my drink without ice and in a plastic cup (college style). I walked around for a bit, and listened to some man explain the metal contraptions. He was boring me, so I just started picking up the contraptions off the table, and started winging them about. This did not go over well, and it wasn't too long before I felt it best that I leave the party, before I was forcibly removed.

Party 5 Host: Indiana Orthopedic Surgeon Fellows
Location: W Hotel
Goodies: Ice, and Crystal Glasses
AND YET ANOTHER PARTY where everyone knew each other, and I was standing there awkwardly by myself. I immediately went up to the bar and demanded that they replace my plastic glass from the last party with a crystal one, and that they provide me with some ice. After I was equipped with a proper looking drink, it took me about 4 minutes of standing alone and drunkenly swaying by myself to notice that not only was I the only person standing alone, but I was the only woman attending the party. So I did what any uncommon woman would do, and I proceeded to chat up the female janitor who was cleaning up. I confided in her that I was party crashing, and rather than kick me out, she told me that I should come back tomorrow night for even better parties We talked for a while -- I gave her my advice on law school (don't do it), she told me about how she was switching jobs, and we became BFFs, although I do not remember her name. Also - I was getting pretty drunk. Eventually when I noticed people pointing, staring, and talking about me, I decided it was, yet again, time to move on.

Party 6 Host: Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets
Location: Whiskey Blue
Goodies: Professional Basketball Players
Another new bff I made, the manager of the Whiskey Blue Bar, gave me the heads up that this party was going to be going down that night (it was CP3's girlfriend's birthday), so obviously I had to stay. It was AN ETERNITY before they actually arrived, but once they did, it was awesome. I went up to Chris Paul, and said the following to him:
"Thankyouforallyoudoforthecity :::BREATH::: YouAreShorterThanYouLookOnTVThatsSoCool :::BREATH::: IFollowYouOnTwitterIamLilLayne :::BREATH:::: BYE!!"
Another Successful interaction with a celebrity.

Needless to say, I think I have found my niche: Crashing Parties. It is something I genuinely enjoy doing. My friends and I were crashing weddings before the movie "Wedding Crashers" even came out. So, I think it is something I may do more of in the future. Stay tuned. Read more

Day 2 of the AAOS Convention

Like the Terminator once said...."I'm BAACCK." Yes, I have returned to the AAOS convention DETERMINED that I will find a story in this mess.

I am still without a badge, and I'm not sure I will be able to get one, short of some sort of Oceans 11-esque plot involving balloons, sleeping pills, a doppelganger and a chef's uniform. However, I have learned that you do *not* need a badge to go into some room called the "Academy." In the the "academy" they have side-by-side televisions showing surgeries. If ever I was able to fool anyone into thinking I was a medical doctor, they would quickly realize "not so much" upon seeing my facial expression as I watch surgery on tv. Something like this:


Goals for the day:
1) Speak to one real life orthopedic surgeon
2) Find out if Dr. James Andrews (a/k/a the rock star surgeon who worked on Drew Brees' shoulder) is here
3) try to speak to Dr. Jams Andrews and thank him for putting Drew Brees back together
4) Get invited to a post-conference after party.

Not a tall order, right? Read more

An Open Letter to Darren Sharper

Dear Darren,

So I read in the Times Picayune that you aren't feeling "the love" from New Orleans. I've decided to do something about that.

Every time you intercept a football, I raise my arms in the air and scream and cry like a 3 year old at a Justin Bieber concert. Truth. I also stood out in the rain to watch you walk into the dvd red carpet "premiere" party at the Prytania. Did you see me? I was the one screaming, "DARREN SHARPER I LOVE YOU DARREN SHARPER."

Please don't leave New Orleans. I can't take all of these departures. When the news reported that Scott Fujita was going to Cleveland for a meeting, I thought of writing an open letter to him, pleading for him to say. I didn't, and we know how that ended. If you go, I may never be able to get out of my bed. Please. Don't go.

Love,
Lil Layne Read more

Well - time to throw in the towel

My battery power is almost gone, and the only thing I accomplished today was talking to some retirees (working as greeters) about their dislike of sushi, and how they think I should work at IHOP this summer. Things I need to acquire if I want to come back tomorrow:

1) A badge
2) Crutches (might make for a good conversation starter)
3) A sign that says, "Tell me the most entertaining thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures"
4) More professional looking clothing
5) A Medical Degree
6) A flask filled with alcohol. Read more

Is my day coming to an end?

This convention appears to be coming to an end, and I have not spoken to one real life orthopedic surgeon yet!

I was hoping someone could check out my hamstring pull, preferably Dr. James Andrews. I mean, I did pull it while running a 5k...so that would make it a sports injury, right?

OMG. This table of 5 surgeons is sitting right next to me talking about....you guessed it: SUTURES. I would get bored of this real quick. Maybe I will come back tomorrow with a sign that says, "Tell me the most interesting thing about yourself that doesn't involve sutures." You think I will get any responses? Or will I be kicked out with a quickness?

Hey! I found something doctors and lawyers have in common!

We both write on yellow notepads! A commonality! But I thought doctors had terrible handwriting? Wouldn't smartphones or computers be better for them?

The suture talk continues next to me. I wonder if I start yelling out "SUTURE MALPRACTICE LAWSUIT LAWYER DAUBERT WITNESS LAWYER SUTURES MALPRACTICE" they might change their topic of conversation. Read more

Doctors v. Lawyers

These doctors are very tame in comparison to what I imagine a lawyer's convention of this size might be like.

I mean, I'm not going to lie -- my only frame of reference for how doctors behave is based on a study of "Grey's Anatomy" - so it might be somewhat skewed. But it is 4pm on a Wednesday of a week long convention. If these were lawyers, they would be drunk already. They would maybe even be carrying beers around them from lecture to lecture. But everyone here is very serious, and discussing "rate of infection" and comparing suture types. BORING.

Also - these doctors are too healthy. They are all eating salads. THIS IS NEW ORLEANS. As a tourist, if each meal doesn't contain something fried, you have already failed to experience the city to the best of your ability. Lawyers like to chow down. I've seen it time and time again -- given the choice between a free chik fil-et lunch, or a free "rolly polly" lunch, the law students are going to pick fried chicken.

I am tempted to yell out, "Where the after party at?!?!" in this crowded 'cafe'. Are these doctors even partying at night? Or do they go home and eat salads and watch tv programs about sutures? What about the doctors rocking jeans and leather jackets - they HAVE to be party animals, right? Read more

Live from the AAOS

I am Live from the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons annual convention. Bringing in about 30,000 people, this is the largest convention to come to New Orleans since Katrina. It seemed like a pretty big deal, so obviously I wanted to gate-crash. Some observations:

1) There is not very much parity between men and women in this field. I would say the breakdown between men and women at this convention is approximately 70/30. I am so proud of the few women I do see that I want to go up to them and say, "You go girl!" but that would be creepy and uncomfortable.

2) According to a woman I just met, the exhibits here are really, really, really expensive and elaborate. I obviously am determined to get into the halls, but I am unsure of how I might go about doing that as they are very strict about having badges. She mentioned that she might be able to give me an extra badge...so let's keep our fingers crossed.

3) Everyone in here is wearing suits, and I am wearing jeans and carrying a backpack. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb. There are *some* doctors here who have decided to eschew the normal professional dress protocol, and are rocking leather jackets/etc. These are obviously the more "badass" orthopedic surgeons. I obviously wish to befriend them.

4) I was sort of expecting all of the orthopedic surgeons to look like this:

For those of you who must obviously live under a rock, that is none other than Dr. Jack Shephard, from LOST. When I think about my dream future husband, I imagine him to look and act exactly like Dr. Shephard. But...the doctors at this convention look nothing like him. I am very disappointed.

5) You know what's a really fun game to pay while here? Go to a crowded hallway, and say the word "MALPRACTICE" at a really high volume. This one guy almost fell over himself trying to run away from me. Read more

Douglas Schantz: Body has been found

This morning, the body of Douglas Schantz was found underneath the dock near the steamboat Natchez.

The timing seems very weird to me because they said the found the body at around 10am, but there was no mention of the dead body on the 12pm news. The body was identified around 1:40pm.

What was going on in this man's head? He had to JUMP OVER A FENCE to get to the dock! Sequent Energy is publicly traded - I might take a peek at their SEC filings. Of course, I know so little about this thing that I don't know if I could tell if anything was off in the business. But maybe someone who knows more about company filings might take a look?

Also - WHOSE BODY DID THEY FIND IN GENTILLY? Still radio silence on that issue. Read more

Douglas Schantz: An Update

So the T-P is now reporting that Schantz probably fell into the river. While this is extremely tragic, it leaves me with more questions.

First of all - why did it take the NOPD approximately 3 days to put together the footage tracing from from Razzoos to the river? Are the crime cameras that cumbersome to operate? Or (more likely) is this the first time anyone from the NOPD has used the crime cameras to solve an actual crime. Also - am confused about what the crime cameras actually show. Are they live streaming video footage, or are they pictures of the area taken every 2 minutes? How can someone be on a crime camera at one moment, and then disappear at another? If it is this "still-shot" system - what is the frequency with which they take photographs?

Second: Why was this being treated like a homicide for the first 3 days of the investigation? Last night I spoke to a police officer (while standing in line waiting for a commemorative Saints signed DVD...), and he told me that he and his friends on the force thought the whole thing was being handled very oddly. He said that they were all speculating that either a) there was some sort of ransom situation that they weren't telling anyone about or b) that dead body they found in gentilly was him. Now that we know he is probably in the river -- why were they so cloak and dagger about the whole thing? I get not wanting to spotlight a tourist murder during the biggest convention since Katrina, but had they been more on their game (see, e.g., my first question) they would have known he was probably in the river, and people would have been able to target their search for his body.

Third: How did this man get so drunk? He was 54 years old, he had a flight early in the morning and was planning to meet up with his daughter - how much was he drinking? Did he *intend* to get that drunk? Is it possible he was drugged? They are saying he appeared "disoriented" -- did someone slip him something?

We may obviously never know the answers to these questions. My thoughts go out with the family. Read more

Corry Rush STRIKES AGAIN.

Earlier today, Spawn of Satan Corry Rush responded to my email about the DVD release party. I was as surprised as you are. He gave me the contact information for a man over at the Saints org that he said claimed could get me a ticket to the DVD Release event. Corry was so quick in responding, and so helpful, that I almost wanted to write a retraction of my prior posts about him. Good thing I didn't because I was unceremoniously turned away at the event tonight like I was garbage. I was dressed up standing in the rain, no less.

The individual keeping guard of the "guest list" told me, "Mr. Saints Suit says he can't give you authorization, because this isn't his event." This was likely a lie, but since the Saints can do no wrong in my eyes (What up, Lombardi Trophy!), I am going to pin this one on Corry Rush. This is clearly his fault, and his fingerprints are ALL OVER IT. You're only digging yourself in deeper with me, my friend.

Before I was turned away from the party, I did get to see drew brees from a distance (he turned around and smiled at the crowd - I swooned), Fletcher Mackel (a tv news correspondent who *really* enjoys wearing skinny legged jeans), and Darren Sharper (who was on crutches, recovering from some arthroscopic surgery on his knee).

Before being thrown out, I got to interview THE MOST important member of the Saints organization!

That's right. I interviewed Gumbo, the Saints Mascot.

Okay - so "interview" might be a bit of a stretch...seeing as how he is a mascot and doesn't speak. But I did ask him questions. The following is an accurate transcript of our interaction.

LL: Hey Gumbo, hey! Over here! :::waives wildly:::
Gumbo: :::runs over and starts making exaggerated dog panting noises:::
LL: How did it feel when Reggie Bush accidentally pushed you to the ground??
Gumbo: :::mimes having an 'ache-y back:::
LL: So your back hurt a lot?
Gumbo: :::shakes head in agreement:::
LL: You know, I'm interviewing Kyle Turley this Friday
Gumbo: :::jumps up and down in appreciation. Gumbo then mimes taking his helmet and throwing it on the ground, a la Kyle Turley circa early 2000s
LL: You know - you might be the best person I ever interviewed. That's not saying much though...
Gumbo: :::moves head up and down in an exaggerated fashion, as if to say, "I got you"::::
LL: I've really enjoyed talking to you. HEY! Do you have a date for this party?
Gumbo: ::::Slowly walks away and starts talking to a 40+ year old woman wearing mardi gras beads.:::

So that ended that. I wasted the entire evening, and all I got out of it was an interview with a half dog/half football player who doesn't speak. Read more