......And then Lady Edith's Wedding Ruined My Night.

I'm three glasses of wine and a couple of  day-old Pork Carnitas Tacos down for the count already. Let's do this Wedding, Lady Edith.

"Something happening in this house is about me," .....and thus, Lady Edith's long anticipated march down the aisle to a octogenarian begins.  

Miss O'Brien and her gangly and her tall boy companion Conan make such awkward bedfellows.  When did O'Brien and Thomas become such enemies? I thought they were united in both being members of the service staff who weren't necessarily....heterosexual? (maybe I'm reading O'Brien wrong) When did they start to hate each other? 

Oh HELL NO I am not about to watch a show called "Downton Place." Also, why do you have to take a picnic there to check out the place? Can't you just drive there and walk around. YOU ARE POOR NOW.  How much money does taking a picnic cost you? 

I'm going to start playing a drinking game. It's called, "drink every time Lady Mary and Matthew fight about dead reggie swire's money saving downton abbey whilst they are changing clothes and or putting on jewels." 

Oh boy.  Looks like Daisy has a crush on Conan O'Brien.  I don't get Daisy. She was basically married to a guy who looked and acted exactly like him (that one who died, if we all remember from the Season Which Shall Not Be Named ...(2)). And she didn't want anything of it. Now she's ALL OVER this one. I think she likes what she can't have.  As soon as this one likes her, she is going to go off crying to Miss Padmore about how she doesn't like him, and she doesn't want to lead him on, all the while leading him on.  I hate girls like this -- ensnaring all of the eligible bachelors for themselves, and leaving the rest of us with Mosely. Also, Daisy is like 4'11. Can't she go after a guy her own size?? Some of us are a little bigger and need a tall strapping guy so we don't look like Brienne (that tall female knight) from Game of Thrones next to our boyfriends. STOP TALKING ALL OF THE ELIGIBLE TALL FOOTMEN. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.  

Oh god.  This scene at the dinner table with Branson, Matthew and Sir AnTony is literally like my worst nightmare realized.  You see, I have two very good friends (L&A) who we spend every Christmas with,  and who have two very nice, funny, normal husbands. My number one first impression criteria when I meet a guy is: will he get along with their husbands. Because I am literally in fear that Christmas will be like: Matt and Ryan playing a little b-ball in the backyard while my husband: sits inside and picks at his scabs.  Or, Matt and Ryan are watching the football game while my husband: is playing call of duty with a 12 year old boy named Hiro from Japan.  Or, Matt and Ryan are helping bbq outside while my husband is: pushing his intestines around his abdomen and groaning a la Ignatius J. Reilly. Which is basically what is happening right now at this dinner table at Downton Abbey. Branson and Matthew are going to play Billiards and Sir AnTony is: going to catch his breath right quick and talk about the estate tax with the other old people.  

Oh shit y'all! Cue the porn music because Lady Edith just asked to have an alone moment with her man!!!  Bom chik-a-wow-wow!! Oh wait.  Nope. Nevermind.  They started talking about his inevitable wheelchair.  New drinking game! Drink every time someone says the word "wheelchair." 

Ah welcome to The Lady Crawley Teaches Prostitutes How to Sew (and other assorted skills Rich People think will help Poor People raise themselves out of poverty) segment of the show.  

I just passed out a little bit and woke up and found myself watching Driving Miss Daisy. But then I came to and realized Miss Daisy was actually Sir AnTony.  

Okay - Downton Place looks BIG AS HELL.  I don't know what all of this complaining is about.  

How convenient.  Matthew is about to get a letter from Reggie Swire, which WE ALL KNOW is going to say, "I know you were two-timing my ugly ginge daughter while she had the Spanish Flu but I want you to have this money regardless." I mean, really, writers. Sloppy. 

I fell asleep again and appear to have woken up and started watching Locked Up: People Nobody Cares About. Can any of you tell me that you tune into Downton Abbey to see what will happen with Mr. Bates' case? No. We tune in to see Maggie Smith, and to fantasize about running our hands through Matthew Crawley's hair. Can someone call Barry Scheck and get him/The Innocence Project on Mr. Bates' case already? I'm tired of hearing about it.  

WHY ARE WE STILL WASTING TIME WITH THIS LEBRON MISS O'BRIEN JAMES LEAVING DOWNTON RUMOR.  I want this whole episode to just fast forward 3 days to Lady Edith and Sir AnTony's wedding night, when they are lying in two twin beds, side by side, wearing full cloth mormon style pantaloons, holding Sir AnTony's good hand. 

Oh look. Lady Mary and Matthew are arguing in formal clothes about this G-D MONEY. Matthew - aren't you a LAWYER? Like, can't you just put the money into some sort of LLC, then loan the money out to Downton Abbey, with interest, then once Lord Grantham pays it back, you can give the money to Lady Crowley's School to Teach Prostitutes How to Sew(and other assorted skills Rich People think will help Poor People raise themselves out of poverty)?? I feel like there are a lot of ways to make yourself feel better about it. 

Of course. Here we are. The Letter Saves them!! But we still have another 30 minutes left in this episode so they are just going to go ahead and drag it out. 

Mrs. Hughes and Carson.  Aww.  

"[She]'s starting out her life as some old man's drudge" .....is a phrase you would NEVER hear my mother say.  She would be like, "PRAISE THE LORD! There is this 60 year old man, and for some unknown ungodly reason, he wants my daughter, and he's got a good arm, a drawing room AND a car! GOD IS GOOD. Let's get her down the aisle before he wises up." 

Raise your hand if you think Lady Mary *kind of* wanted to steal Edith's thunder and go into the church and yell out to the family, "DOWNTON IS SAVED!" Wouldn't put it past her. And that's why I love her.  

Okay I sort of love the music Lady Edith is walking down the aisle too. Will have to remember to pin that one to my private "My Wedding To [Enter Russian Immigrant Name Here]" board on pinterest.  

Yikes Sir AnTony looks like he is about to have a prostate exam, amiright gentleman?? Oh wait. That's right.  No men read this blog, save for my dad that one time he got confused and thought it was the section of  craigslist dedicated to unimproved hunting land in Picayune, Mississippi.   

No really. Is Sir AnTony about to vomit on Lady Edith's face? 

WAIT. PAUSE. HOLD THE BOAT. I AM BOTH ELECTRIFIED AND HORRIFIED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. IS SIR ANTONY A RUNAWAY BRIDE. 

"AnTony - it is too late for this." Damn right it is, Lord Grantham. Here's a question: what would be worse? To marry a man who is a quarter of a century too old for you, or to be jilted at the altar by a man who is a quarter of a century too old for you? 

Also, couldn't this conversation been had, like, away from the center of the aisle? If I am Lord AnTony --- I am saying, "My Darling Edith, please walk with me to the back of the church such that I might mitigate the embarrassment I am about to rain down upon you and your cursed family." 

I've never seen Lord AnTony move so quickly! He's like a young man of 45 once again.  

Let's play the game called, "If you were just jilted at the altar by your 65yr old fiance, what is the first thing you would do." 1) I would go ahead and rip that bottle of champers out of Conan O'Brien the Footman's hand. 2) I would then get Branson to drive me out to Lord AnTony's house, where I would proceed to firebomb it.  3) I would then proceed to eat the entire top of the wedding cake.  

How did Lady Edith's hair go from Wedding to Hunger Games Tribute in, like, 2 minutes.  All she did was run home and throw herself into bed. It looks like she has just come out of the Death Arena.  

Lady Edith's life might be in shambles, but Yay! Downton Abbey is saved! We don't have to suffer through the indignity of Downton Place! 

Too many scenes with the Richies, so its time for us to check in on the poors. One girl's loss is an entire service staff's gain! They get to eat all the wedding food, which, because they are poor, they don't quite understand, and Conan O'Brien the footman just wants some cheese.  Be still my beating heart, I think I am in love.  

I don't know if any line in any tv show has ever quite struck me in the gut quite like this one from Lady Edith, "I'm a useful spinster. Good at helping out. That is my role. And spinsters get up for breakfast." Oh god. That's me! I'm a useful spinster too, good at helping out (marginally).  Except I don't get up for breakfast.  Brunch -- maaaayyybbbeee, if there is a bloody mary bar in the mix.  

Aww. Caron and Mrs. Hughes.  A good way to end an episode which might otherwise have caused me to swallow an entire bottle of Nyquil.  

But seriously.  Just when I had hope that Downton Abbey was going to give me hope that, if Lady Edith somehow managed to find love, I might too.... Thanks Andrew Davies! Now my spirit is dead. But you know who isn't dead yet? This unwanted and unvaccinated cat I just found on the SCPA website.  Mayhaps I will adopt him. And I will name him Sir AnTony.