Last week, the second member of my three person elementary school theater troupe got married. Haven't figured out which leading lady of the "ALL Club" is still unmarried? In a shocking twist, it was the girl who always had to play either "boy," "creepy villain" or "old wise lady" in every one of our theatrical productions (me). That is neither here nor there. In getting ready for the wedding, I had to go get my bridesmaid dress altered. When I first dropped the dress off, the woman hastily made some notations on a sheet of paper, and told me to come back in a few days. She was clearly busy, and didn't have time to chit chat. I thanked her and agreed to come back in 3 days. And that is where we begin.
INT. WE PAN ON A SMALL TAILOR SHOP IN THE CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT OF NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA. LAYNE WALKS IN AND THE ASIAN SEAMSTRESS IMMEDAITELY RECOGNIZES HER AS, “TRAINWRECK WHO CAME IN SWEATY DURING HER LUNCH BREAK TO GET A DRESS COMPLETELY RE-MADE IN 3 DAYS.”
LAYNE
Hi..... I’m back to pick up my...
SEAMSTRESS
Ah yes. The dress that i needed to add all that fabric to. I remember.
LAYNE
Sure. Yes. Whatever. That’s me. C’est moi.
SEAMSTRESS
Say what?
LAYNE
No, I was just like, C’est Moi. It’s like French. I was just trying to be cute. I don’t know
SEAMSTRESS
Cute. Yes. You getting married soon too?
LAYNE
No no. Just a bridesmaid
SEAMSTRESS
(Makes a knowing look back to the other elderly woman sitting at a sewing machine. Clearly they’ve been talking about her.)
Well - you go try it on.
LAYNE GOES INTO THE DRESSING ROOM, AND THE DRESS FITS ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY. THE SEAMSTRESS HAS DONE A MARVELOUS JOB, AND LAYNE FINALLY ADMITS PERHAPS SHE LOOKS GOOD. SHE EXITS WITH DRESSING ROOM IN THE DRESS WITH A SKIP IN HER STEP
LAYNE
This looks so great! Thank you so much! I’m so happy right now. Thank you!
SEAMSTRESS
Yes. Looks good. But I want to show you something.
LAYNE
(puzzled)
Okay.....
SEAMSTRESS
Look at hips. I had to add
(emphasis added here )
*A lot of fabric* to make it fit in the hips.
LAYNE
Okay yes. Thank you. As that is your job to make this dress fit, I appreciate you doing what needed to be done.
SEAMSTRESS
(Growing excited)
NO! I want you to see HOW MUCH FABRIC I had to add. Look at the fabric I sewed in.
(At this point, the Seamstress lifts up the top layer of the dress to show Layne the fabric she added to the slip. As Layne is standing in front of the large picture window facing the busy and bustling street filled with lunchtime foot traffic, she just prays that none of the people she is currently facebook stalking who work downtown happen to walk by at this exact moment. Or that if it does happen, someone then promptly comes into the tailor shop and murders her.)
You see the fabric? LOTS OF FABRIC. Now it fits the hips. Didn’t fit the hips before.
LAYNE
Gotcha. I’m a bit of a pear shape. No need to tell me twice. But if i’m not mistaken, the top of the dress was very big, so you probably had to remove fabric to fit my slim build.
SEAMSTRESS
Yes. You’re right! Too big up top!
LAYNE, STARTING TO LOOK PROUD OF HERSELF FOR BEING TOO THIN FOR THE TOP OF HER DRESS SHE ORDERED MONTHS AGO
SEAMSTRESS (CONT’D)
Too big because NO CHEST. NO BOOBS. Had to build in to make it look normal.
LAYNE
(to herself) are you f*cking...
SEAMSTRESS
Also, had to sew the hem because it was too long.
LAYNE
(happy for an alteration they can finally agree on)
Correct. You *did* have to sew the hem, now if I could just go ahead and pay you so I can go...
SEAMSTRESS
But it was so weird.
LAYNE
(again, to herself)
You know what's going to be weird? When I set this place on fire.
SEAMSTRESS
It was so weird because the front of the dress was MUCH LONGER than the back of the dress.
LAYNE
Well, you know. Sometimes the children working on these things in the factory lose their attention, mistakes are made...I get it, if I could please just pay...
SEAMSTRESS
(interrupting Layne)
I thought that too, but then when I looked at the dress after you took it off. I realized. It wasn’t the dress. It was your...
LAYNE
(starting to break out in a sweat knowing what is probably coming)
REALLY. NEED. TO. PAY. RIGHT. NOW. MUST. GO. BACK...
SEAMSTRESS
It was because of your butt! Like Kim Kardashian! Too big! It made the dress too short in the back!
LAYNE
(Totally losing it)
YES. I KNOW. PEAR SHAPE. SMALL CHEST. BIG REAR. You have successfully identified every area of my body that I have pinterested as, “Plastic Surgeries I would get if I could afford it, but sadly I cannot afford my own rent.” I’ll have you know I’m in Step. I’m in Bootcamp. My instructor Tony knows me as, “Blue Shirt, Red Face.” Working on all of it. But right now? Right now what I want is for you to bag this bad boy up so I can leave here and stress dive right into an industrial sized bag of Cheetos.
SEAMSTRESS
(Slowly walking towards a drawer that no doubt holds a gun meant specifically for situations like this)
Oh okay... okay. You look nice. It looks real nice. Look very pretty. You’re next to get married. Very pretty bridesmaid. Everything okay? Yes so so pretty bridesmaid. Nice bridesmaid. Looks so pretty on you....
LAYNE PAYS FOR THE DRESS (TELLING THE SEAMSTRESS SHE QUOTED HER $20 LESS THAN SHE ACTUALLY DID, BUT IT SEEMED FAIR GIVEN THE SITUATION). SHE WRAPS UP THE DRESS, AND LEAVES.
3 comments:
This reminds me of my wedding dress shopping experience in China. One of the shopkeepers would not even let me try on her dresses. Rather than telling me why not, she insisted on miming the size of the dress versus the size of my humongous body.
Keep up the good work, Layne! I'm red face at my gym, too!
It took me to halfway down to realize how racist the voice in my head was for the seamstress, then I had to figure out if it was warranted based on your description.
Yes, it was.
Would read again.
Pear-shaped women are more likely to stay married than their non-pear shaped friends who have a 7 in 3 chance of divorce (sorry Amy Poehler). Also pear-shaped women are funnier than girls with slim hips who have never known what is like to struggle because skinny jeans are their oyster (bitches). And we are more likely to get our own TV show that no one watches (here's looking at you, Mindy).
Love,
Bestselling author, Tina Fey
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