New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year, dear readers! In addition to having all of the usual and normal resolutions (lose 40lbs, work out 7 days a week, become hot looking), I have some more...specific resolutions to try and curtail the downward spiral my life has been taking as of late. Here they are:



Resolution No 1: Stop eating in bed
This is something that has become a more increasing priority in my life after getting a new comforter for Christmas. I really can't tell you *why* I eat in bed so often. It's not to avoid a roommate (I live alone). It's also not because I want to eat in front of a tv (I have a tv in both my bedroom and my living room). It's not because my bedroom is closer to my kitchen than my living room is (it is equidistant). YET I DO IT ALL THE TIME. And it's really becoming a problem. I've had to throw out several sets of sheets because I've spilled red wine, figs, jam or compote (which I put over my different brie selections) on them. It also is universely known to be terribly unhealthy.  Also, I seem to be psychologically impeding my dating attempts with the eating in bed -- there's just not enough room with me and my cheese plate for a third person. The last man who was in my bed told me, "your sheets are low thread count." And he was right, because I had just purchased a cheap-o set of sheets because I had spilled cough syrup on mine.  Then he and his ex-boyfriend fell asleep on my bed while I slept on an air mattress in my kitchen.

Resolution No. 2: Stop eating cheese at home
If I want to eat cheese, I'm going to have to start leaving my house and engaging with society to do it. This will help me in 2 ways: 1) I am cheap, so I will invariably eat less cheese because of the mark up and 2) I will stop being such a freaking hermit. See, right now, I really don't ever need to leave my house because at Casa Du Layne the cheese is always in multiple oz blocks and the wine is always flowing.

Resolution No. 3: Stop eating cheese fries
WHAT EVIL HUMAN BEING THOUGHT THESE UP. I know what's a great idea! After consuming 1,400 calories in alcohol in a night, lets just go ahead and chow down on some 3,000 calorie cheese fries. And then, the cheese fries don't make me any less hungover the next day, at which point I consume 4000 calories in popeyes to "recover." So, in 2013, I'm going to start packing Luna bars in my purse. Also, this one time, when I was on food stamps after Katrina, my friends and I bought, like, 500 luna bars for a trip to London, and I don't ever remember being hungover, despite all the drinking we did. So maybe they are magic. Or maybe I was just 7 years younger. Either way, its worth a try.

Resolution No. 4: Start eating vegetables
I just did an index of all the food I ate this week, and I realized that i've gotten 90% of my vegetables from: Bloody Marys.  Woops.  My bad.

Resolution No. 5: Only watch one TV episode at a time
I find myself watching, like, 10 episodes of any one particular tv show at a time these days. Maybe because I am a hermit (See Resol. No. 2), so I need to find things to do to fill my day after I "work out" for the requisite 20 minutes as mandated by her first lady Michelle Obama and those NFL players on that commercial with the bus.  But I am starting to think that at some point I am literally going to run out of television.  After I finish watching Locked Up Abroad (which, for those who are wondering, is nowhere near as good as Lockup: Raw - Chino State Penitentiary or Lockup: Uncut - San Quintin), I will have nothing else to watch.  So, I need to pace myself.

Resolution No. 6: Stop Facebook Stalking People 
Ha. Who am I kidding. I am never going to stop doing that.

Resolution No. 6: Start Lying About My Age
Is there really any reason to tell the truth about this? I would like to continue being 28 for the next...4 or so years. And I think I could pass for it at least as long as I have my current hairstyle.  Here's the thing:  I've been doing some polling out in social settings where I tell people I am 29, and their eyes get really wide.  And don't even get me started about what's going to happen when I turn 30.  You guys don't understand. It's just a really different place down in the south.  Being 29/30 in the south as a woman is like being 32 in Chicago, 35 in DC, and 37 in New York.

Well,  that's all I got. Because obviously other than those few little corrections, my life is pretty much as together as it could be  ....she says as she wears a summer sun dress as a nightgown while eating peanut butter slathered french bread as "dessert."