....And then I went to Pure Barre

Have we all heard of Pure Barre? For those who haven't, it is an exercise class which is all the rage amongst the women of the upper middle class.  At an astounding $25 a class, it is not something I would ever do. But, the first class is free. And we all know how much I love free things. Especially food samples. But, I can get behind free exercise classes too. So when a friend invited me to go with her, I agreed.


I walk into the classroom, and I am immediately confronted with a sea of thin sorority girls wearing matching leggings, t-shirts, and pure barre (trademarked, I'm sure) socks. Me? I showed up in a pair of MC Hammer style sweat pants, a t-shirt with bleach stains on it, and no socks. I turn to the lady who is checking people in and I say, "Oh was I meant to wear socks? I thought this was like yoga/pilates." She gives me a judgmental up and down look and says, "We have a Pure Barre socks for sale for $15." I immediately laugh and say, "well I am here for a free first class, so buying the socks would defeat the purpose of coming to a free class, don't you think?" She continues to glare at me.  I stare at her awkwardly for a few minutes before I decide to put my things in the locker room.

When I make my way back into the classroom, I  survey the scene to decide which person I am going to stand next to for the next hour. I spot the Other Overweight Woman("OOW") and say, "ah. my people."  I grab the spot near her.  The music begins.

I am immediately transported to the lobby of a W hotel, as that is apparently where Pure Barre gets its soundtrack from. I turn to OOW and say, "Wish we had some Rihanna playing up in here...amiright??" She turns to me and says, "this is the warm-up." I roll my eyes.

As the workout progresses, I become immediately confused, because it doesn't seem like we are working out...at all. Granted, I am sweating like a suckling pig, but that is no surprise considering I am wearing 80lbs in sweater material on my body, and Pure Barre apparently doesn't believe in air conditioning. But as I look around, NO ONE IS MOVING. Or like, they are moving, but very, very little. AND BEFORE THE PURE BARRE APOLOGISTS START JUMPING ALL OVER ME, I realize that is the "point" of the exercise.  Little movements, big impact. But, when someone has a more than a couple of lbs to lose, I can't help but feel like crunching one's arms .5cm is going to do anything. Isn't it just sort of like rearranging deck chairs on the titanic?

Well, I am a team player, so I throw myself into the exercise and really give it the old college try. It doesn't take any time for the diminutive former saintsation (if I had to guess her Pre- Pure Barre profession) to march over and immediately start correcting my form. Apparently I was moving too much. God help us. Someone is moving their body too much in an exercise class.

After about 20 minutes of this mess, I decide to test out a hypothesis. I do not move my body AT ALL. Sure, I would get in the pose, but when the mouseketeer began chirping, "press, release, press, release, press, release," I wouldn't move. I'd just stand there like a statue.  And would you believe, the instructor walked right over to me and gave me a thumbs up on how well I was doing. So, for those who are wondering, the secret to Pure Barre success is to actually not move at all. 

Another twenty minutes of club trance mix passes, and I begin to wonder if the end of this exercise in futility is close. So I turn to OOW and say, "what else left is there to do?" She turns to be, touches her stomach and says, "suck in your core." I think to myself, "surely I misheard her." So I repeat my question another way, "when do we start winding down?" She looks back me again and says, "You need to suck in your core. Your abdomen. To get a tight stomach."

At this point I flashed. "Oh HELL NO.. Just because you have yourself $203 dollars in Pure Barre Socks, have paid god knows how much for Pure Barre classes, and are wearing a pair of ill-fitting leggings,  you think you can tell me about what I need to do to get a tight stomach? No Ma'am"

.....is what I said to her in my head.  But out loud I say, "thank you. I would like a tighter stomach."

All of the sudden Saintsation Cindi (as I imagine her name to be ending with an 'i') turns off the lights.  Oh good, I think to myself. The moment i've been waiting for 2 minutes after the class started: cool down.  WRONG! As it turns out, in Pure Barre land, the turning off of the lights indicates that it is time for all of us women to lie on our backs and thrust our pelvises in the air over and over again.  With the lights off.

Now, perhaps she turned the lights off so women wouldn't feel so self conscious about thrusting their crotch into the air in front of the LARGE WINDOWS FACING MAGAZINE STREET. But, fyi, ladies - even with the lights off, people can still see in.

As I was sweaty, tired, and mad at the OOW for not having my back like she should have (birds of a feather need to fly together, after all), I decided that I was going to lie there in protest of Pure Barre's subliminal message that women need to get in shape to get ready to lie on their back.

For a workout where only 3 minutes were spent on the arms, the pelvic thrust portion seemed to go on for an eternity.  Finally, the class is over.

As I walked to the back, I found my tote bags belongings strewn about the "locker room." My friend who had cajoled me into trying this class turned to me and said, "you can't put your stuff where you put it!! That is the wrong cubby. You put your bag in the cubby meant for the weights" But of course. So, I picked up the disparate pieces of my worldly possessions, (along with my pride), and I went home.