Dear New York,

New York, I've been meaning to have a chat with you recently. Look, we gave it a really good shot...but..I just don't think it's working out anymore. You don't have enough time for me, and I, quite honestly, don't have enough money for you. While it would be easy for me just to cut and run, I'd like you to know why we are breaking up. You didn't get the best of me. You weren't too tough for me. I'm just over it. And here are the things I am done with:

The Dating Scene
New York, this might be the cruelest thing about you. Its like you woke up one morning and thought: how can I REALLY make them hurt. I know, I'll create a wretched excess of wealth, an army of overly aggressive short men who take that money, and then an overstock of women. The most attractive go to the unattractive short busted rich men, and the rest are left to fight over the halal cart guy, or the misunderstood schizophrenic guy outside Grand Central. The thing is this: I wonder if the men of New York recognize how EASY they have it?? 80% of the men in relationships in this city would be shut down every night of the week in any other city.

The Subway Commute in the Morning
New York, nothing makes me closer to losing it than my subway ride in the morning. 1) I don't get the couples who stand in the subway and feel the need to peck on each other for the 6 minute ride. I also hate how everyone else has to make adjustments and move around to avoid the overly affectionate couples on the subway. Next overly affectionate couple I see whispering and nibbling on each others lips, I swear to god, I'm going to spit on them. In their eyes. It's going to happen. 2) WHO ARE THESE MOTHER F*CKERS WHO STAND AT THE DOORS WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET OFF OR ON? It's like they are SO SCARED they will lose their spot. Hey, guy, it's not like you're on the last lifeboat to get off the titanic here. 3) Clinque Happy. There is nothing that brings me closer to a homicidal tipping point than when I suddenly smell Clinique Happy on the train. A) The year 2001 called, it wants its fragrance back, and B)The guy at work you are probably trying to impress with your scent is probably attracted to your 21 year old dumb secretary anyway - hate to break it to you.



Being "Thrown Under the Bus"
I never once heard that phrase in my life before I moved here, but now it is part of my daily vocabulary. Not only am I thrown under the bus every day, but I in turn throw others under the bus. And the sad thing is this: i don't even realize when I throw someone under the bus anymore. It is just instinct. Throw or be thrown.

Blackberries
I really want a blackberry. So this post is mostly airing my grievances about not having a blackberry. All of my friends have them. I should have one too. But, I don't want to get my own blackberry -- that is so pathetic. I want someone to tell me i'm so important and valuable that I need a blackberry. This will clearly never happen. My entire worth as an employee comes from the fact that I can format an index and print out labels. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that when I went on vacation I was actually being replaced by some well programmed robot software that only has "Binder of Documents" programmed into its language.

Attorney: "Hey Layne, can you get me that..."
Robot: "Binder of Documents"
Attorney: Great Job! Thx.

Attorney,: Layne, where can I find that stuff?
Robot: The Binder of Documents
Attorney: u r a rockstar!!

Attorney: Layne, I need you to come up and get some stuff"
Robot: The Binder of Documents"
Attorney: YOU GOT IT! You WILL be making a binder of documents. You don't even need instructions you are so good!