Single Girl Habits

So, when you're single and you live alone...it's safe to say that you engage in certain habits you might not engage in if you lived with someone.  When single men do weird things in their apartment, we call it, "being a bachelor" or "being a ladies man" or "such a frat boy." But when women engage in these habits, we say, "that is sad" or (as my mother said one mardi gras), "don't do that because nobody likes a drunk girl." THIS IS BLASPHEMOUS AND SEXIST. No more will I lie about what I do at night.  No more will I cower and hide about my habits at home.  Time to take a stand. 

I watch TV on my laptop while lying in bed: 

Yes, I have a TV hanging in my bedroom (thanks REDACTED, for being rich and allowing me to scavenge this out of your dumpster that one time I hid outside of your apartment building when you were moving). It still doesn't matter. I love to watch tv on my laptop. It is so intimate. It's like my own personal IMAX screen. And, more than that, A LOT of women I know *also* watch tv on their laptop while it sits on their bed. But it's, like, this dirty secret. No one talks about it. People pretend like they place the laptop across the room on a bedside table, or, even more unbelievable, on a tv stand in front of the bed like its a real tv. FALSE.  Why do we all hide this? Is it because of that terrible urban legend that was promulgated a couple of years ago as a single lady cautionary tale? (person gets set on fire by laptop overheating and causing mattress to blow up in flames). Guess what? I have an indented area in my mattress in the shape of a laptop.  And I'm damn proud.  Plus, I feel like its a litmus test for a mate -- "are you more entertaining to me than my 5yr old macbook pro queued up to play Arrested Development? Yes, you can stay. No, you can go, and i'll risk dying in a fiery death thank you very much." 

I drink wine alone while watching Bravo and/or Showtime Television Programming

I really don't think this makes me have a problem. It's just one glass (..or 2, or 3). And it's only when I watch tv. And its red wine...so...its heart healthy. Why do I have to hide this? When men drink alone it makes them Don Draper. When women drink alone it makes them Lindsay Lohan or Anna Nicole Smith. One of the (many) unfair double standards we impose upon women. 

I talk back to my TV when I'm alone

Actually...I don't know how to justify this one, other than to say "See Above Point." Because otherwise, it makes me look a little crazy. But we all have to agree, Nancy Grace is horrible and needs a talking to sometimes.  

I listen to the same songs over, and over, and over again. Sometimes 20 times in a night

This is a habit I picked up from my best friend from college who shall remain nameless, although she knows who she is. I used to eviscerate her for listening to the same song over and over again.  But then, 5 years later, I caught myself listening to Robyn "Dancing on my Own" 20 times in one night. You know what? SO FREAKING WHAT. So what if my 22 year old neighbor (...who is thin and has an ugly live-in hippy boyfriend with a ponytail and runs 20 miles a day) refers to me as, "that psycho across the hall who only listens to robyn on repeat and let the plant in our entryway die." I could care less.  And if any future roommate of mine has a problem with that, he can either get some earplugs or go live in the entryway with the dead fern as far as i'm concerned. 

I eat dinners that are in no way balanced or healthy

You know what I don't abide by? The US department of agriculture food pyramid. I have 3 food groups: cheese, crackers, deli meats. Sometimes deli meats are substituted for gourmet dips.  It depends on how festive i'm feeling. So WHO ARE THESE WOMEN WHO ARE COOKING WHOLE GRAIN BROWN RICE AND VEGETABLES LIKE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AT HOME. Clearly someone who doesn't want their roommate to judge their food choices. No sir. Not me. Like the Spice Girls song says, "If you wanna be my lover"....you gotta get behind my selection of spreadable Whole Foods cheeses for dinner.   

Okay. I'm done now. If you'll excuse me, I have a Jimmy Dean De-Lite breakfast sandwich I need to be heating up for dinner (at 12:10am).