Dealbreakers

Do you ever go to gmail, type in one word in the "Search" function, and read the results? I just did that for the phrase "dealbreaker" and I felt compelled to share.

He was wearing giants athletic shorts, a tie-dye giants t-shirt AND......giants CROCS. DEALBREAKER

A guy who doesn't watch TV? DEALBREAKER

He loved tony romo. DEALBREAKER.

He said, "i love the mudslides at tgi fridays" DEALBREAKER

Cellphone Holsters. DEALBREAKER

If a guy proposed to me with a ring paid for by PLUS Loans? DEALBREAKER

His name is Dustin?? DEALBREAKER

His favorite drink is half sprite/half beer.  He calls it a "snow white."  DEALBREAKER

He told me "my favorite sitcom of all time is king of queens. Kevin James is a comedic genius." seriously??? DEALBREAKER

I'm not willing to settle for someone who seems mentally unhinged. also, someone who went to osteopath school is a DO instead of a MD. DEALBREAKER

A guy who doesn’t read? DEALBREAKER

Does he live at home? DEALBREAKER

He has no other guy friends? DEALBREAKER

Um, i'm sorry --cartoonist? DEALBREAKER

He placed his cat's paws on his arms? DEALBREAKER

Not all of these were said by me, but I do agree that they are all dealbreakers.

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Men's Fashion

Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time?

What is the deal with men in the south who wear this:

I just don't get it. There is no place in society for a short-sleeved button up shirt for a man. Either you are committing to the oxford and rolling up the sleeves if it gets a little warm, or you are going with a polo/tshirt. Who are these people who think they can have it both ways? I recently went to church and counted about 37 offenders. In the house of God? You're really going to give that sort of C+ effort? Of course...having said that..I was at church for the express purpose of meeting men, so maybe I shouldn't stand in my glass house and throw stones.

But let's get back to the matter at hand. The short sleeved button up shirt is the clothing equivalent of a mullet. "Business in the front, party in the back!" False. Just like you're not going to get in the door at a company with a mullet, you are not going to be taken seriously at work with one of these Jehovah's witness shirts. Also, for me, it is a dealbreaker.

And I wonder why I am single.
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You can find anything on the internet...

...Including a husband. Did YOU know there was a website with the url ALovingHusband.com? There is. I've done a review of some of the prospects on there, and here are my top choices.
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Well, it happened again.

My hard-drive crashed. It happened last semester a week before Thanksgiving, and now it's happened again -- 2 weeks before my first final. My reaction?

I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.

But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.

How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
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An exciting new project! - Update

The exciting new project has been tweaked, and we now have a new URL, so please take note of it below

Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com

At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.

So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more

My Mother the Matchmaker

I feel like I've been posting about my Mother quite a bit. But she is like a never-ending fountain of material. I almost wonder if she keeps sending me these ridiculous emails to force my hand into posting about her. I think her greatest wish in life is for people outside of the family to think I am obsessed with her.

Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.

But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.

Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.

Today I received the following Email from my Mom:

I think we should introduce Lil GS to Elian Gonzalez.

Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.

Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.


I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.

Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?

But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more

Google Searches

In what is fast becoming one of my favorite segments, I go through the convoluted searches queries people enter into google which somehow bring them here to my blog.

Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.

Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.

Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more

Mike Triplett, are you scared of me?

Well, I guess it was bound to happen. Mike Triplett is obviously petrified I will physically hurt him. I have scared him off with the frequency of my emails. Let's look at the time line of events.

1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)

In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.

2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.

Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).

Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.

But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more

Advantage: Mike Triplett

Mike Triplett from the Times Picayune is proving to be a more worthy adversary than Corry Rush.

I direct you to this week's Saints Mailbag. Oh Mike -- you know that the way to a woman's heart is through picking 2 of her questions for the Saints Mailbag. Love that you referred to me as "Lil Layne" and gave me an additional shout-out. Although longtime reader Lil Nore speculated that when you said, "You get two questions, Layne, since you're such a loyal reader" what you really meant to say was, "I'm scared, please don't hurt me." Whatever. Fear is a powerful tool. ANYWAY...Your attention to my queries has not gone un-noticed. It *almost* makes me want to stop warring with you. The key word is almost..if you couldn't tell by the asterisks.

Here's the real problem -- you picked the 2 most normal/easiest to answer questions on my list of 10+ questions. I don't really care if the Saints take back Charles Grant. What I care about is: if Drew Brees asked you to babysit little baby Baylen, would you say yes? Oooh - that's a good one. I'm going to email that one to him in my next batch. Why can't you push the envelope a little bit on the mailbag? Less "Ask the expert" and more "Dear Abby." If you don't feel comfortable answering these more...unorthodox...questions, why don't you give a me a crack at them? We can maybe call it, "The Saints Mail-Purse." Just thinking out loud.

Because of this new development (you being more responsive than Corry Rush), I have adjusted my goals. Getting you to include my questions in the mailbag was too easy. I need to stretch myself a little bit. So the new goals are:
1) Convince you to sit for an interview.
2) An invitation to watch the Saints summer practice with the Press Corps.
3) My own blog on nola.com. And I don't mean one of those weirdo "nola forum" type deals either. People who post on the NOLA forums two steps above being troll people who live under bridges..or wherever troll people live. You know the people who go to Hooters on Vets and stand in the pouring down rain to have Garrett Hartley sign the beer koozies? THOSE are NOLA.com forum contributors. But I'm no diva - I said I would do this FOR FREE. FREE CONTENT. What is not to like about that deal?

Someone once told me that you do not get anything without asking for it first. So, you can consider yourself on notice that I am asking for items 1-3. Cool?

OH! Mike: just wanted to let you know that my mom called me today to tell me she thought you looked like an actor from "The Young and the Restless." You can choose to interpret that however you want. Read more

My Mother and Twitter

As has been well documented on this blog...my mother's discovery of the internet has been a vexing issue for me quite some time.

My father has been "online" (so to speak) for a really long time because of his business. But my mother didn't even know how to use a touch-dial phone for a while there. About 7 years ago, she started going to these classes taught by nuns (aimed for geriatrics living in the Desire House Projects, as a FYI) so she could learn how to use Microsoft Word. Slowly but surely she crawled her way towards the 20th century (I don't say 21st, because I'm sure having to use an IPhone would cause her to have an apoplectic fit). She opened an email account. She discovered "google." She started emailing people with the same family name as her asking, "are you my cousin?" She started getting with it. But I was pretty comfortable that the gap between our technological savvy was so great that she would never catch up with me, and would never be able to monitor me (Big Brother style). WRONG.

This summer, she joined facebook and told me that if I didn't accept her friend request, she was going to disown me and write me out of her will. It was only a matter of time before she found my blog. And now she's found my twitter. My worst fears have become realized. My mother is tracking my every move from a remote location.

A couple of days ago, I received this communication from her.

Subject Line: TV Watching
Message: if i were you i might not twitter so much about tv shows as it makes your social life look terrible.

My immediate and visceral reaction was to yell out, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?" I didn't even know how to address her critique. I find blogs where people are constantly talking about all the restaurants they go to/museums they attend/dinner parties they throw tiresome and self aggrandizing. I do those things too, but I don't feel the need to talk about it ad nauseum. I do not need to seek the approval of others for accomplishing tasks that 99% of the population does without fanfare (See, e.g, doing laundry, cooking a meal, washing a car, or cleaning a room). Plus, no body wants to read that, unless they want to add that in their arsenal of reasons why they hate you. I know I open my computer sometimes and say to myself, "I haven't hated on (enter name here) in a while, so I think I'll go take a look at their website."

Second: who is my mother worried I am NOT going to impress by talking about LOST? Does she think that there are future husbands out there reading, who are totally charmed by everything I say...until they see that I like the tv show Modern Family, and then have second thoughts? NEWSFLASH BIGMOMMAJ (the moniker my mother keeps trying to make happen on this blog): This website reads like ONE GIANT RED FLAG for a potential suitor. High strung? Yes. Overly Dramatic? Yes. Holds irrational and unreasonable grudges for a long time? Yes. I highly doubt the tweets about television are going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Sigh. Is there some way to block someone from accessing the internet? Maybe I will try to confuse her and tell her that all the cool kids are using "Microsoft PowerPoint" to access the internet these days. Read more