...And then I watched the Last Episode of Downton Abbey

Well people. Here we are. The last episode of Downton Abbey this season.

I know I let many of you down by not updating the last few episodes.  Truth be told, after Sybil died, I almost couldn't go on anymore. She was like my kindred spirit soul sister. She wore pants, and fought with her mom, and helped that one housemaid get a secretary's job, and was everything good about that family. And then MOTHER F*ING JULLIAN FELLOWS ANDREW DAVIES WHICHEVER ONE HE IS HAD TO KILL HER AND ALL THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD WAS EXTINGUISHED.  And I cried alone in my apartment like a baby.  

But here's what else happened in the last few episodes: 

• Bates got out of prison and no one cared except everyone pretended to be happy but everyone was really like, "oh now our servant is out of jail for murdering his wife but who cares because LADY SYBILL IS STILL DEAD." WHY Julian Fellows, WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE BATES INSTEAD OF LADY SYBIL. 
• Thomas (the servant, not the son-in-law nee chauffeur) made a pass at Jimmy, and O'Brien got all creepily up in everybody's business like that Mom who pretends to be a teenager on AIM.
• Lady Edith really Edith-ed it up this time, and basically did the early 20th century version of google stalking -- calling on her oldy-timey telephone and asking the operator?? to perform a background check on her new boss. Who, if we're being brutally honest here, looks like a SLIGHTLY younger version of her last paramour Sir Antony. Like, I literally think they used the same actor, told him to lose 20lbs, and asked him to part his hair in the OTHER direction.  Poor Lady Edith is so insignificant that the show can't even budget out two different actors to play her two different love interests over the course of this season.  And what did Carmen Sandiego the operator find out? That Mr. Editor has a Mrs. Crazy Wife who, although institutionalized, is still legally married to him. 

Are we all caught up? Okay! Time for the finale! 

We are suddenly one year in the future, and it looks like the Ladies, Gents and the VIP servants are headed Scotland! 

OH SNAP. Mary is pregnant! Except her face is still skinnier looking than mine. Doesn't make me feel bad at all (...she says as she reaches for the brie). 

If you were to watch this entire season of Downton Abbey from beginning to end, and to drink the entire time Lady Edith is standing around holding an oldy timey telephone to her ear, you'd have alcohol poisoning by the halfway point.  Oh how sneaky. Lady Edith's editor just so happens to be going to Scotland at the same time. This is like the time my other only child friend and I coordinated our vacations to Disney World at the same time and "just so happened" to run into each other on the boardwalk. We coordinated this so our parents would drop their guard and let us run around to meet all the eligible 12yr old boys of the Disney World Park pool-scene. Anybody who is anybody knew that the flyest boys lived in Central Florida. 

TOO MUCH BATES AND ANNA ON THE SCREEN. GO AWAY. I literally put my fingers in my ears and scream every time I see them.  WHY DID YOU SAVE HIM AND TAKE AWAY SYBIL JULIAN FELLOWS. WHY.  

I can already tell I am going to hate everything having to do with Edna, starting with her voice.  

The first theme that emerges from the season finale? Noah's Ark. Everyone has got to get paired up.  Starting with Lady Crawley and Dr. HeWasRightAboutSybilAllAlong. 

Next two onto Noah's Ark: Tufton and Ms. Padmore. I wish some man came into my kitchen and tried my food and then decided he was in love with me. Having said that, all I have in my kitchen right now are Jimmy Dean DeLite Turkey Sausage breakfast sandwiches and gin.  So unless he's an alcoholic on methamphetamines, a man is unlikely to be impressed with my kitchen. 

Now we're in the alternate universe of Scottish Downton where everything seems muted, and everyone gets called by the name of their master? And everyone has a bizarro version of themselves? Like, Bizarro O'Brien? Was she just flirting with her when she said what a "treat" it was to have a kindred spirit like Miss O'Brien in the house? That whole exchange made me feel very uncomfortable. 

Second Theme of this episode: Is Tom Branson downstairs or upstairs or what?!?!?! God could Julian Fellows be any more heavy handed with the metaphors.  

Mary really is at her finest (wit wise) when she is taking a dump all over Edith's dreams. 

Oh god. Edna and Branson. I don't want to watch this. LEAVE POOR BRANSON ALONE. He is like the Danny Tanner of Downton Abbey now -- totally asexual and OFF LIMITS. 

Seriously. Mr. Gregson looks JUST LIKE A 50 YEAR OLD VERSION OF SIR ANTONY.  I mean, you can't accuse girlfriend of not having a type. Remember when she made out with that married guy she was teaching how to use the tractor? To quote people I follow on twitter: smh.  

Lady Edith: let's real talk here.  After inviting the man over to your uncle's house in SCOTLAND, how are you really asking him "what are you after?" with a totally straight face?? YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S AFTER. It's not your friendship he wants. Because let's be honest...sh'alittle boring. He wants your body. 

Okay I just totally fastforwarded through that Anna and Bates scene.  

Can O'Brien go anywhere without making an enemy? Also: are we *really* going to start taking hair care tips and advice from a woman who wears her hair like this every day?

O'Brien has a British Mullet.  A Brullet, if you will.  And yet, she's suddenly the Vidal Sasoon of Shrimpy's Castle. Yikes. Times is tough. 

I don't want to be rude, but...does anyone really tune into Downton Abbey to see old widowers date? Okay? So let's try and resolve this Lady Crawley/Dr. Whathisface storyline quickly. 

Wait. Is this secret Anna is planning for Bates a DANCE? I thought it was going to be, like, "i'm pregnant" or "i'm leaving you" or "you're going back to jail and everyone is so happy because you are literally the worst, Bates." 

The Downton Boys won the tug of war! And Jimmy won a lot of money! And everyone celebrated by drinking alcoholic beverages out of coffee cups?? Whatever. Aww cute.  Conan O'Brien the footman thinks he is meant to be the next Gordon Ramsey. 

Oh no! Jimmy the footman almost got kidnapped and Thomas saved him! God. Thomas is really growing on me. He is so misunderstood. 

And now we have: the most awkward failed marriage proposal of all time between Dr. Clarkson and Lady Crawley. Like, did she not realize he was trying to ask her to marry him, or.....?

Okay Carson holding little baby Sybill was absolutely adorable.  

Time for the ball! Except, why are the help allowed to go to this ball? Is it like that weird ball they had that one time back in Season 2 when the war had ended, and suddenly Matthew could walk again and Carson was dancing with the Dowager Countess? 

I want someone to throw a Downton style ball. Actually, I think they used to have that, and it was called "Valencia." Basically, some brain genius in New Orleans came up with this social program where all the private school kids in, like, the 6th grade would get together every friday for a certain number of weeks and learn how to do ballroom dances. In order to determine who you partnered up with, they used to make the boys and girls get in concentric circles and walk in some sort of human version of musical chairs. I suppose all of that was to protect weirdos like me from hiding in the bathroom the entire time with their multiple bonnie bell lip smackers (on keychains, no doubt) in lieu of dancing with real life boys. I wish I could remember all the different boys I danced with. Actually, I don't. Because if I *did* remember them, then I would realize they are all titans of industry, while I am sitting alone in my apartment in the dark typing to the internet about "that one time" I danced with them 16 years ago. 

Oh I forgot how Mosely had a problem with alcohol.... 

God this scene with Anna dancing and Bates creepily watching her with the violin music makes me want to vomit.  

I want to shake Lady Edith. YOU ARE SUCH A TYPICAL WOMAN.  YOU AND SIR ANTONY 2.0 ARE NOT GOING TO END HAPPILY. If you don't believe me, why don't you walk over to the Dunleavy Kilcaddy Robert Scott Library and open up a copy of Jane Eyre.  Because Rochester had a crazy wife too, and, well..... Just saying.    

Goddamnitt Edna, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF DANNY TANNER. 

Yay! Despite all of the "Lady Mary is going to have problems" foreshadowing of this entire episode, she has given birth! and to a male heir no doubt! Downton is safe! Everyone is dancing a jig. And everyone is in love! And Happy. 

AND THEN DAN STEVENS HAD TO RUIN ALL OF OUR LIVES BY TRYING TO "TRY IT OUT" IN THE AMERICAN DRAMA MARKET AND THEY HAD TO KILL THE ONLY MAN I WILL EVER LOVE, MATTHEW CRAWLEY.  

At this point, I'd like to take the rest of this post as an open letter to Dan Stevens.  

Dear Dan Stevens, 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Can I be honest? You're no Hugh Grant.  I might have called you "the Next Hugh Grant" after seeing your portrayal of Edward Ferrars in the 2008 adaptation of Sense and Sensibility (note: really, really good to any of my readers out there who have an unquenchable thirst for BBC period pieces). But I'm taking it back now. Can I tell you what you did? It would be like if Colin Firth had said (midway through filming that scene in Pride and Prejudice where he jumps into the water with the white shirt), "you know? I think I'm done? I think I did a pretty good job up until now?" and then moved to Los Angeles to try and book a gig on LA Law.  I hate you almost as much as I hate Julian Fellows for killing off the bright beautiful star that was Lady Sybil.  

Alright. That's all I've got. I'm spent.