Two Polyamorous Recovering Alcoholics Go on a Date.

In a development that will surely please my mother: I've decided to get serious about finding Mr. Husband. Because ladies? After age 40, the pickings are s l i m out there, as evidenced by the date that JUST transpired behind me at CCs coffee shop. 

To set the scene - I am sitting in a corner with a middle aged woman, who is fairly pretty, in a Julianne Moore-but-older looking kind of way. All of the sudden, a somewhat disheveled looking man who looks like the sort of guy to work at the Shoe Department at JCPenny's rolls in. They proceed to make out.  

BUT BEFORE I GO ON, there is something you should know.  In the minutes leading up to the entrance of our dashing Mr. Darcy, the Lady had been furiously talking on her cell phone to a confidant. About what, you ask? Well it seemed as though the gentleman had butt dialed the lady earlier today. When at another woman's house.  The lady was asking her friend if she should confront the guy about what she heard.  Apparently, the Lady was very aware that our Darcy was dating this other girl, and the conversation she overheard confirmed in her mind that he was "not really into" the Other Woman, whom he allegedly met in out-patient alcohol rehab. Oh yes. Because, you see, our Darcy is a recovering alcoholic. And the Lady? She met him in AA. So, if you're keeping track: this guy is dating two women at the same time, one he met in out-patient rehab, and the other in AA.  You know how the saying is, "there are girls you bed and girls you wed." Which is which in this scenario??? But I digress. 

You got all the pieces part in place now? Good. So let's go back to the coffee shop.  Dapper Darcy rolls  in with his JNCO jeans, approaches the coffee table where The Lady waits. 

The Lady: Well hey there baby. 

Dapper Darcy: You're not as dressed up as you usually are when you are trying to impress me. 

The Lady: I'm keeping it casual today. 

Dapper Darcy: I don't know if I like it. 

This is the face of dating as a middle aged person, my friends.  At this point, I'm thinking, "I guess the crazy b*tch took her friend's advice and decided not to mention the butt-dial. 

The Lady: (long pause)... So I was sleeping really good today at 3pm until you called me and woke me up. 

Dapper Darcy: I don't think I called you? 

TL: Oh it must have been a butt dial. 

DD: (extremely long pause) Did you listen to it? 

TL: Oh no, I couldn't listen to it. I didn't want to violate your privacy

DD: Oh good, I mean, I don't think there was anything bad or anything. 

TL: Yeah, I'm sure there wasn't. I hung up right away. 

At this point, there is literally a 4 minute pause in the conversation. That is when I hear The Lady with a quivering voice ask, 

TL: Whatcha doing with your phone? 

DD: I'm looking to see how long the phone conversation lasted

TL: (rapidly) You know when I said I didn't hear your conversation, I meant I only heard a little bit of what you were saying, and I couldn't really hear it, it was muffled. 

AND THAT'S WHEN SH*T STOPPED BEING POLITE, AND STARTED GETTING REAL.  

DD: Weird. Because here it says that the phone call lasted 23 minutes.

TL: (totally back-pedaling now) Well I spent most of that time yelling your name into the phone. You didn't hear me?? Are you deaf or something??  

TIME OUT.  Did this woman REALLY think she was going to clandestinely listen to the guy she is sort of dating's conversation with the OTHER woman he is dating, mention it to him, and get away with him not checking the phone log? Oh okay.  Just checking.  

DD: I'm glad you listened to it. When I told you that I was also seeing another woman, I don't know if you really believed me, but now you can't deny it to yourself. 

TL: Well you know I'm dating someone else too. I am going to butt dial you next time I am with Paul, see how you like it. 

DD: It would probably be so boring I would fall asleep. 

Can you hear the wedding bells ringing? What. A. Man. This is romance.  

TL: Yeah, but you know what? When I was listening to you and Kate on the phone today, I noticed you didn't laugh like you and I laugh. 

DD: We do share some laughs don't we. 

TL: Yes we do. And you know what? I wake up really late. I mean, if you want to hang out with Kate in the morning before I wake up at 3pm, that's perfect. Then I can have you all night long. 

And then they started making out again.  

TL: You know, Paul *is* boring. But he satisfies me sexually. But you satisfy me way more. 

DD: You're alright, I guess. 

TL: I wish I could just take that mouth of yours with me and keep it in my purse when I need a laugh. Or in my pants. 

FETAL POSITION. I WAS LITERALLY GETTING IN THE FETAL POSITION at this point in the conversation. As weirdly asexual as I can be sometimes, I was uncomfortable with their PDA. But to hear her talking about his mouth in her pants, it was just BEYOND.   But luckily, when you are still on the dating scene as a middle aged person, I guess that was all the foreplay that is needed. After this, the lady asked if guy wanted to go buy some fish tacos and then "watch movies." Now, when I invite people over to watch movies, I am such a freak that when the guy shows up, I am literally standing there, "Craigslist Killer Made-For-TV" movie in my hand, snuggie in the other, and popcorn on the table.  But with these two, I don't think any movies are going to be watched. I didn't hear Dapper Darcy's response, but he did take out his phone, call some person, and let them know he wouldn't be making it to an AA meeting at the Bridge House tonight...so, I guess he was in.  

After this, there was a slightly awkward exchange about how he was refusing to pay for any of her food from here on out, b/c he's already paid for 9 dates, and she said she would be willing to pay for the fish tacos.  Then they ran out of the coffee shop to destinations unknown.

So, I guess the moral of the story is this: do you have someone you want to set me up with? Go ahead. I will literally date your weird cousin Bartleby, so long as he's not in some sort of recovery, not over 40, not looking for another girl to date in the morning, while dating me in the afternoon, and does not own a pair of JNCOs. I'd also prefer taller than me, employed at a job with direct deposit, and funny - but...I'm not getting any younger, so, those requirements are negotiable.