...And then my Dad set me up on a date.

So, on my own version of, "the 12 days of Christmas," I have been counting down all the very best dates I've ever been on. In tonight's edition, I will recount the time that my dad set me up.  


Now, before I hear the protestations of, "Wait, you let your Dad set you up??" Let me be very clear: I didn't realize what my dad was doing until it was too late. Yes. You read that correctly.  My father, who cannot order frozen yogurt, or conduct a phone conversation...bamboozled me into going on a date with his Insurance salesman.

I have a lot of hobbies: tv, eating cheese, watching tv while eating cheese, sitting in my apartment alone in the dark watching tv and eating cheese, and the list goes on and on. But another one of my hobbies is: free things -- free samples, free happy hours, free parties, free red bulls on the street, free street food. So, when my dad called me to tell me, "I have a free ticket to a Hornets game," I jumped at the chance.  Of course, I asked him if he had another ticket such that I might bring a friend with me, but my dad sadly informed me that he only got 1 ticket. But i'm an uncommon woman! I do 90% of my daily activities alone...so, going to a basketball game alone in the middle of the week didn't seem so crazy to me.  My dad tells me I should go over to my parents' parking lot right now to park, and he will meet me there to give me my free ticket.

Well imagine my surprise when I arrive at their parking lot to find that my dad is NOT alone.  He is with Diego.  Diego is 40 years old, and has known my father for MANY years, handling my parents property insurance. There were two things I knew about Diego: 1) he still lived with his parents (again, he is 40 years old), and 2) he had been asking my parents if he could meet me since I was 18 years old.  In case you are wondering, without going into much detail: yes, he had the appearance of an adult male who lived with his parents who had no problem asking his clients if he could meet their high school senior daughter.

As I walk up, I feign a pleasant smile while giving my dad, "WTF" eyes.  My dad could not have looked more jubilant.

Dad: "Layne! You remember Diego, right?"
Layne: "Well, I don't remember him, because I've never met him...but yes, hello Diego."
Dad: "He's the one with the free hornets ticket!"
Layne: "I gathered that. Dad, could I speak to you for a moment?"

I pull my father aside and begin furiously whispering to him.
Layne: "DAD WTF ARE YOU DOING. YOU TOLD ME IT WAS JUST A LONE TICKET"
Dad: "No I didnt? I told you that you were going to go with Diego, didn't I?"
Layne: "DAD I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT."
Dad: "Come on...give it a shot." At this point, my dad pauses and his voice gets very quiet and his eyes start to get really devious looking, "plus. he's got A LOT of money."
Layne: "...BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS"
Dad: "Yes. In St. Bernard Parish. Very little property tax.  He's a smart guy." Then there is another long pause, and the truth finally comes out, "Plus, I think he might be able to get me into a Hunting Club with some Puerto Ricans"

I realize there is no denying destiny, and that Diego and I were going on this date hook or crook.  I say goodbye to my father, and Diego and I begin to walk towards the arena.

Sensing that something in this situation needed to drastically change, Diego decides to attempt a tried and true tactic taken by many a man in the courtship process. So, as we are walking down the street, he gives me a beer.  A beer he pulled from the pocket. Of his Cargo pants.  I try to drink it, but it was warm...and the thought of drinking a warm beer that has been nestled next to Diego's thigh in his cargo pant was just too much - which is really saying something for someone who has literally never turned down a free item in her life.

We begin to talk about the usual first date topics: family, education, etc. He asks me what sort of law I am interested in practicing, and I mention how I had done a lot of death penalty work.  I guess when I told Diego "death penalty work" he assumed it meant I was working to sentence people to death.  He then gets really excited, and tells me his very elaborate plan to overhaul the criminal justice system, by reinstating the firing squad. Except in his world, the firing squad is manned by family members of the victim.  After about 6 minutes of his hurried and excited talking, I decide to break the news to him and I say, "No - I've been working to ABOLISH the death penalty." Diego has a blank look on his face, and I immediately realize my mistake - "I'm sorry - i mean to say, I'm working to GET RID of the death penalty." Finally understanding me, Diego's face gets deadly furious looking, and he very seriously asks me, "What. Are you a communist or something?" My, how proud Karl Marx would have been at that very moment.

We finally arrive to the arena just in the nick of time. I am able to dispose of my full warm Michelob Lite and we walk in. Diego has noticed I am without a drink, and before we even begin to walk to our seat inside the Arena, he has purchased me a new drink. It is safe to say that Diego purchased me a drink every 4 minutes.  By the end of the basketball game, I had literally squirreled away 6 unopened beers underneath my seat.

After tackling death penalty, we moved onto another completely appropriate first date topic: planned parenthood. Except Diego called it, "Parenting Planning." A distinction I was sure to correct him on every time he said it.

Diego: "The thing that is so terrible about Parenting Planning...
Layne: (interrupting) planned parenthood
Diego: "...is that its MY HARD EARNED MONEY that Parenting Planning..."
Layne: ( interrupting) "again, its called planned parenthood.."
Diego: "...that they are using to kill the innocent babies"

And it sort of spiraled downwards from there.

Yet somehow, after all of this, Diego was still on Team Layne.

Diego: "So...what are we doing after this game?"
Layne: "Well, thank you SO MUCH for the ticket, and the...26...beers you purchased me, but I actually should probably get home because I am driving back to school to Atlanta tomorrow..but thank yo.."
Diego: "How long a ride is that?"
Layne: "Like, 8hours"
Diego: (visibly doing math on the fingers on his hand), so you can leave new orleans at like...3, 4pm tomorrow?"
Layne: "Um, what are thinking we are going to be doing after this such that I am not going to be leaving the city of New Orleans until 4pm tomorrow??"
Diego: (winks)
Layne: (trying not to vomit her arena beer), "I'm actually hoping to leave New Orleans at 8am tomorrow. And I need to pack. But thank you again for thinking of me. I had a very pleasant time."

Now, here's a little tip to those novice daters out there: don't end a date to a sporting event before the start of the 4th quarter.  WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THAT EARLIER.  After enduring the ending of the game and the walk back to the parking lot in almost total and complete silence, I thank Diego again for the ticket. After being so summarily shut down, Diego could only muster a half hug and jumped into his PT Cruiser. In a moment that could only be described as cinematic, Diego slowly rolled down the driver's side window, stuck his head out and yelled out, "I'll catch ya later." He then turned up the volume on his car stereo, and slowly drove away, the melodious sound of the song playing on his stereo (Miley Cyrus, "Party in the USA," for those who had any question) lingering in the air.