Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and...Lady Edith?

Time to check in on those crazy kids at Downton Abbey again.  You got your glass of $9 wine ready? Me too! Let's go. 

WHY ARE WE OPENING ON THE ANNA/BATES STORYLINE.  I really cannot begin to tell you how TIRED OF THIS I AM. Will someone shank this guy already? Also, Anna - THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR MARRYING A GUY IN PRISON. Didn't you ever watch Prison Wives on the Discovery Channel? I did. I know all about what it's like having a boo in jail.  Like, sometimes you're not going to get letters from him. And then you go to visit him at the Federal Penitentiary in Pollock, Louisiana, and he's all like, "sorry baby, i've been busy" and you're all like, "with what? you have nothing better to do than to write me letters. Plus, look at me! I have blonde hair, My car is a 2001 sedan, and I can pass a criminal background check. I'm the total package."  And he's all like, "Candi's been teaching me how to do stenography so I can get my credits for secretary school" and you're all like, "WHO THE F*CK IS CA..."

 I'm sorry. I've digressed. 

OMG Y'ALL. SOMEONE JUST SAID THE WORD 'PROSTITUTE' ON THE GROUNDS OF DOWNTON ABBEY. 

Look at Lady Edith - up and about being a useful spinster at breakfast. I'm with Matthew. I would be eating my breakfast in bed, laptop propped up, watching the same 7 episodes of arrested development over and over again.  Additionally, if I were Lady Edith, I would just totally let myself go. Not brush my hair, start wearing some poorly fitting Lady Sybill pant ensembles, start making inappropriate comments to the footmen, day drinking. Now that I think about it...this is basically what I do now. 

Maybe I'm just in a seriously weird place, but if I had a man like Matthew Crawley, I would not be able to take my hands off of him. Look at his hair! Just want to run my fingers through it all day long. I know. My obsession with Matthew Crawley's hair is creepy.  Whatever. It's my life, I do what I want (said in a Cartman voice).    

Oh man is Maggie Smith such a typical grandmother OR WHAT. Here comes Lady Edith, just having been left at the alter by a 70yr old man, and instead of building her up, she tells her that she is of "reasonable ability" and to "stop whining." It seems as though the writers of Downton Abbey have been reading old Emory Law commencement speeches.  

While the writers waste my time trying to make me feel sorry for Anna, the Inmate's Wife, I am going to take this moment and eat this 6 day old fortune cookie that has been lying around my apartment. "Cleverness is serviceable for everything, sufficient for nothing." Well that strikes like a dagger at my heart. It reminds me of  when my 11th grade english teacher told me my writing was like "icing with no cake." Loudly.  In front of my whole class.  At the time, I started crying a little bit and had to excuse myself to go to the abu-ghraib style bathrooms at my school. But now, if ever I were to run into that woman, I would tell her, "Thank you, because the icing is the best part. And I would know, because I just ate an entire can of it.  With a knife. Because all my spoons were dirty and I didn't feel like washing them." 

Blah blah blah Bates storyline that no one cares about. Blah blah Anna hasn't given up on Bates. Blah Blah stop talking and keep sewing those potato sacks. 

Just as I was speaking of spoons! Conan O'Brien the footman knows the names of all of them! And Thomas does not like it one. bit. at. all. By the way: who is eating boullion by the spoon?? 

Dear Lady Crawley: Ethel does not want to be a part of your reality show "Lady Crawley Teaches Prostitutes How to Sew (and other assorted skills Rich People think will help Poor People raise themselves out of poverty)"

OOHH DRAMATIC MUSIC. PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND IN THE RAIN. SYBILL IS MAKING STRANGE PHONE CALLS AND LADY EDITH IS TOO STUPID TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE MEANS. But, no time for that.  Dinner is served.  

When did we stop calling him Branson and start calling him Tom? We already have one Thomas. It is just getting too confusing.  But anyways - Branson, has arrived! Wet! Without Lady Sybill! 

Question: Wasn't Branson like, 17, when he and Lady Sybill got married? Suddenly he looks older than Bates. Also what has he been doing in Ireland to support himself? I wish the writers would have given us a couple of scenes of what Lady Sybill and Branson's life was like in Ireland. Then maybe we would have cared a little about the fact that they are now never to return to Dublin.  

Well HELLO new footman. What a cutie he is.  The new footman sort of reminds me of a young Castle. You know, that tv show that only retirees from flyover states watch on CBS.  

And with that bit of frivolity, we must now have a serious scene where Ethel the former housekeeper slash current prostitute gives up her son to his rich grandparents.  I think I'll fast forward.  

Every time I see London Towers with Bates I literally throw my remote control at the television. AND I LOVE TV SHOWS ABOUT JAIL. Like, my ideal 2nd date is watching a little Lockup: Raw and Uncut with a guy who is not weirded out by it.  Writers, this should tell you how TERRIBLE THIS STORYLINE IS.  

Okay i'm tearing up a little bit with this scene between Ethel and her son outside of the car. But then again, I did recently scratch my cornea, and I'm refusing to wear my eye-patch, so that might have something to do with it as well.  

Daisy asking her sham-wedding husband's father for love advice is about as ill-advised as me....asking my dad for love advice.  The last piece of romantic advice my dad gave me was this: "cook him a casserole dish and make sure you put the paints on your face all nice." 

The new footman appears to be in a state of undress. Please excuse me while I pause the tv, pour myself another glass of $9 Rouses wine, put my dvr on slow motion mode, and light up a (metaphorical) cigarette.  

If I could, I would have taken Bates' letters and burned them in front of him. I am just SO SICK OF HIM. 

LADY EDITH GOT PUBLISHED.  Although, how much of her new found feminism is a result of being stood up and looking for something to do. It's like "Well, I REALLY want to be a wife and run a home, but...in the alternative, I can try out this, 'women should have rights too' thing. It might make for a good laugh"  But you KNOW if Sir AnTony came back and was like, "I made a terrible mistake - will you take me back?" You know she'd push Susan B Anthony to the ground in a rush to jump into his open and loving (good) arm. Singular.  

Wait, is this episode seriously ending with Bates and Anna reading each others letters and crying? 

Well that was a thoroughly disappointing episode. Unless the writers' goal was to write something that would cause me to want to go into my bathroom and scratch my OTHER cornea. In which case, job well done.