Cougars

It looks like the brain trust over at Foxnews has been hard at work -- they have decided to "sink their teeth" into some hard-hitting and investigative journalism over a topic gripping this nation: Cougars.

According to Fox News, "Thanks to shows like “Sex and the City” and “Desperate Housewives,” older women are where it’s at when it comes to sex appeal. And these women are working it everywhere." Actually, I think there is very little we can thank either of those shows for -- maybe we can thank Sex and the City into deluding young recent grads that they, too, can live the dream in New York. Let me tell you...rent controlled 1 bedrooms on the UES for $700 a month? False. I lived in a studio crackden in Spanish Harlem with a schizophrentic piano player living above me and my rent was almost double $700 a month. One time the ceiling caved in on my bathroom in the middle of the night. You think Carrie Bradshaw ever brushed her teeth amongst rubble? No.

Back to the article. "It used to be that no gal would ever want to be called a “cougar.” A Canadian slang word, it was originally a derogatory term for older women at bars who would go home at the end of the night with any “leftovers.” I don't even know how to BEGIN comment on this statement. First, I gotta say -- not totally unsurprising that the Country that has given rise to such colloquial phrases such as the "Canadian Tuxedo " is the etymological source of the term "cougar." Also, I'm glad this writer is opting to bring back to term "gal" -- it really adds an authoritative tone to the whole piece.

The article is at its most informative when it decides to illuminate its reader on the four types of cougar:

Power Cougars — Often sporting a power suit, this highly educated woman needs to be discreet about her trysts, given that she’s often “busting balls” in the boardroom or hanging with the big guys. THESE WOMEN DO NOT EXIST. If there is a single older woman who is in a high ranking position of power at a company, she is not on a "cougar prowl" for a "tryst" with a young man. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. Strike 1.

Intellectual Cougars — This bright lady is the sort you’ll find reading in a bookstore café, dabbling in philosophical debates or looking to shape society via the media. Nope -- they don't exist either. Strike 2.

Unexpected Cougars — This quiet and demure woman is the sort you’d never expect to seduce someone too young to remember when Madonna was 'like a virgin.' The unexpected cougar??? are you kidding me with this?? Now they are REALLY scraping the barrel. Is there not some sort of war fox news should be covering instead of writing this??? Strike 3.

Divorcée Cougar — Having just gotten out of a marriage that lasted into the double digits, this woman is rearing to go and wants zero attachment. Okay, these people probably do exist. I'll concede this one.

The article decides to conclude with...I guess...a warning? "Sexy or not, the cougar’s purr has become a roar...Walk down any street, and you’ll see cougars turning heads. If you're brave enough to play with this cat, know that she adores having her ego stroked. And know that she’ll bite if you ask about her beauty secrets — or her age."
Hey -- fox news -- do you remember when that crazy woman kept a chimpanzee as a companion?? Remember those horrifying pictures of the crazy lady treating her chimp like a husband/child/companion/partner?? and do you remember how the chimp ended up biting the face of the woman's friend?? Well because of your last sentence, when I think "cougar" - i am going to think of that woman.

As an after thought -- I decided to google "cougar" and, low and behold, one of the top hits is a website called "dateacougar.com" For any of my male readers out there whose interests have been piqued by FoxNews diligent and complete coverage of this issue...I direct you to this particularly fierce looking woman who is on the prowl: Moonbeam.

xoxo
Lil Layne Read more

Is our children learning?

This is a question I often find myself asking every time I go home to New Orleans. During one of my latest trips back to the 504, I decided to go to a coffee shop to do schoolwork. As soon as I sat down, the place became FILLED with all of these 16yr old high school students who were also "working".....except their definition of working was walking around to each others tables and flashing their iphones about while I sat like a lech and watched. In any event, as I spied on the teens in an almost Humbert-Humbert like fashion, I overhear the following conversation:

Girl 1: Ugh. I have to give a presentation on Hamlet and about something called a Sole-i-quiwhy
Boy 1: I think you pronounce it soliloquy.
Girl 2: Why are soooo smart??? we would have never figured it out if you hadn't known.
Boy 1: I mean, its no big deal, I am just really good in school. I have like, above a college aged vocabulary.
Layne: *to herself* WTF does that mean? What is a college aged vocabulary anyway?? He knows what "pre-game" or "keg" or "DUI" means?? Or, if he went to MHC, he knows what "the male gaze" or "the gilded cage" or "gender subversion" means??
G1: Oooh -- maybe you can help us then, so....what does...Sole-i-quiwhy mean?
G2: Jen, he said it was pronounced soliloquy, and how do you not know what it means if you have to do a presentation on it??
G1: No, I mean, I do know what it means...it means when, like, the gods from, like, above or whatever come and help or, like, do something.
Layne: *Snorts and says to herself* looks like someone can't tell the difference between deus ex machina and a soliloquy, what a loser !!!! *Layne then realizes that maybe she herself is the loser having known such a distinction*
G2: Jen, don't be stupid...that's what a monologue is..you know, Mono for like 1 god.
Layne: *to herself* Oh boy.
****there is some back and forth discussion between Girl 1 and Girl 2 about what a soliloquy means while Boy 1 looks on amused. Layne wonders if maybe this boy might be the hope of the generation, and that maybe he is smarter than he appears, and that maybe we aren't all doomed. He sure looks confidently on as the two girls bicker, getting progressively cattier with one another. Boy decides to finally set them straight****
Boy 1: Y'all are both wrong. It's a totally easy mistake though -- i mean, I totally wouldn't have known what it means but I only know b/c of my college aged vocabulary..but like, I don't study or work hard or anything..I just get good grades naturally. But, like, whatever. Soliloquy means to kill your sister.
L: ****lets out an audible laugh, so loud that everyone in the coffee shop turns to look at her. She immediately fears that the catty teenagers are going to spread mean stories about her in homeroom the next day..when reality sets in, and she realizes that a) she is not in high school, b) she, in fact, has a college degree in English Literature and c) who the f cares if some 16 yr olds think she is a creepy old weirdo. The coffee shop finally turns their attentions away from her*****
Girl 1 and 2: OMFG!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT. So, its like, when Hamlet kills his sister Ophelia?? COOL! I'm sooo going to get an A on this presentation. Read more

Live from the Oakdale Mall

So..for about 1+ years now, I have been following Newschannel 34 in Binghamton's "Live from the Oakdale Mall" series. Now, I don't have any sort of geographic or personal ties to binghamton...but, the videos have provided me incredible entertainment. For those of you not in the know (which, lets be honest here, is everyone except for me)...in lieu of doing reporting at an actual news station...Newschannel 34 in Binghamton likes to broadcast live from the local mall, and invite acts to come on and play. I think there is actually NO oversight or screening of the acts who appear on the show. Ex: there was once a middle school acapella group comprised of 5 extremely awkward 12/13 yr old boys, who sang their own rendition of "My Girl." There was also once a man who ran around in a circle making bubbles out of coat hangers while big band music played in the background. Most recently though...I have been following the career of one Mr. Rich Wilson.

Rich Wilson is a combination of a singer/hypnotist. He appears to not write his own music...instead only performing along with karaoke accompaniment. His 'repertoire' only consists of music which is at least 40 years old. He also travels along with an "entourage" who appear to be lost older people who don't know where they are or how they got there. Yet miraculously...there they are...at every Rich Wilson "show" in the mall. Please see around minute 2:22 of the video for an example of his entourage gettin' down with their bad selves.

Rich Wilson also advertises himself on his website as a "hypnotist" and has a photos of his handy work:


A couple of points:
1) Not so sure how the parents of those teenage boys would feel about their sons being featured so prominently without shirts on a middle aged man's "hypnotism" website
2) His entourage..just generally.
3) Rich Wilson seems to have quite a bit of confidence and swagger for a man clearly on the brink of a mid-life crisis who is sings at a mall and has to kidnap his "fans" from their nursing homes to attend his shows.
4) I wonder if he has a single son my age... Read more

Like a Phoenix from the ashes...

I have decided to reincarnate my blog. Now, as my dedicated 3 readers from my illustrious 3+ years of blogging know...I tend to be somewhat lackadaisical about the whole enterprise. Then something very profound happened....I read an entry about Perez Hilton's birthday party. To be sure...the list of "celebrities" that attended his party were MOSTLY C-/D+ list in nature...but Salman Rushdie?? Seriously?? I bet you Perez hasn't even read the Satanic Verses. So, i've decided to take this more seriously...in the hopes of attracting Salman Rushdie to attend my 26th birthday party. Obviously Perez and I have a *slightly* different reader base, but I believe that you, my 3 readers, can make this dream happen. Let's work on it.

xoxo,
Lil Layne Read more

Mormons

After Halloween, I am extremely hungover, and can only manage to make it to the couch in the den to lie there and watch a West Wing marathon. Roommate has been gone all day, started at 9am (when she was puttering around clanging pots and pans and agitating me in my extremely hungover/still drunk state). All of the sudden the door opens....

Roommate: (walks in and looks at me in fetal position on couch with remainders of chinese take out surrounding me while I am watching TV) Have you been here, all day?
Layne: (actually wants to vomit on her face to teach her a lesson about how to word questions in a non-judgmental manner) Yeah, I was out til 3am (and thinks to herself "as was the rest of the law school, except for, apparently, you)
R: I just came back from a pig roast. It was so interesting.
L: (Although the phrase "pig roast" does pique her interest, it is just too much energy, and she just continues to lie there)
R: There were many mormons there. It was a mormon pig roast.
L: (is broken out of her comatose with the revelation that she was no only eating pig from a stick today, she was with mormons too) HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FIND THESE EVENTS?
R: (Is shocked by L's sudden use of profanity) I was invited.
L: Did he have multiple wives? Did he want you to be his fifth wife? (L, laughing at her own culturally insensitive joke)
R: I do not understand
L: Some mormons are polygamists, how do you not know this? It's a very touchy subject.
R: Oh, i did not know about this. I will ask my friend about his views on polygamy.
L: That is not appropriate whatsoever. Like totally not appropriate. Do not say that, you will just embarrass yourself and make him feel uncomfortable.
R: (Is indignant) I do not think that is true at all. I will ask him next time I see him.
::::L decides she is a lost cause, and maybe she could watch her ask the mormon about his thoughts on polygamy, for the humor in it:::: Read more

Technology

One day when driving roommate back from the grocery store (her favorite place in all of Atlanta), roommate comments on the technological state of America.

Roommate: I think America, for telling the world it is so advanced, is very technologically behind
Layne: :::picks the wrong moment to start listening to roommate::: What do you mean?
R: Well look here, there are these chords with the electricity, so old on the street, so old
L: (Getting agitated that roommate is talking while "Love, Lockdown" is playing on the radio) I don't understand your point at all.
R: In Munich, we have chords built under the street, Germany is so much more advanced than America
L: (thinking to herself, "i'm not so sure 'advanced' is how i'd describe a country which has public restrooms with blown out holes between the men's and women's bathroom" as she saw when she was in Germany) I mean, you can't really compare the two cities at all
R: I think you can compare, they are very similar.
L: (is starting to want to careen the car into one of the electrical posts which is the topic of the conversation, but traffic will not allow her to do so.) I mean, let's be honest here, WASN'T MUNICH REBUILT 50 YEARS AGO???
::: Awkward Silence::::
R: I mean, yes, it was rebuilt, but that is no reason why America can't put in these sorts of underground wire technologies like Munich
L: That is exactly a reason. When you rebuild a city, you get to start over. It is very hard to completely dismantle an infrastructure unless say, there is a world war which destroys the entire city. Then maybe you have time to do things like build electrical wires under ground. And New York City does have underground wires. So there.
::: L speeds car into parking lot and runs out as quickly as possible. Conversation is over.::::: Read more

Resuming the Blog

Dear All,

I have decided to resume blogging, for one specific purpose: to blog about my current living situation.

Lil Layne has a new roommate. She is 20, 6'1, does not own a hair dryer or brush, is from Germany, is an only child, has never lived away from home until now, and sharing a small space with me.

Her hobbies include: talking on skype with her parents ("Hallo Mama!"), playing acoustic guitar at objectionable times of the night (who doesn't love the catchy tune "greensleaves" , walking in the woods and playing guitar, whistling, cooking (her favorite meal is peas, with canned tuna and feta, with a side of oatmeal, and some sour cream to eat with a spoon - yummy!)

She has a boyfriend who stayed with us for 3 weeks. She also had a friend who stayed with us for another 3 weeks the day after the boyfriend left. After these visitors have left, she has no one, except for me.

That should appropriately set the scene. Read more

"How about that Tupac? He is a great rapper"

A couple of weeks ago I went down to DC for a much needed 3-day vacation before quitting my job. It was in DC that I met the newest character in the comedy of errors that is my life. Let us call him "Jeremy".

::Scene:: Local brew house in the Chinatown area of DC. Sunday Night. Two girls enter after dinner to have a quiet beer. As the two girls sip their drinks, they notice a lone man, age unknown, who pulls up at the bar next to them. He pulls out a phone, one that i mistakenly believed to be a blackberry, but then later realized it was just a nokia cell phone, circa 2000. He orders some obscure german drink that comes with a champagne-esque cork, and an extremely long glass. We stare.

Jeremy: Would you like to have a taste of my beer?
::L and A are totaly thrown off by this complete stranger's offer of a sip of his beverage. Could he be trusted? L looks down at his shoes and sees tennis shoes circa 1999, and high white socks..all worn with shorts, and thinks "no" to herself.::
L: You know, I am good with my beer right now...::L thinks to herself and adds, "and I don't share drinks with weird strangers with nokia phones from 2000"::
J: Alrighty then....so....what sort of music do you ladies like to listen to?
::Thrown off by this introductory question. Am used to such questions like, "do you come here often" or "What is your name, what do you do?">::
L: Gangsta Rap. I love Gangsta rap, dirty south rap, too...but the more gangsta, the better.
J: You know who is a great rapper? That Tupac Shakur. He can thrown down some rhymes. He is very talented.

The scene comes to a screeching halt. This was the first indication (other than the unsolicited invite for a sip of his drink) that there was something NOT RIGHT about this guy. Did he realize that Tupac had been dead for more than 10 years? Was that the only rapper he had ever heard of? No Jay-Z? No Kanye??

L: You know he's been dead for like...10..years right?
::Jeremy looks puzzled, and does not speak::
Amy: I like death cab, etc
J: You know who I love? Ben Harper. He is just so fresh and current and great.
::Another puzzling song choice. While we all loved Ben Harper back in say.....2003...I would never classify him as "fresh" and "current"::
J: He wrote this great song, you should youtube the video. It is a song with pictures of the actor named Heath who died. It is very moving

It turns out, that our gentleman caller was a 32 year old aiming to get his community college degree. He had spent the last 10+ years in Germany, working in an unspecified army job, and more recently, he was an "intern" at bnp paribas. We soon realized that because he had been out of the country for hte last 10 years, his cultural references were totally and completely dated. Examples:

1) He thought Tupac was alive
2) He asked us if we had seen in any good movies in the theaters lately, and he mentioned the last 3 movies he saw in the theaters. They were released in 2002.
3) His cell phone was from 2000.

He was also a weird romantic. He told me that Annie Hall was the most romantic movie he had ever seen, and he wanted to go to New York to walk past the Tiffany's store that he had seen so many times in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

We continued to talk to Jeremy for a long while. He told us we were very intelligent because we have read books. He told us his favorite author is John Grishom. He also told us about "german traditions" like how in Germany, people bring cakes to work for birthdays, and they have special "German Traditions" called the "JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge" race. I broke it to him that all of those things happen in the united states too, but he argued with me and told me it was a "special" german tradition.

As the evening came to a close, we begin to realize that we are probably the first two people this guy has spoken to in 10 years, as he seems on the brink of panic that we are leaving him. He pulls out the nokia, and the dreaded question comes out: "...So, do you think maybe we could all exchange contact information...."

Note to self: do not give clingy 30 somethings who apparently have no friends contact information, because they will then proceed to call 230329 times, text 392 times, and email once. And even if you tell them, "wrong number", the will say, "that is weird, because I met someone who was named Lane..."

Maybe I shouldn't be picky...lest I end up at the dreaded Table for One. Read more

Dear New York,

New York, I've been meaning to have a chat with you recently. Look, we gave it a really good shot...but..I just don't think it's working out anymore. You don't have enough time for me, and I, quite honestly, don't have enough money for you. While it would be easy for me just to cut and run, I'd like you to know why we are breaking up. You didn't get the best of me. You weren't too tough for me. I'm just over it. And here are the things I am done with:

The Dating Scene
New York, this might be the cruelest thing about you. Its like you woke up one morning and thought: how can I REALLY make them hurt. I know, I'll create a wretched excess of wealth, an army of overly aggressive short men who take that money, and then an overstock of women. The most attractive go to the unattractive short busted rich men, and the rest are left to fight over the halal cart guy, or the misunderstood schizophrenic guy outside Grand Central. The thing is this: I wonder if the men of New York recognize how EASY they have it?? 80% of the men in relationships in this city would be shut down every night of the week in any other city.

The Subway Commute in the Morning
New York, nothing makes me closer to losing it than my subway ride in the morning. 1) I don't get the couples who stand in the subway and feel the need to peck on each other for the 6 minute ride. I also hate how everyone else has to make adjustments and move around to avoid the overly affectionate couples on the subway. Next overly affectionate couple I see whispering and nibbling on each others lips, I swear to god, I'm going to spit on them. In their eyes. It's going to happen. 2) WHO ARE THESE MOTHER F*CKERS WHO STAND AT THE DOORS WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET OFF OR ON? It's like they are SO SCARED they will lose their spot. Hey, guy, it's not like you're on the last lifeboat to get off the titanic here. 3) Clinque Happy. There is nothing that brings me closer to a homicidal tipping point than when I suddenly smell Clinique Happy on the train. A) The year 2001 called, it wants its fragrance back, and B)The guy at work you are probably trying to impress with your scent is probably attracted to your 21 year old dumb secretary anyway - hate to break it to you.



Being "Thrown Under the Bus"
I never once heard that phrase in my life before I moved here, but now it is part of my daily vocabulary. Not only am I thrown under the bus every day, but I in turn throw others under the bus. And the sad thing is this: i don't even realize when I throw someone under the bus anymore. It is just instinct. Throw or be thrown.

Blackberries
I really want a blackberry. So this post is mostly airing my grievances about not having a blackberry. All of my friends have them. I should have one too. But, I don't want to get my own blackberry -- that is so pathetic. I want someone to tell me i'm so important and valuable that I need a blackberry. This will clearly never happen. My entire worth as an employee comes from the fact that I can format an index and print out labels. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that when I went on vacation I was actually being replaced by some well programmed robot software that only has "Binder of Documents" programmed into its language.

Attorney: "Hey Layne, can you get me that..."
Robot: "Binder of Documents"
Attorney: Great Job! Thx.

Attorney,: Layne, where can I find that stuff?
Robot: The Binder of Documents
Attorney: u r a rockstar!!

Attorney: Layne, I need you to come up and get some stuff"
Robot: The Binder of Documents"
Attorney: YOU GOT IT! You WILL be making a binder of documents. You don't even need instructions you are so good! Read more

An Open Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Barack,
My name is Layne Hilton. I want to work for you. I am very good at making binders and sorting through documents. You rock my world. Every time you speak, I shout and raise my hands in the air in my petite crackden studio apartment in Spanish Harlem. You are my valentine (I've even picked out the E-Card I plan on awkwardly sending you). Please give me a job. I would make a very good personal assistant. Just think about it. I'll even let you stay at my parents' bed and breakfast FOR FREE if you give me a job. I think it's a win/win - you get a dedicated personal assistant AND a free room in New Orleans. Think about it.


Love you,
Layne Read more