Living at Home...at 27.

You know what's awesome? Not this.  Shocker, right? Who would have thought living with your parents when you are closer to age 30 than age 20 would be...not an ideal situation.  And yet, I, and many others, find ourselves in this very situation right now.  I thought I might make a primer for how to cope with it.

1. If your parents walk in the room where you are sitting and begin conducting a phone conversation, leave. 
Nothing good will come of you being privy to your parents' phone conversations. They are simultaneously infuriating and mind-numbing.  Take for instance what is happening, right now, at this very moment.  I am sitting in the library of our house, and I can STILL hear my father, one room away, screaming on his cell phone.  He is (undoubtedly) talking to someone about his boat.  For the first 10 minutes of the conversation, he kept asking for a "Ramon." He was like, "I need to talk to Ramon. His name is Ramon.  I'm looking for Ramon. Brown hair, I think his name is Ramon. I'm pretty sure his name is Ramon. You know, Ramon (starts speaking in a spanish accent as if this is going to help the man understand him better). RA-MON."  Turns out the person he was looking for was named Ricky. 

But the main reason listening to your parents phone conversations is a bad idea is because parents talk to their friends about you as if you are not there.  I can't tell you how many times I've overheard my mother talking about me as I sit next to her on the couch.  The one-sided portion of the conversation I hear usually goes something like this:

"No, she doesn't have an apartment yet.  You know she's making so little money...I just don't know..."
"Yeah she took it already.  She was having a lot of nervous breakdowns right before, I can't tell you how happy I am now that she's done..we were really being held hostage by this, to tell you the truth..."
"You know, she just got it re-done, it's looking blonde again. I don't think she brushed her hair for 2 months, truthfully."
"No...she's at home tonight.  Again. I don't know whether she has friends or what....I know! At her age I was always wanting to go out too! I worry..." 

2. Don't try to teach your father about the Women's Rights movement when he asks whether you've cooked his dinner.  
Having not been home for THIS long many years, I didn't realize how the family really operated on a day-to-day basis, or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it.  This is how things seem to go down in my house.

LUNCH: My father comes in, sighs really loudly, talks about how hot it is, then says, "What's for lunch?" My mother will then usually oblige him and make something, which he eats, and then he leaves.

DINNER: My father comes in, sighs 10 times, talks about how hot it is outside, then asks what's for dinner.  My mom will ignore him for the time being, and he will go on craigslist for an hour looking at un-improved land in Picayune Mississippi.  My mom will theneventually present him with dinner. 

 But since I've been home all day these last few weeks...this is how this pattern has evolved.

LUNCH: My father comes in, sighs really loudly, talks about how hot it is.  My mom, seeing that I am standing there, runs away and hides, leaving me to deal with this man.  I then turn to my dad and say, "I don't understand why you are so hot, you sit in an air-conditioned office all day.  Imagine if you had to work the lines picking like the poor undocumented workers in our country." My dad sighs, and shakes his head.  He then asks me what's for lunch.  I, totally oblivious that this is the hint that I am meant to present him with a sandwich, simply respond, "I ate already. But thank you for asking me if I want to go out to lunch with you. Maybe next time?" My dad, frustrated that this process is taking longer than usually, just straight up asks, "Where's my sandwich?" To which I laugh and respond, "You're kidding right? What century do you live in?" and walk away. My dad then is forced to make his own lunch.  But he is totally incapable of taking care of himself, as he has become accustomed  to women presenting him prepared food without much prodding, so he ends up eating a lunch of 1/2 a tomato, 4 cheese slices, melba toast, and a spoon of peanut butter.

DINNER: It is at dinner time when all hell breaks loose.  My father walks into the house.  He sighs 10 times, wipes sweat off his brow, and collapses into his chair, citing that he is suffering from heat stroke.  While fanning himself and attempting to recover from the supposed "heat stroke," he asks me, "What's for dinner?" It's at this point that I usually lose my sh*t. 

LL: What's for dinner?? Why don't you cook dinner yourself? We don't live in antebellum times here, Dad.  I didn't go to 25 years of schooling simply to cook your dinner.  I cooked dinner 3 days ago. It's your turn now.
DAD: What have you done all day, may I ask?
LL: I read a book,  sat by the pool, and went for a jog, if you must know.
DAD: Oh, sounds nice.  I've been outside working my ass off in the hot sun.
LL: You were tinkering with your boat outside.
DAD: Yeah and it was HOT AS HELL OUT THERE
LL: Well you can't complain about doing that though, as fishing is your hobby.
DAD: Excuse me?
LL: You complaining about getting overheated while working on your boat is like me complaining about getting overheated while sitting outside reading my book. You chose to do that. That is your choice.  That is the beauty of the United States of America.  You can choose to work on your boat during the day, and I can choose not to cook you dinner.
DAD: What is wrong with you?
LL: I'm an educated woman who refuses to bend for the male hegemony. I guess that is what is wrong with me. 

3. When a parent asks you what you've been doing all day, sometimes its best to lie.

In these last few weeks, I've been rather...unproductive.  For example: yesterday I spent an hour at the MAC counter at the mall learning how to do smokey eyes.  But when you tell a parent (who works) the truth about how you spend the time, you're just opening yourself up to criticism.  So might I suggest using some of these elaborations.

When you've.. gone to the Apple Store to just play with the electronics.
Tell them... "You know, my computer as acting up, and I had to go to the apple store to check it out.  They were SO busy! It took them forever to see me. But don't worry! I used my powers of persuasion to get them to work on it for free! Aren't you proud of me?

When you've.. gone to a coffee shop to sit and gchat.
Tell them... "I'm making A LOT of progress on my screenplay.

When you've... left the house to get truck food by yourself, after scouring twitter to figure out the whereabouts of said food truck.
Tell them... I was hanging out with friends. Hey, Mom, guess what? I met a single doctor!