One night, after a particularly rough day, I decided to get about 19 ounces of frozen yogurt to drown my sorrows. My car needed, like, $600 of work, which I could not afford at the time, so I was driving my mother's mini van. As I am driving (while also simultaneously smashing my face in frozen yogurt), I see the dreaded blue lights in my rear-view mirror. I curse for like 10 minutes, slam my hands into the steering wheel (causing the car to honk), and eventually pull over.
The cop slowly walks up to the window of my car. As soon as he gets there, he tells me that I have approximately $500 worth of violations on my car. I yell out, "BUT ITS MY MOMS CAR. ITS NOT EVEN MINE. I CAN'T AFFORD A TICKET RIGHT NOW. This, for whatever reason, sets him off and he immediately demands my license to run my name to see if I had any outstanding warrants. While he is back in his car running my name, the totality of the circumstances of my life as a whole starts to weigh on me, and I begin to sob. Like...can't-breathe-I-am-crying-so-hard sob.
The Police Officer walks back up to the car holding the ticket tablet, when he sees me there, having a mid life crisis. He asks me, "why are you crying?" And I literally begin to unload on him. I tell him EVERYTHING. About my car needing work that I can't afford, about how I'd been eating split pea soup for 2 weeks because I was so poor, about my fears of crippling loneliness, about how I should have never gone to law school, about my parents pressuring me to get married, about the saints, how much debt i'm in, about how i once cried during edward scissorhands. Literally, EVERYTHING. And I'm here to tell you - I am not a pretty crier. I look like Here Comes Honeybooboo's mom when I cry. Anyways, not to make a long story even longer, 45 minutes pass, I end up giving him my number, and NOT getting a ticket.
Okay -- now that we've got that back story out of the way, lets get to the date.
We decide to meet at a bar known for its craft beer selection(my choice). I start to question my selection of place as soon as I see the the look of confusion wave across his face as soon as he starts looking at the beer taps. We approach the bar.
We decide to meet at a bar known for its craft beer selection(my choice). I start to question my selection of place as soon as I see the the look of confusion wave across his face as soon as he starts looking at the beer taps. We approach the bar.
Cop: Do you have bud?
Bartender: No
Cop: Bud Light?
Bartender: No
Cop: What about Miller
Bartender: No
Cop: Miller Light?
Bartender: No.
Cop: What Beers that I have heard of do you carry?
Bartender: Guinness?
Cop: You have Natty Light?
Bartender: No.
Cop: I guess I'll have a Michelob
Bartender: We don't have that either.
Layne: You know they have, like, a beer list you can look at?
C: I guess I'll take a Guinness.
So things were already starting off swimmingly. It was at this point that I decided to eschew the normally first date topics (family, work, weather, sports) and go with a new set of topics: marijuana laws, murders, security details, guns, department of justice consent decrees, etc. I also immediately adopted my cross-examination mode of conversation, because if his attempt to order a beer was any indication, he needed to be led. Example:
Layne: "Are you good at shooting guns?"
Cop: "I don't know"
Layne: "Okay - let's try this another way. Do you have to take shooting tests for the NOPD"
Cop: "Yes"
Layne: "And what is the minimum score you need to get on the test."
Cop: "96"
Layne: "Okay. And what did you score on your last test"
Cop: "Like a 115"
Layne: " Now what is the maximum score"
Cop: "120"
Layne: "115 is closer to 120 than to 96, correct"
Cop: "I guess so"
Layne: "So you're pretty good at it."
Cop: "I guess that would be fair to say."
One criticism I have heard from people is that I am obsessed with education. Probably because I have nothing else to hang my hat on but my diplomas. But in order to be a better date, I have tried to minimize this somewhat terrible quality of mine. However, this night...I couldn't help myself.
Cop: "If I had to practice any type of law, it would be admiralty law. Or I would want to be a sports agent."
Layne: "Maybe you should go to law school"
Cop: "I don't even have my bachelors degree"
Layne: "On that subject.how many credits away are you from obtaining your Bachelor's Degree"
Cop: "Gosh I don't know. Why are you asking me that"
Layne: "Curious. Are we talking, like, 4 credits, or 40 credits?"
Cop: "Do you get 10 credits a year? Or is it like 1 credit per class? Do you need 40 to graduate?"
Layne: "Nevermind."
Now, normally on a date, I try to keep my hippy leftist views on drug sentencing laws to myself, but, as they say...When in Rome. So, when on a date with a cop, start talking about marijuana laws.
Layne: I just think marijuana laws are absolutely ridiculous and a waste of everyone's time.
Cop: "I mean, you keep saying, 'ohh its not a big deal, why do you search people if you smell marijuana, that's not a big deal' but what if I were to stop someone, smell marijuana, then I search their car and find a severed head in the back seat. That would be pretty interesting, huh?"
Layne: "That has never happened to you."
Cop: "No, but it would be pretty interesting."
Layne: (confused look)
Cop: "I mean, you say, why not legalize marijuana, but how is that going to help drug addicts overcome their addiction"
Layne: "Look at it this way -- a serious alcoholic might drink beer, but they'd probably rather be drinking mouthwash. Marijuana won't cut it for serious drug addicts, so that's a non-issue."
Cop: "Uh, if you are drinking mouthwash to get drunk, you got a SERIOUS problem."
Layne: ".....that was the point..."
Cop: "How do you mean?"
Layne: "Nevermind."
One thing that is VERY important to me in a future mate is love of television. I watch a....not insignificant...amount of tv (I consider it professional development for my future career as the next Amy Poehler...or...more realistically, the next over 30yr old living at my parents bed and breakfast waiting for my "big break"). So, yeah, it's important to me that a mate have a TV. But of course, my normal ways of discerning whether a guy likes tv (by saying things like, "My hair is really looking very Carrie Matheson today - wouldn't you agree...?) were CLEARLY not going to work here. The officer did not seem to pick up on my subtlety...which is ironic given the fact that he is tasked with serving, protecting, and reading people to see if they are lying. Anyways - I opted to take a more direct route.
Layne: "Do you own a tv?"
Cop: "Yeah, I own two. I just don't have cable. I just use a metal antenna"
Layne: "what about internet??"
Cop: "No, I don't have that either."
Layne: "why not?"
Cop: "I can use the computer at work"
Layne: "What do you do at night when you come home"
Cop: "Watch DVDs or antenna tv. But actually my DVD player isn't working right now either. Something is messed up. It's a blu ray."
Layne: "What's blu ray like"
Cop: "I wouldn't know, I've never used it."
Layne: "So you have a blue ray dvd player but have never used the blue ray function
Cop: "Yeah. Is that weird?"
Layne: "I mean, its not any weirder than having two tvs but no cable or internet, I guess"
At this point I was like, "surely the police officer has realized how incompatible we are." BUT NO. Even after I had just interrogated him about his lack of cable or internet, he already started planning out second date.
Cop: “We could go to…..Toronto”
Layne: “Like, the geographic location?”
Cop: “It’s a city in Canada.”
Layne: “I am aware. Are you actually suggesting we go on a second date to Toronto?"
Cop: “Yeah. F*ck it. Why not.”
Layne: “Why Toronto?"
Cop: “I don’t know. I heard they have tall buildings. And, like, cultural things. It’s like the Manhattan of Canada.”
Layne: “I don’t know. Are you planning on murdering me? Toronto seems like a good place to dispose of a body.”
Cop: “Huh? Have you ever been to Canada. It’s, like, real clean I heard.”
Layne: “Objection. Non-responsive.
As the night started to wind down to a close, I decided to expedite this train and really throw the game. So I started asking him questions like this:
"How many times would you say you've been to a strip club?"
"Have you ever killed a man?"
"Why did your last relationship end?"
"Have you ever cheated?"
"Do you think you're an ethical cop?"
"Have you ever planted drugs on people?"
"Marry/Boff/Kill: Kim, Kourtney, or Khloe Kardashian?"
YET SOMEHOW, by the end of the evening, after 2hrs of cross examination and ridiculously prying questions no one should ever ask on a first date, he couldn't have been more enamored with me. Go figure.
But having said that, there has not been a second date.
"How many times would you say you've been to a strip club?"
"Have you ever killed a man?"
"Why did your last relationship end?"
"Have you ever cheated?"
"Do you think you're an ethical cop?"
"Have you ever planted drugs on people?"
"Marry/Boff/Kill: Kim, Kourtney, or Khloe Kardashian?"
YET SOMEHOW, by the end of the evening, after 2hrs of cross examination and ridiculously prying questions no one should ever ask on a first date, he couldn't have been more enamored with me. Go figure.
But having said that, there has not been a second date.
No comments:
Post a Comment