Lil Layne Around Town

As you can tell from the lack of posts -- I have been furiously studying for my law school finals (read: lying in the fetal position on my bed, watching back to back episodes of Jersey Shore and Steven Seagal: Lawman, telling myself I am going to start studying right after the next episode, and falling asleep before that happens). But now that the dark cloud of awful has finally lifted - I can look forward to having AMPLE free time before the next round of finals in April. And this, in turn, translates into frequent Lil Layne updating. Events to look forward to:

Dec 19th - Saints/Dallas game. Right now, I actually do not have tickets to said game, but I plan on heading over to the Dome circa 11am, and tailgating til kick-off...live blogging the entire time. I will be really technologically savvy, and will try to incorporate photos and videos into my coverage (NOTE TO SELF: Google how to do this). I also hope to get into at least 1 street fight.

Dec 20th - Christmas Caroling in Jackson Square. This might not be a live-blog per se - but any event that incorporates singing, candles, fire, tourists, french quarter, and bourbon street deserves some coverage.

Ongoing - Meeting all of the Saints players. This will probably be my number 1 goal over the holiday season. Now, some of you might find this goal quite lofty -- but I must remind you of this one important fact: last mardi gras, I partied with Kordell Stewart (former Steelers QB) at the W bar, after offering to street fight some people on his behalf. I got some skills when it comes to professional football players...that is all I am saying.

Hope you will all tune in during the coming days/weeks. If anyone has any events they'd like me to cover, leave them in the comments! Read more

Missed Connections

It comes as no surprise to those long term readers of Lil Layne that I have a soft spot in my heart for the "missed connections" page on craigslist. In fact, I once ran my own missed connections (with little success). Having said that...I am finding more and more that missed connections are becoming increasingly sketchy. Examples from Atlanta:

"you had an issue with a voice recorder. you are a sexy woman, brown shirt. tell me where, and even though I told you that you didn't have to, what'd you do? you had me turned on :)"

I am very confused by this posting. What was happening at the time this man ran into the woman?? And more importantly, who still uses voice recorders?? As I see it, the "sexy woman" was at radio shack, attempting to return a voice recorder that was not working. Meanwhile, further away, this creeper was standing behind the rack of batteries, watching the woman argue with the inepts who probably work at said Radio Shack, and was getting "turned on :)" This doesn't sound like a "missed connection" as much as it sounds like the woman "successfully evaded a serial killer."

"This is a very strange one, but also pretty incredible. Near Little 5, you walked by my window several times while walking your dog, staring in at me, while I was nude. Now I could not help it, I got really off on it, you came by several times and after I finally got it, I stayed nude for quite a while letting you enjoy. I was not sure anyone could see it, well now I know and I also know its really fun. But I don't want to get in trouble! I have always wanted to know a voyeur female. I have no idea if you will ever see this but please contact me if you do!"

So...i'm just trying to wrap my head around what was happening here. A woman was out walking her dog, when she passed by an open window facing the street. Behind this open window is a man (age 47 according to the post headline), completely naked, just standing there posing. The woman can't get enough of this naked man approaching the age of retirement, so she continues to walk back and forth just to stare at him. Yes...this seems plausible. Men will believe whatever they want to believe. You know how people go to the circus to look at the "freaks"? Well.....do I need to connect the dots here? 47 year old man, standing naked by an open window...sort of like a circus side show when you think about it.

"GRIL I SAW YOU OVER THERE ON YOUR COMPUTER LOOKIN ALL HOT WITH YOUR MINI DOG. I WANNA HIT TAT SO BADZ. I LIKE YOUR PJ PANTS BABY.

CALL ME FOR GOOD TIME, I'LL FEED YOU REECIES CUPS."

No comment necessary on this one. Read more

...And Then I Realized I Needed a New Career Path..

You know how sometimes you start watching a really, really bad lifetime original movie, and you know that there are so many more productive/entertaining/fruitful ways you could be spending your time, but you've already started, and you sort of want to see how the trainwreck ends? That is what law school is like.

The biggest problem with declaring "I don't want to be a lawyer" is that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'd do if I wasn't. I've been working towards this whole "law" thing since the first time I was ever bullied. Whenever someone was mean to me, I'd go home and write angry diary entries about how when I was older, I was going to sue them, take them to court, and make lots of money. Now that I think about it...this sort of behavior probably explains why people were picking on me in the first place...but I digress.

A funny thing happened though -- I started watching copious amounts of television programming, and suddenly - like deus ex machina - I have been overwhelmed by new career path ideas.

NBC Page: H E L L O - How fun does Kenneth from 30 Rock's day look?? He wears a blazer, and hangs out with tv stars, and gets to give tours?? My dream job! You know, when I was little, I used to give tours of my house ALL the time. While I didn't know any actual history of the house, I just sort of winged it. Did you know that we own a chair that Abraham Lincoln himself once sat in? Well, we don't...but anyone who ever took a home tour from me when I was ages 7-12 might have been told that.

Copywriter in 1960s Ad Agency: Let's look at Peggy from Mad Men -- girlfriend is not the cutest thing around, but she is being hit on CONSTANTLY by nerdy guys with brown hair who have jobs. This = my dream. Okay, so there are some sexual discrimination issues at play, but I do - not - care.

Assistant at a Talent Agency: Listen, Lloyd from Entourage has got it made. He gets to work with Ari Gold every day, all day long?? What is not to like about this?? Verbal assaults, slurs? Again: I - do - not - care. Lloyd gets to make phone calls to movie stars, and is rewarded for having an expansive knowledge of celebrity culture. Years of compulsive celeb blog reading suddenly = advantage and not a liability. Cha-ching.

But, Lil Layne is always open to other suggestions for non-legal job paths I can embark upon - I am also open to job offers as well. Anyone? Takers? Anyone? Bueller? Read more

C-Murder's Keeping Busy!

So, I routinely check back with our boy C-Murder (see prior coverage of C-Murder's trial here) to see what's going on with him up at Louisiana State Penitentiary.

Well, I have some exciting news to share! C-Murder is up for hire!

According to his "blog":

"Need C-Murder For a Feature Or A Verse For A Song Or To Host A Mixtape[?] email cmurderfans@xxxxxx.com

Stay TRU!!!"

So, you can't keep C-Murder down. He might be in jail, several hours away from civilization, serving a life sentence on a murder charge, disowned by his more successful brother Master P...but he is not going away quietly. In fact, he can appear on your very own mixtape.

Here is my question - do you think I could hire c-murder to write a track for my blog? Like a theme song of sorts? TiMo - a myspace user - had the same thought, and wrote the following comment on C-Murder's advertisement: "Soon as I get my Ca$h up ima holla 4 dat feature. Ima Fan,I be feelin your shit!" Me too, TiMo...me too. I gotta wait for that ca$h though. Maybe I can set up a pay-pal. Will my 4 readers donate to the "have c-murder write a theme song for the blog" cause?

Oh, I forgot to add: C-Murder's myspace features a new song - "Come Roll With Me."



There are a couple of things I want to note. While this video was obviously filmed in the "pre-incarceration" era..it is clear that C-Murder was really living the glamorous life often associated with rappers.
1) His studio doubles as a bedroom... I'm sure that's how all the greats roll...who needs a separate studio? Mo' money, mo' problems.
2) Let's play "I Spy" -- I spy a blue can of stuff that people spray when they are trying to pretend like they have cleaned, but are really taking a lot of short-cuts... Still guessing? Febreeze! I guess if everyone is living, sleeping, recording songs, eating, etc out of that bedroom, it is bound to be in need of some freshining.
3) Are we all clear that the woman on the track is singing, "come roll with me..I need me some nasty too" ? Okay, just wanted to make sure everyone is on the same page with this.
4) Solo cups! Whenever I see a slew of those red and blue beauties in someone's house..it just screams, "I have arrived and am a success." (Mom, Dad, take note, This is a jab at y'all. Please stop buying red and blue solo cups to supplement our normal glassware. It is embarrassing to me...and I hardly ever say that. Not even when Dad went "bow-hunting" for faux deer statuettes out of the canoe floating in the pool in the backyard.) Read more

My Parents Stumbled Upon My Blog

The first sign that my parents were close to finding my secret blogging venture happened when my mother joined facebook.

I had been avoiding her pending friend request for several weeks, but she finally caught wise, and told me I was going to be cut off financially if I did not click accept. So, begrudgingly, I accepted. I figured if my mom didn't know how to right click the mouse, she was not going to know how to navigate facebook. Wrong.

For a while, I had no indication that anything weird was happening. And then my mom started sending messages to friends of mine. One such message was sent to a male friend of mine (whose identity I will protect) which said, "I love your hair. You look so grown up." For the record, I do not *believe* that my mother is a secret cougar, although she *does* list her year of birth on facebook as 1985. Questionable.

Then, the unthinkable happened: my father somehow veered off of craigslist (where he spends the majority of his time looking for hunting land, and or/or trailer homes), and found my blog. I didn't realize he had been reading until he started commenting on posts from circa 3-4 years ago. Examples:

"funnnnnnnnnnnnny love the food store scene "

"love lil layne she is so cool
c murder is cool too but hard to
be recognized up the river--
Can't wait for more of this
------- stuff
Big D"

In case there was any question, I think that second post was meant to be a rap.

How did this happen?? Only a few months ago, my parents were navigating the internet via AOL Dial Up. Now they are browsing, friending, messaging, and commenting??? Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg - if you are reading this - DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PROBLEM. Allowing parents on facebook is NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Mom and Dad, if you are reading this (and I know you are - as you are probably my only consistent readers), I love y'all...but please cease and desist your activity on social networking sites. Read more

An Open Letter to Don Draper

Dear Don Draper,

Hi. So, you're not a real person, but I feel like I know you (intimately) after watching hundreds of hours of you on television. I just wanted to say, I think I am in love with you.



I love your binge drinking. I also love that you drive your Cadillac with a high ball glass in one hand. Sure, that might actually be a crime...but I really do not care. You pull up in that car sans seat-belts, and you are so hammered that you are throwing your high-ball glasses half filled with whiskey out the window, and you say, "Get in now," I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat. Who am I kidding -- you show up with a plane, and you say, "I have no idea how to fly this plane, I have been drinking for 12 hours, I am on some serious barbiturates, I am illiterate and cannot read, and I have a sneaking suspicion this plane does not have wings, will you get in?" and I would unquestionably jump in.

I also love they way you put people in their place. Remember that time Pegs came into your office crying in gender inequality in the workplace and demanding to be paid the same as a man? After you read her the riot act, I thought to myself, "yeah that peggy had it coming to her. She has a job, now she's asking for a raise? Who does she think this is?? Don Draper is not made of money. Don Draper is made of scotch, and cigarette smoke, and sex appeal." If I were ever your secretary, I would purposefully make mistakes so you would yell at me. And being a secretary at this point in my education (2 yrs law school) in this economy is not beyond the range of possibilities. Relatedly...Don, is Sterling Cooper hiring? I might be interested in a position.

I love the way you ask a question without really asking a question, ie - "Have coffee with me" or "Come to bed with me." This is exactly the sort of man I need in my life - someone to order me around. Left to my own devices and decisions, I would spend every night eating a lean cuisine, watching "The Biggest Loser," crying because someone told a sad story, and looking at pictures of cute babies. I need a Don Draper to step in and say to me, "Leave your apartment. Now." or, "Stop eating yoforia. Now." or, "Stop watching Colin Firth movies. Now."

I don't know the proper protocol for ending a love letter published on the internet to a fictional television character...so, I guess I'll just trail off in ellipses....

Lil Layne. Read more

...And then I went to a Folk Rock Concert

So, this past Saturday I accompanied a friend to a folk rock concert. For those of you who have not been able to deduce my preferences in musical genres, my musical tastes fall into one of the following categories:

When I am feeling stressed out: Rachmaninoff
When I am riding public transportation: Madonna
When I am feeling nostalgic: Anything played in a European Club
When I am feeling guilty about dropping out of performing arts high school: Opera
When I am thinking about dropping out of law school: Legally Blonde (The Musical) Soundtrack
When I am feeling unrequitedly in love: old school backstreet boys, or..if in a really bad way...Boyz 2 Men.
When I am trying to feel like Carrie Bradshaw that time she and Big went on that date to the Jazz Club: John Coltrane
Any other time of day, regardless of the hour: Gangsta Rap.

As you can see - none of the music I listen to really falls into the "folk rock" genre. However, always open to new and exciting opportunities (See, e.g., Dragon Con), I decided to attend said folk rock concert.

I should state for the record that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I arrived, decked out to the nines (and with a new makeover courtesy of the Chanel counter at Bloomingdales) only to find that it is extremely dark in the theater, and everyone else is dressed in jeans. Let's be honest - not the first time I dress inappropriately for an event - and probably not the last. Also, there were no chairs at this venue. Having spent most of my concert-going life in either the seats of the Superdome or Madison Square Garden, I was shocked and appalled by the lack of accommodations. What, were we meant to be standing in a giant group like groundlings at the Globe Theater?? Unacceptable.

Additionally, I was confused by the crowd at this show. Ranging in age from 18 to 75, the crowd seemed to be dominated by couples - couples on a first date, couples 2 yrs into the relationship, couples where one clearly wanted to be there more than another...you get the drift. Couples. Everywhere. Public Service Announcement to all the men vying to go on a date with Lil Layne (and I *know* there are just so many of you out there): If you want to take me on a first date - please do not take me to a place where a) I will be standing in a sweaty groundling-esque mass of humanity for 3+ hours and b) I will be drinking out of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Where was I? I get distracted very easily, you know. Oh yes, the crowd. I notice there are these middle aged women who arrive carrying cookie tins in tow. I ask my friend what this is all about, wondering if there was actually a picnic component to this event (again, I had never been to a folk rock concert before), and whether I missed the opportunity to bring some imported cheeses and figs to snack on whilst listening to Death Cab for Bravery Killers Matchbox Mayer (or whatever the bands were called). Sadly, there was no picnic portion to the evening. Apparently many women like to bring food for the bands to give them as gifts. Uhhh.... that seems...unsafe? to me? Don't we all remember Selena? I saw that Lifetime movie. The story of "Fans who bring musical artists presents" does not end well for anyone.

Once the music began, the vibe changed considerably. These women were no longer the quiet homely librarian types carrying trays of awkwardly homemade cookies...they became these psychotic looking vixens who had no inhibitions and were throwing their arms in the air.

There was one woman who looked straight out of peopleofwalmart.com (right down to the PBR she was chugging) who was OBSESSED with the lead singer of this one band. Every time there was a lull in the concert, she would yell out something like, "BARRY I LOVE YOU I AM SINGLE BARRRRRRRYYYYYYY." Meanwhile, fyi - her date was standing right behind her, totally awkwardly, sometimes trying to put his hands on her hips to control her unbridled yells, but most times looking very out of place and uncomfortable. The woman would also yell out the name of the song she wanted to hear - ie, "BARRY PLAY HOME I WANT YOU TO PLAY HOOOOOMMMMEEEE SO BAD I WOULD DIE BAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY." When they did play home, she went ballistic. She finally turned her attentions to her date and yelled (in his face), "HE PLAYED HOME FOR ME HE PLAYED IT JUST FOR ME." Yeah, just like JC Chasez played "God Must have Spent A Little More Time on You" for me at the Nsync Concert back in 8th grade.

The second woman I observed arrived with a guy I would guess was a boyfriend of at least 4 months. They were extremely comfortable with each other, and seemed to be enjoying each others company during the opening bands. But when the headlining band came on (again, headed by much beloved "Barry") there was a definite change in dynamic. The woman began distancing herself from her date, slowly removing his arms which had been wrapped around her body. Then, her facial expression changed. You know that look that Mandy Moore gives in EVERY MOVIE when she is trying to portray intensity or depth? Well this girl had that look, and would occasionally close her eyes shut really hard, and then open them back up really widely like she was watching a sunrise for the first time ever. By the end of the concert, she had made her way to the foot of the stage, and the boyfriend had left.

It was then, while watching these women go totally and completely nuts for a man on stage strumming a guitar, that I came to a sad realization: THIS is why a woman will never be president. Because of these women. Because people are afraid that a female president will lose her shit over Prince Harry, and something will detonate by accident when she's jumping around waiving arms in the air wildly screaming, "HARRYYY I LOVE YOU HARRRRYYYYY YOU ARE THE HOTTEST ONE NOW THAT WILLIAM IS BALD HARRRRYYY."

Sad. Read more

Trey Songz

So, it comes as no surprise that I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the realm of hip hop. I grew up listening to the 504 Boyz (What up, C-Murder!), the Big Tymers, Juvenile, all the cash money millionaires...and the list goes on and on. While I mostly listen to hip hop for the beats, I also enjoy witticism in my hip hop lyrics. That is why the music of one Mr. Trey Songz is so terribly offensive to me.

Unfamiliar with Trey Songz? Me too. According to Wikipedia, he is my age, and is from Virginia. Rapper from Virginia? I already hate him. But a bad home state can be put aside if someone is truly gifted at what he does. Trey Songz is not. Here is a sample from his chart-blazing song, "LOL :)" (Yes, you read that correctly.)

Shorty just text me,
Says she want to sex me
LOL smiley face
LOL smiley face
Shorty sent a twit pic
Saying come and get this
LOL smiley face
LOL smiley face

You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME with this. REALLY? LOL smiley face? A song about sexting?? Hey Trey Songz...better make sure that shorty is over the age of 18 or it's going to be "LOL Federal Crime."

I thought that maybe Trey Songz just wrote this one truly terrible song and his other raps were much better. Apparently not. Here is another song called "Panty Droppa."

I wanna make love to you
This right here is a panty dropper
Panty dropping love song
Nothing but your heels on
Loving you
This right here is a baby maker
And we'll be making babies tonight

This is quite the party anthem right here. Let me tell you - when I go out to the club, i'm always looking to end the evening with the hope that I've made a baby. This song also reminds me to many, many years ago when a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless...but he knows who he is), asked me for songs to put on a "panty dropping" CD to use with his girlfriend at the time. If you're reading this...too bad Trey Songz wasn't around 7+ years ago.

Trey Songz also leaves nothing to inference or suggestion in his song titles. Examples: Sex For Yo Stereo, I Invented Sex, No Clothes On, Ur Behind, Make Love Tonight. I did not make those up. This man actually put pen to paper, said to himself, "I am going to create a piece of copyrightable expression" and wrote down, "Ur Behind."

Mr. Trey Songz...Lil Wayne, you are not. Read more

Wedding Fatigue

So, I've been planning my wedding, and let me tell you - it is so tiring! What is that you ask? When did I meet my future husband, and when did we get engaged?

These are all trivial points. You see, I got sick of hearing/reading/seeing photos of/thinking about other people's weddings. So, rather than sit on the sidelines and wait til I get my turn in 2045, when I fall in love and marry a 3 time divorcee I meet at Picadilly Cafeteria..I've decided I am just going to plan everything now, and be super prepared. It's going to be a magical night.

Location

Who doesn't love GRITS? Otherwise known as - the scene of my awkward high school reunions where most people either a) don't remember me, b) refer to me as "hey girl" or c) ignore me..I can't imagine a more perfect location for my wedding. And, the beauty of it is that I could have the ceremony itself at F&Ms, and then transition to GRITS for the party after. All Class.

Music
After scouring the interwebs high and low, I think I finally found the perfect group to both a) serenade me down the aisle and b) keep the party going all night long. I submit to you, the youngstunnas (one word). While they had no musical clips on their website (only a confusing slideshow of childhood pictures accompanied by the musical stylings of Drake)...their ambition, drive and determination came through in their...mission statement.

"the Youngstunnas are two cousion who sahre the same talents and dreams. One of those cousions are colby aka Young Co i sing ,rap ,and the songwriter not for all songs though. The other cousion is Anthony aka Lil Ant he is the rapper. we are starting to make some songs and waiting for our big break."

And I hope my wedding can be that break. Magical.

The Dress

I. LOVE. THIS. DRESS. First of all - it is just SO figure flattering. I mean, any bride, any size, any shape is just going to look like a princess in such a well designed piece. Also, it is very adaptable to whatever the wedding night may bring. My husband is being lame and wanting to go back to our hotel room? I can just rip the back piece off, and I'm ready to hit Utopia on Bourbon Street with my ladiez.

The Groom's Tux

When I see this look - it takes my breath away. This look just screams "Contemporary Don Draper." The man who wears this tux is rich, sophisticated, educated, worldly. While it is highly unlikely that my future husband will fulfill even one of those descriptors (let alone all 4), when I see him as I walk down the aisle - I will forget all about how he is marrying me for a green card and/or the $300 in my checking account.

The Food

Now - I know what you're thinking. You're thinking - "Lil Layne - this is such a classy wedding, why are you going to cater your wedding with fast food?" I am here to let you in on a little secret: you put those chicken pieces on silver plates, and people will think Emeril Lagassee himself cooked it. How do I know this? One time when I brought college friends back to Mardi Gras, I took them to Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits (circa 5:30am in the French Quarter) and they could not get enough of the chicken that they were literally sucking the marrow out of the bones. Truth. The homeless man eyeing us enviously as they were talking about the deliciousness of the chicken can attest to it.

All in all, I hope you will be there to celebrate my special day. Read more

Can we just get real for a moment here?

WHAT THE F IS GOING ON WITH FACEBOOK THESE DAYS? I remember when facebook was so elite that the likes of miscreants who did not attend ivy league colleges were not tolerated (i.e, me). Now, i'm not suggesting that we go back to those dark ages when I was constantly refreshing to see if my college had miraculously made it on the list...but there needs to be some standards.

Example: My Mother is now on facebook. My mother, who has just recently learned how to right-click the mouse, is now posting on walls, commenting on photos and monitoring my profile. Also, please note that my mother lists her year of birth as 1985. In case you were wondering - I was born in 1984.

Also, i'm constantly being invited to join some such mess called Mafia Wars. What is this thing, anyway? Is it the modern day equivalent of "Drug Wars" - the game everyone had on their TI-83 graphing calculator in high school? I find it especially ironic that so many people have suddenly decided to invite me to participate on their team, when, as a child, I was always picked last for teams. You didn't want me to be on your dodge ball team, but now you're dying for me to join your crew as a lieutenant? Guess who's getting the last laugh now as I......click "ignore" on your request. Hmm. So... that isn't the sort of vengeance I always had in mind growing up. Whatever. It's a recession. I'll take what I can get. Read more