Match.com: Redux

So, many moons ago, I offered up my thoughts on (arguably) the most popular online dating website.  I even went so far as to help some of the more hopeless men on how to craft their profiles.  So, when I recently decided to venture back on, I was hoping to see if they heeded my advice.  But men are so typical.  They NEVER learn.  But, I love offering up unsolicited advice. It is one of my top favorite things, along with judging people, and cross examining men I don't know in social situations.  So I've decided to offer up a second batch of profile advice that will surely go unheeded.

Pick Your Photos Wisely

Look, I get it.  We never look as good in real life as we do in our online persona photographs. Black and White color treatment? Flattering cropping? Guilty as charged on all counts.  But at least I try to share a resembelence to the person in the photograph.  Let me tell you what is not a welcome line for a woman to hear on a match.com date, "Oh yeah. My photo was taken back when I was in college, before I grew out my beard and used to cut my hair."  You don't say? I thought I was going out with a nerdy Dean Cain, and here stands before me a homeless Zach Galifinakis. Weird.  Some general guidelines:

Do not post only photos of you with your much more attractive friend.
Like, do you think we're not going to figure this out? You cannot try and bait and switch a woman like that. We know.  We know which person in the photo you are.  Maybe instead of trying to take as many photos as possible with your friend Hot Danny, you should try and edit the solo shots of you that you have to minimize your imperfections.  Might I suggest Sepia tint. 
  
Do not post photos of you hunched next to the rims of your car. 
Surely we all know what these photos look like, right? Here is an example.

This style of photo seems to be especially popular with the over 40 year olds who "wink" at me on match.  The BEST part of these photos is that MOST times, the car their repping is NOT a Maybach.  It's like, a Hyundai Sonata.  What is the point of this? To show me you're established and have a car? Guess what: I am assuming most people on match in New Orleans have cars. In New Orleans, if you really want to impress me, why don't you pose next to your Saints season tickets instead.

Do not include a photo in front of a white screen.
There are SO many guys who have profile photos which look to be, like, passport photos, or photos taken in a middle school gymnasium by Olan Mills.  But let me be honest here: THESE LOOK LIKE MUG SHOTS.  You know what is NOT making me want to read more about you? A photo that looks like it was taken on a perp walk.

Messages

If the profile is meant to be the window to the soul, the message a match.com bachelor sends to his target is the moment where the camera does a close-up.  Some excerpts from my favorites.

"I don't compliment often, but you look like a real nerd, in a cute sort of way." 
Is this a compliment? I would be complimented if an astrophysicist sent me a message telling me I was a cute nerd.  But when Mr. Ed Hardy, whose favorite book is "I am not really a big reader, more interested in video games..." sends me this message...well, yes.  I'm going to take offense.

"Wow! What an educated and witty woman! I've been looking all my life and I finally found you - the woman of my dreams!!LOL" 
SO much happening here.  I always get this varietal of message from, like, a 52yr old divorcee.   Aren't you being a little premature in calling me the woman of your dreams? I wonder what the response rate is for this type of message.  Like, do most women respond positively to this? Because even if I am on the fence about responding to someone based on a profile, a message like this will push me in the exact opposite direction, and maybe prompt me to block them. Also - the elephant in the room: your ex wife? Did you also think her the woman of your dreams at some point? And what happened there?  Here is my draft response:

Dear LuvInNolaSweetHeart:  Thank you for your eloquently penned message.  Unfortunately, I do not reciprocate your feelings.  You see, I like .05% of men that I meet.  And of those .05%, thus far, none of them have been part of the Greatest Generation (trademark: Tom Brokaw).  I do hope that you are able to move on after this loss. If you happen to have a well educated, smart, funny, nerdy son who reads (with glasses, if possible, as that is a weakness of mine) over the age of 25, feel free to pass along my contact.  But on second thought: if he is your progeny, maybe not.  LOL.