I used to have dreams.

Back before I was ruined by law school, I used to have dreams.  I wanted to be a writer for Saturday Night Live.  Then, law school not only stomped on those dreams, but spit on them.  As I sit here studying property, I decided to take a look back on my very amateur attempts at skit-writing.  I think I wrote this the night before one of my 1L exams...needless to say, I did not get the highest grade in the class.  But, since I haven't updated in a while, I thought I might copy paste this in lieu of writing an actual post, and share it with you.  Like I said, VERY rough and unrefined, but based on my real-life work experience.  Well, in the "boss sending an email but pretending not to remember the email immediately after sending it when confronted in person about it" sense.

INT. AN OFFICE WORKPLACE

The scene opens, and everyone is sitting in cubicles. The
cubicles are positioned so that everyone is in a pod area
together. People are typing away at their computers. There
are 2 people in cubicles with signs that say, “manager.” A
man and a woman sit in each of those cubicles. One cubicle
is empty. SARAH walks in wearing a black skirt, animal print
top, and sandals.

JANE (MANAGER)

Morning Sarah, love that top! It
is so fierce! Where did you get it?

SARAH

Oh thanks, Jane! I actually got it
on sale this weekend at Macy’s it
is...

SARAH stops talking because she notices JANE has lost
interest and has begun typing furiously on her computer.
JANE sits down and is shuffling papers about when a loud bing
indicates she has received an email. She opens the email.
The text of the email appears on the screen.

JANE (V.O.)

Sarah. I’m glad you decided to
join us this morning. Please note
that work starts promptly at 9am.
By my estimation, that makes you
approximately 11 minutes late.
Additionally, if you see below, I
am forwarding you the office policy
on proper attire. I direct you to
the line that reads, “your office wear should not easily translate to nighttime clubbing." Your outfit today is woefully inappropriate.  We have clients who walk through the office, and you are reflecting us poorly.  Please fix this. Regards. 

SARAH looks generally confused, and swivels back and forth to
look at JANE. JANE smiles broadly and waves when she catches
SARAH looking at her.

SARAH
Hey...Jane....I just got your
email...

JANE

Oh did I send an email? So hard to
keep track of them, I send so many!
You know how it is, girlfriend.

SARAH

No, I mean, you JUST sent me this
one, like 30 seconds ago?

JANE
Girl you know how it is, I left my
brain in the bottom of shot glass
this weekend - so foggy, hard to
say where I even am right now! Am
I in the office, or sleeping off
that crystal meth?? (Jane laughs)

SARAH
Um, okay...well, I just wanted to
say that I am sorry my outfit is
inappropriate for today, I never
want to break any rules, so I will
make sure you wear something else
tomorrow. I think this is hopefully the first and last time.

JANE

I don’t even know what
you talkin’ bout, Willis.  We’re all
friends here, right?

SARAH
Yeah, yeah, that makes me feel a
lot better, again i’m really sorry
about...

SARAH trails off as she notices JANE has lost interest
(again) and has begun furiously typing on her computer. She
shrugs and turns back to her papers when the signature ding
of a new email rings loud again. She faces the screen and
opens up the new message.

JANE (V.O.)
Sarah. I am writing to alert you
to the fact that management has
taken note of your inappropriate
office wear on numerous occasions -
this is not the first time. Every
outfit you have worn has been
totally inappropriate and an
embarrassment. Management advises
you to go shopping for clothes
which are not such flagrant
violations of the dress code. Your coworkers have 

noted your inappropriate dress, and 

are talking about you around the water-cooler. Might I suggest the
following clothing stores to you:
Dress Barn, Talbots, and Chicos.
Regards.

SARAH looks even more confused and swivels back and forth.
JANE notices SARAH looking at her

JANE
(excitedly)
Sarah - you seen this 2 Girls One
Cup video on the internet? You HAVE
to come watch it - I want to see
the reaction on your face! It is
sooo grosss!

SARAH
No, Jane...I don’t think that is
appropriate at all..and i’m just
confu..

JANE
(Interrupting)
Oh don’t be such a wet blanket!! We
all break the rules - we’re not
some square office like in the
movies. I just spent the last 4
work days sending racy messages to
this guy i met on j-date. Right,
Tom - aren’t we laid back rule
breakers?

TOM, the other manager pipes up and turns to the 2 women.

TOM
Yeah! I mean, *technically* i'm not allowed to be on these high school soccer fan chat rooms during the work day, but what's IT going to do about it? What happens in the cubicle
stays in the cubicle...am I right??

JANE laughs.

JANE
I can’t even follow this
conversation because I am stone
cold drizzunk.

JANE holds up a bottle of Boones Farm, and both she and TOM
erupt into laughter.

SARAH

Oh..okay -- hahah I get it, so,
like, the emails were a joke. Oh
man, I was so scared that I was in
trouble! Oh man you guys got me
good. I may need to take a swig of
your bottle after all!

JANE looks good-naturedly at SARAH and smiles.

JANE
Anytime girlfriend, this cubbie’s
always open for business.

SARAH laughs and sits at her desk. She sighs in relief.
Both TOM and JANE are typing furiously at their desk. SARAH
is moving around papers when 2 loud email notifications hit
her computer.

TOM (V.O.)
Sarah, I have cc’d Jane on this
email, because she has brought it
to my attention that you have
flagrantly disregarded the office
dress code policy. You have also
stated time and time again that you
think Sarah’s emails are a “joke.”
I assure you, jokes they are not.
If you continue in this manner, we
will have no choice but to take
drastic disciplinary measures.
Regards.

SARAH clicks to the next email.

JANE (V.O.)
Sarah - in addition to Tom’s
grievances in the prior email, I
would like to add that we now have
reason to believe that you have
been consuming alcohol on the job.
This has been added to your human
resources record. This is an
extremely serious job, and people’s
lives are at stake all the time.
When drunk, as you appear to be
most of the time, you are a menace
to our clients. Regards.

SARAH looks indignant and marches up to JANE’S desk

SARAH
Jane, I just got you and tom’s
email - i was just kidding about
the alcohol thing...I’ve never had
a drink on the job..i was just
saying it because you...

JANE
(interrupting)
Sarah have you heard this song? I
just heard it at this party and it

is GREAT.

JANE begins to play Lil Jon’s “Get Low” extremely loudly on

her computer, and begins singing over it

JANE (CONT’D)
...Til the sweat drops down my
balls....all Them females
crawl..all them skeek skeet skeet
skeet.

JANE begins laughing and turns them music down.

SARAH

(Totally Exasperated) Are you literally finding these videos and songs on some website that was last updated in 2006? I'm being serious here, Jane, I want to talk about
this because I think we have some
misunderstan.....

SARAH trails off because JANE has begun furiously typing on
her computer again and is oblivious to the world. The email
notification sound rings again.

SARAH (to herself)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?

JANE (V.O.)
Sarah. We have told you time, and
time, and time again that this job
is deadly serious. You have been
making it very clear that you think
this job is a joke. We are not the
number one provider of clap-on
lighting devices for nothing. This
job requires a serious-minded
personality that I, quite frankly,
do not think you possess.
Furthermore...

Sarah jumps up and goes to Jane’s desk.

SARAH
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Do you have
a problem with me OR WHAT?

JANE
Hey girl, what's wrong? You seem so agitated recently...

TOM 

Is it your time of the month again? You women are  like bears coming out of hibernation when it's your moon cycle. 

SARAH

HOW AM I THE INAPPROPRIATE ONE HERE? I literally wear an animal print top, and this is what happens? I'm sorry, I might be 36, living at home, single, still paying off the interest payments on my Schwinn, but I don't need a job THIS bad.  I quit.  

SARAH storms out of the office.  TOM and JANE look at each other.  

TOM

Jane, I know how much you hate confrontation, 

but it is really for the best that she is gone.  She was a poor representation 

of the company.  (awkward pause).  Is it lunchtime yet? I

am meeting a friend of mine from the American Girls Soccer 'zine Chatroom.

and I promised I'd pick up some stuff for her 

since her folks are out of town...

TOM proceeds to pack a large brown paper bag with Mikes Hard Lemonade, Twizzlers, Nerds, Potato Chips, lotion and 'Fire and Ice' Brand Condoms.  

JANE

You're right.  She was a sexual harassment liability in the making.  See you later, Tom! Have fun!