I am going to comprehensively update about the ENTIRE trip, stop by stop, every salacious detail, when I return from Roma tomorrow. Until then, Ciao! Read more

Wine Tasting Society at MHC anyone??

Classy is chugging a bottle of blush Chianti Wine at a wine tasting in Tuscany as middle aged couples from New York throw Euros down on the table to get you to do it. Needless to say, I came out of the entire situation with 14 euro, and about an entire bus full of new friends the age of my parents.

I'm in Florence, and the weather here is ABSOLUTELY dreadful. I thought Italy was going to be the sun and fun portion of SB2k5. I have pneumonia (only exacerbated by the cold showers I had to take in my Mafia run Ventian Hostel), probably multiple STDs from my gondola ride (and ipso facto my gondalier Guiseppi), my hair as definitely seen better days, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to kick it like Daisy Miller in the end.

My hostel owner is currently listening to trance, with blacklight and disco ball, in the hole in the wall(strategically placed next to the IBM Packard circa 1989 I currently type to you from) he calls home. While this is all evident to me, and sort of in the realm of hostel normalcy (well, what is normal when one has just come from a Hostel where at 10pm on the dot a DVD player in the box is transported to a Land Cruiser with Rims), what I am unclear about is how people keep coming out of his room. So far 3 people have left. I have not seen anyone go in, and when the door is open, I look in the room and it is empty..yet 3 minutes later, out walks the entire italian queer eye crew. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that this "hostel" might actually be a "swingers club" and if I don't watch myself, i'm going to end up in a menage-a-trois with the couple from Russia who smell of rot.

Ciao Bella! Read more

Neonazis, Punks and WASPs, oh my.

So I'm updating, YET AGAIN my friends, from Munich. Let me tell you what is fun: getting caught in a neonazi rally in a country where you don't speak the language. Good thing I decided to go full on aryan today with my Polo and Pearls, so fear not---all is safe here in Munchen.

Okay new topic of discussion: Let's talk about 35+ year old men and their new found obsession with me. First we have El Greco, Spyronwhateverthefuck, who spoke to me for MAYBE 1 minute, probably less--and in an attempt to get him to leave me alone, i gave him my number and ran away. 3 text messages, 2 phone messages and 1483 missed calls later, I'm realizing that may not have been the best idea. A) He doesn't know my name, instead only referring to me as Sweety in the various and sundry messages I have recieved (keep in mind, all went unreciprocated) B) his business card says "General Consultant" and "Location: Greece". C) He wanted me to meet him in Krakow, EVEN THOUGH HE DOESNT KNOW MY NAME AND I HAVE NEVER RETURNED A SINGLE CALL OR TEXT MESSAGE. So, Spyrifuckwit, if you googled "sweety" and SOMEHOW got this here blog, I have a message for you: LEAVE ME ALONE. Okay Secondly, we have man from bar last night. Spots me, starts speaking frantic german (oh, need i say age is circa 37). I give the ubiquitous "Oh i dont speaka your language" and try to run away...only to be physically pulled towards mid-life crisis when he asks me, in english if i want to see the other side of munich. Dont ask me what that means. Fellas, take the hint...WE DONT LIKE THEM OLD. Well at least, normal girls who don't wear capes aren't interested.

Okay, here's hoping the riot police who are hotter than colin farrel circa SWAT are still out and prowling the street. Even if I was yelled at for trying to take a picture of them. Comment Away. Read more

More Comprehensive Update

Héll0 ---or as our new sketchtastic german/czech/danish hostel friends say,"You Need to go drinking tonight because you are going to die tomorrow."

It is almost impossible to update city by city my observations, but since all 4 of you rely on my blog entries to go about your day--I feel I must at least try.

I think we should have realized the trip was doomed from the beginning. So we´re walking into Glasgow Prestwick ánd I see what can best be described as 700-1000 cheerleaders/girlscouts wearing hats with overssized cartoon characters all over them, singing songs and cheering. I am completely thrown off. Ever since I wasn't cool enough to join the girl scouts as a young girl (apparently constant crying and homesickness arent values they look for in a girl scout), i have been a little wary of the entire organization. So of course im pissed to potentially be stuck on a plane with this crew. Well, I believe the phrases, "There is NO way I am getting on that plane if they are on it.." and "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE" were uttered at pretty loud volumes. At this point, this man, with about 53 small little boys circa 5 yrs of age turns around and informs me that, no, they are not cheerleaders, they are actually all mentally handicapped going on a special weekend that most have been waiting their entire lives for. Adding insult to injury, he tells me its okay I didnt know about it, he had to warn his sons too not to say things like I said. Keep in mind his sons are eating Gerbers.

HAMBURG
Do not go here. Do not think it is a good idea to go here because they make it look nice on brochures. It is actually a shithole, and I think i saw human body parts in the Thai Prison-esq bathroom we were charged 1euro to use. Here is a basic rule, you shouldnt be charging money for a bathroom when there is no divider between the womens and mens because a giant hole has been blown through. Also, lets talk about bringing dogs onto a train. Dont do it--because chances are, if you are bringing your rotweiller aboard, you arent smelling too good to begin with.

BERLIN
We arrived into the East Berlin Train station--and, not to be totally and completely politically incorrect here--it reeked of communism. And while there was a Mickey D's there-- I couldn't help but think they were portioning and rationing French fries in the back We arrive to our humble abode for the evening--a little place called the "Mittes"--or as I like to call it, "shits". Why you ask? Oh..maybe because when I went to my bed a bat fetus of a woman was wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in the ubiquitous fetal sucking thumb no doubt--all the while, ON MY BED. So I go downstairs to the really competent chap working front desk, he was probably on blunt number 3 I would say. I inform him of my problem, which he decides to fix by taking another guests shit off of their bed and telling me its mine. Fine--if the man in charge downstairs says to do it, it will work, and as it is 2am, im sure no one is coming for that bed anyways. W R O N G. Fast forward to 6am when a drunk british man starts full body pushing me and yelling for me to get out of his bed. I wake up, look around, notice no one is going to help in, what is eventually going to deteriorate into drunken cage style street fight in the bottom bunk of this bed, and decide I would rather spoon with my new friend Juan Pablo instead of fight bad-teeth. Luckily another bed was open, and I didnt have to go south of the border with my new friend, but needless to say, it didnt really endear me to the place.

Well, I feel like i've left you with enough salacious details to keep you reading--so I must go. Hope all is well, and be sure to leave comments so I know someone actually reads this. Cheers! Read more

UPDATE FROM PRAHA

Hello faithful readers, all 4 of you. I'm reporting from Prague--I can't give as good an update as I would like--but rest assured over the past days I have met: The entire NFL Berlin Thunder Team, John McCain, Frans Dietrach, Juan Pedro, Lestate, Buffallo Bill, the entire School of Brewery of Edinburgh (??yes, only in praha), a drunk englishman who climbed in my bed, and various and sundry other randaminos of my acquaitence.

Some Quotes from Last Night sketchiness like you wouldnt believe, praha style:
"Would you rather do Tom Cruise, or give Donald Sutherland head?"
"Layne, you do realize that you just bought his entire meal and drink with my money don't you?"
"The strip clubs are no good--go to the discoteca with me and party all night lonnnnggg "-John McCain circa 70 years of age
"What are you doing?", "Don't worry, i'm just putting your full name into my palm pilot"
"The strip clubs here are class acts. Not like in the states where they don't show you anything." Read more

I feel lame giving this a title

Let's talk about the weather in Berlin: Rainy and Cold. EXCUSE ME? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRING BREAK. Awesome-rainy and cold in Prague. Hmm let's go ahead and check Munich--YOU DON'T SAY? Rainy and Cold. Just for arguments sake, I'm going to check to see what the weather is like in Kandahar. Well would you believe..Its 86 degrees and sunny there? Next year, come spring break time, I know where I'm headed in a desert all-terrain vehicle.

Also, I just want to acknowledge that yes, I realize the title of this..Well I can't even really type it out because when I do I feel like such a loser (I mean, not to judge those who do it..I just think, in general, that you are freaks) but I realize the title of this (starts with a B and ends with a Log)is really terrible. "Spring Travels" Who the F do I think I am? Ms. Elizabeth Bennett...Jane Austen-Style? I can't really see E.B (pride and prejudice losers know what this means) downing pints of Straopramen and sleeping in a Hostel bedroom with potentially 18 other miscreants who may or may not be gainfully unemployed.

Also, I'm so glad that we are now approaching 2am and I have yet to pack one item. I'm not too worried about it though--although i'm sure when i'm in Venice i'll realize i've forgotten something I can't live without--like batteries for my pacemaker.No, I don't have a pacemaker

Enter the drunkards into the K.C Courtyard. Let's keep our fingers crossed that my good friends, "You Steal My Bike I stab you with a Knife" make another appearance tonight. I very much enjoyed when the gangly one proceeded to strip and jump on top of cars, all the while screaming, "I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR BLOODY BALLS OFF" as he pounded the concavity that was his chest. OH WAIT, YES, MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE--while it appears as if "You Steal My Bike.." has gone on holiday, "OH YEAH GIVE IT TO HER, GIVE IT TO HER GOOD, STICK IT TO HER, POUND HER" has come to take his vacant time slot. Let it be known: there is no one else in the courtyard, and the individual is screaming with his eyes closed.

On that note: i'm going to pack. Read more

It's the end of an Era

I can no longer sit on my moral high-horse. I have become one of you blogfreaks I frequently hate on unmercifully. Does this mean I need to buy a cape/dye my hair black/start collecting swords? Before you get the hot iron seal to stamp my hand in skull&bones secret society manner--let me make one thing clear: I am only doing this during my trip, to appease my parents worry that I will end up in a Berlin cabaret singing "It's Raining Men" whilst wearing a mustache and a top hat. I mean, that might still happen--I'm not going to rule it out--but at least I can write about it here so my parents will know.

I would now like to take this time to address the things that puzzle me about Scotland.
1-Since when did men think it was EVER acceptable to style their hair in a half-Mohawk half-mullet? I wish these people would stop making Prince(as in, the artist formally known as) their fashion Icon. Otherwise, my fear is that over time their hair is going to genetically mutate into horrific style--and Scotland will become the butt of even more jokes than they already are.
2-When did the O.C theme song become the #1 club song?? There is nothing more disarming than seeing the t-rex haired scottish men (as addressed above) jumping up and down screaming "CALIFORRRRRRNAAA" (yes, you read that correctly, californa..They can't even really pronounce the name of the state)

Sidebar: It is now 11:30, and my eurail pass has not yet arrived. I mean, I do have until 5, as the time frame they gave me for delivery was sometime between 9am and 5pm. Don't you love when they do that? I mean, I would almost prefer, "Get ready to sit in your dingy room all day" to "The time frame of delivery is between 9 and 5" DO THEY REALIZE THAT IS 8 HOURS? I would HARDLY qualify that as a "time frame".

This whole entry is going to degenerate very quickly into an all out rant about the newest objects of my unadulterated hatred (the u of e library, DHL Parcel Service, the kid whose alarm clock has been going off for upwards of 8 hours, Canada, West Virginia and Florida--some things never change), so I think it's probably time I ended this thing. Maybe this will be both my first, and my last entry--I guess only time will tell. But if you are going to be sitting at your desk with baited breath waiting for my next entry, I feel like it's maybe time you got some new hobbies. Read more