I had written up this long and drawn out account on how I found myself inside a Walmart at midnight on Black Friday, but do you really need to know? All you need to know is that I decided to go, and I walked there from the hotel where we were staying. Yes, by foot. And no, my parents did not know that I left the hotel by myself to do this.
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Friday, December 03, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
...and then I flew on a plane.
For loyal readers of Lil Layne, you now know that something about air travel and Layne doesn't mix. Do we all remember the JFK Christmas 2007 debacle? Well, it happened again. I think the day's events are best chronicled in the form of a time-line.
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Sunday, November 07, 2010
Facebook "Questions"
Of all the asinine features www.facebook.com has developed over the years (and we're talking farmville, mafia wars, the "how big is your brain" quiz series, the "autism spectrum test"), I think the facebook "questions" application/page HAS TO BE THE WORST.
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Saturday, September 04, 2010
Like T.I says..."Recognize I'm Back"
Did you miss me? Probably not. It's okay - I wouldn't miss me either. But I am back! A lot has happened since last we spoke. A quick rundown:
1) I got a new computer! My old computer started acting up, so I called Apple again, and starting putting some of my law school training to use. Needless to say, I think the customer service representative from Toronto didn't know what to do with me, so they just decided to replace my computer with a new one. A lesson for all of you looking to have apple replace your computer: if you aren't walking into the apple store with tears, you've already lost. I contend that running into the apple stores of Atlanta and New Orleans with tears streaming down my face is the only reason I got a new computer. Tears are like kryptonite to the "geniuses." They cannot deal with it.
2) I worked! Now, due to certain forms I signed at the beginning of the summer, and certain client privilege doctrines, I can't really talk about what I did. But oh boy...
3) My party crashing style finally got me in trouble. I had been crashing this one VIP tent at a weekly square music fest for a while, and I decided to try and sneak some beers out of the tent for my unlucky, unparty-crashing savvy coworkers. Well...my bag was searched on the way out...and...things got kind of tense. I tried to convince the guy that the 10+ Coors Light beers were for me. He said, "if they're for you, then drink them here, in the tent." Which I did. To prove a point. Needless to say, that evening ended with me hugging DJ Qualls, otherwise known as "that super skinny guy from the road-trip movies and also on that TNT show no one watches called Memphis Beat" and losing a shoe.
4) I moved back in with my parents for the summer. Yeah. For realz. I was forced to sleep in an insect infested room above my father's garage. My parents said that I needed to "spread my wings and finally fly." Never mind the fact that I lived in NYC for 2 years, or go to school 800miles away, or went to college in the northeast, or lived in Scotland for a year...but yeah, I guess they're right.
5) I started my 3rd (and *hopefully* final year) of Law School. It cannot come soon enough. But with the start of any new academic year comes a new class of terrible, and obnoxious students. I was out at the school sponsored social event (mistake #1) and this one 1L pushed past me and said, "excuse me ma'am." MA'AM. I am now "ma'am" age. Next time I see that kid, I'm going to push past HIM and say, "Excuse me, boy." See how he likes it. Also, what's wrong with these 1Ls? I want to ask them, "If someone advised you that a ship was about to sink, would you board it? No, right? THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO LAW SCHOOL?"
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1) I got a new computer! My old computer started acting up, so I called Apple again, and starting putting some of my law school training to use. Needless to say, I think the customer service representative from Toronto didn't know what to do with me, so they just decided to replace my computer with a new one. A lesson for all of you looking to have apple replace your computer: if you aren't walking into the apple store with tears, you've already lost. I contend that running into the apple stores of Atlanta and New Orleans with tears streaming down my face is the only reason I got a new computer. Tears are like kryptonite to the "geniuses." They cannot deal with it.
2) I worked! Now, due to certain forms I signed at the beginning of the summer, and certain client privilege doctrines, I can't really talk about what I did. But oh boy...
3) My party crashing style finally got me in trouble. I had been crashing this one VIP tent at a weekly square music fest for a while, and I decided to try and sneak some beers out of the tent for my unlucky, unparty-crashing savvy coworkers. Well...my bag was searched on the way out...and...things got kind of tense. I tried to convince the guy that the 10+ Coors Light beers were for me. He said, "if they're for you, then drink them here, in the tent." Which I did. To prove a point. Needless to say, that evening ended with me hugging DJ Qualls, otherwise known as "that super skinny guy from the road-trip movies and also on that TNT show no one watches called Memphis Beat" and losing a shoe.
4) I moved back in with my parents for the summer. Yeah. For realz. I was forced to sleep in an insect infested room above my father's garage. My parents said that I needed to "spread my wings and finally fly." Never mind the fact that I lived in NYC for 2 years, or go to school 800miles away, or went to college in the northeast, or lived in Scotland for a year...but yeah, I guess they're right.
5) I started my 3rd (and *hopefully* final year) of Law School. It cannot come soon enough. But with the start of any new academic year comes a new class of terrible, and obnoxious students. I was out at the school sponsored social event (mistake #1) and this one 1L pushed past me and said, "excuse me ma'am." MA'AM. I am now "ma'am" age. Next time I see that kid, I'm going to push past HIM and say, "Excuse me, boy." See how he likes it. Also, what's wrong with these 1Ls? I want to ask them, "If someone advised you that a ship was about to sink, would you board it? No, right? THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO LAW SCHOOL?"
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Thursday, April 22, 2010
Future Husbands: Part Deux
Back by popular demand, I bring you another helping of "Future Husbands from the Ukraine." I decided that since some of my readers are of an older demographic, I should try looking at the 30-50+ age range. And let me tell you...these older bachelors did not disappoint.
First up, meet Alexander.
If I knew how to spell out a cat/tiger purring noise, that's what I'd be typing right now. This 50yr old silver fox knows how to keep it right and tight. Ladies, before you go crazy, he *does* come with a little baggage: "I am calm and tempered man. I have two daughters but they live together with their mother." I think Alexander was hoping we'd be SO distracted by his declarations of being "calm and tempered" that we wouldn't notice the sentence about his progeny living elsewhere in rural Ukraine with an ex wife. Alexander is not at all picky when it comes to a future wife. What is he looking for? "I want to meet a sexy, pretty, tall, non-smoking, not fat, honest, clever, with a sense of humor, neat lady who wants to become ideal and want to create a good family." I guess with a bod like that, he probably has A-L-L the ladies in the Kherson region knocking down his door. Homey has to have some standards.
One of the things that some of my readers in law school complain about is the difficulty in finding a man with their same educational/professional aspirations. I submit that my next bachelor, Eugene, might be your answer.
He's a lawyer! One thing I appreciate about Eugene's profile is that it is VERY clear that he put some time and effort into his answers. Specifically - I'm pretty sure he consulted with an English language thesaurus on more than one occasion. Example: In his description he writes, "I am a calm, tempered, faithful,quiet, counterbalanced,devoted, easily appeased, unrealistic, pensive, sober,judicious, poetic, art, generous, careful." I'm glad to hear that he is both counterbalanced AND devoted. I was worried. Although, one wonders if this lawyer sees the logical error in describing himself as both easily appeased and unrealistic.
He, like Alexander, is also very clear about what he wants out of a woman:
Finally, we have Viktor.
He is 43 years old, divorced, and describes himself as, "quiet, even-tempered, secure, kind, without bad habits.I prefer a casual style of clothing." All well and good. But then...he leaves you with this:
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First up, meet Alexander.
If I knew how to spell out a cat/tiger purring noise, that's what I'd be typing right now. This 50yr old silver fox knows how to keep it right and tight. Ladies, before you go crazy, he *does* come with a little baggage: "I am calm and tempered man. I have two daughters but they live together with their mother." I think Alexander was hoping we'd be SO distracted by his declarations of being "calm and tempered" that we wouldn't notice the sentence about his progeny living elsewhere in rural Ukraine with an ex wife. Alexander is not at all picky when it comes to a future wife. What is he looking for? "I want to meet a sexy, pretty, tall, non-smoking, not fat, honest, clever, with a sense of humor, neat lady who wants to become ideal and want to create a good family." I guess with a bod like that, he probably has A-L-L the ladies in the Kherson region knocking down his door. Homey has to have some standards.
One of the things that some of my readers in law school complain about is the difficulty in finding a man with their same educational/professional aspirations. I submit that my next bachelor, Eugene, might be your answer.
He, like Alexander, is also very clear about what he wants out of a woman:
If you are kind, patient, sexy,faithful,understanding ofHe's a keeper.
your soul mate, loving the classical rock, not mercantile, a
good housewife and not inclined to getting fat.
Finally, we have Viktor.
He is 43 years old, divorced, and describes himself as, "quiet, even-tempered, secure, kind, without bad habits.I prefer a casual style of clothing." All well and good. But then...he leaves you with this:
I like sport, fishing, tourism. I have a secondary-specialI am not even going to comment.
education and I am a cook by profession. Probably I shall
taste you once with my dishes.
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Friday, April 16, 2010
Dealbreakers
Do you ever go to gmail, type in one word in the "Search" function, and read the results? I just did that for the phrase "dealbreaker" and I felt compelled to share.
Not all of these were said by me, but I do agree that they are all dealbreakers.
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He was wearing giants athletic shorts, a tie-dye giants t-shirt AND......giants CROCS. DEALBREAKER
A guy who doesn't watch TV? DEALBREAKER
He loved tony romo. DEALBREAKER.
He said, "i love the mudslides at tgi fridays" DEALBREAKER
Cellphone Holsters. DEALBREAKER
If a guy proposed to me with a ring paid for by PLUS Loans? DEALBREAKER
His name is Dustin?? DEALBREAKER
His favorite drink is half sprite/half beer. He calls it a "snow white." DEALBREAKER
He told me "my favorite sitcom of all time is king of queens. Kevin James is a comedic genius." seriously??? DEALBREAKER
I'm not willing to settle for someone who seems mentally unhinged. also, someone who went to osteopath school is a DO instead of a MD. DEALBREAKER
A guy who doesn’t read? DEALBREAKER
Does he live at home? DEALBREAKER
He has no other guy friends? DEALBREAKER
Um, i'm sorry --cartoonist? DEALBREAKER
He placed his cat's paws on his arms? DEALBREAKER
Not all of these were said by me, but I do agree that they are all dealbreakers.
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Thursday, April 15, 2010
Men's Fashion
Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time?
What is the deal with men in the south who wear this:
I just don't get it. There is no place in society for a short-sleeved button up shirt for a man. Either you are committing to the oxford and rolling up the sleeves if it gets a little warm, or you are going with a polo/tshirt. Who are these people who think they can have it both ways? I recently went to church and counted about 37 offenders. In the house of God? You're really going to give that sort of C+ effort? Of course...having said that..I was at church for the express purpose of meeting men, so maybe I shouldn't stand in my glass house and throw stones.
But let's get back to the matter at hand. The short sleeved button up shirt is the clothing equivalent of a mullet. "Business in the front, party in the back!" False. Just like you're not going to get in the door at a company with a mullet, you are not going to be taken seriously at work with one of these Jehovah's witness shirts. Also, for me, it is a dealbreaker.
And I wonder why I am single.
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What is the deal with men in the south who wear this:
I just don't get it. There is no place in society for a short-sleeved button up shirt for a man. Either you are committing to the oxford and rolling up the sleeves if it gets a little warm, or you are going with a polo/tshirt. Who are these people who think they can have it both ways? I recently went to church and counted about 37 offenders. In the house of God? You're really going to give that sort of C+ effort? Of course...having said that..I was at church for the express purpose of meeting men, so maybe I shouldn't stand in my glass house and throw stones.
But let's get back to the matter at hand. The short sleeved button up shirt is the clothing equivalent of a mullet. "Business in the front, party in the back!" False. Just like you're not going to get in the door at a company with a mullet, you are not going to be taken seriously at work with one of these Jehovah's witness shirts. Also, for me, it is a dealbreaker.
And I wonder why I am single.
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Sunday, April 11, 2010
You can find anything on the internet...
...Including a husband. Did YOU know there was a website with the url ALovingHusband.com? There is. I've done a review of some of the prospects on there, and here are my top choices.
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Friday, April 09, 2010
Well, it happened again.
My hard-drive crashed. It happened last semester a week before Thanksgiving, and now it's happened again -- 2 weeks before my first final. My reaction?
I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.
But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.
How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
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I cried in public at the Apple store. And we're not talking the lone-tear-streaming-down-your-cheek, presidential-funeral, dignified crying. No. We're talking uncontrollably, face-getting read, people-slowly-backing-away-from-you type crying. I felt bad for Colin, my Apple Store Genius who was brought out specifically to deal with me. I think he was probably their pinch hitter, tasked to deal with only the most serious cases, sort of like Detectives Benson and Stabler on Law and Order: SVU.
But this brings me to my main point: I would like a new laptop. Not only is my laptop essentially important...but I am starting a novel this summer! How can I be expected to write if I am constantly in fear that my POS computer is going to break down again? But I can't afford a new laptop. I can't even afford imported beer. So I would like Steve Jobs to send me one for free.
How should I go about achieving this goal? Should I start open letter campaigns, or should I make youtube videos? Maybe I should tell apple that I am filming a movie, and that if they send me a free laptop, I will give them unlimited product placement. Has anyone gamed the system and gotten a brand new replacement mac because their other mac (which is still under applecare) keeps breaking down? I am open to suggestions.
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