If Life Was a Jane Austen Novel

As the summer months march on, I find myself engaging in the best summer activity at all: lying horizontal in an apartment, air conditioner blasting, shades drawn to block out the sun, watching BBC adaptations of Jane Austen novels, while, of course, eating blocks of cheese off of my abdomen and drinking white wine (white wine because, duh, it's summer).


Being a Jane Austen Scholar in college (ie: a literature major who read every Jane Austen book/watched every Jane Austen novel adaptation drunk in her dorm room on Saturday nights in lieu of typical college experiences), I always appreciated the plotlines and intrigues of the stories the most. But now as I approach my 30th year, I have a new found appreciation for elegance with which the characters communicate really sh*tty things to one another.

Some examples:

Girl does something. Other girls judge her. 
2013: Can you seriously believe she did that with him??? OMG i would never.  Jesus.
Jane Austen Times: It is not my place to speak of those matters which I have no personal knowledge, but I do hope she has not forever marked her good name with one frivolous unguarded moment of weakness.

You meet this guy, you really like him, you go out with him a couple of times, and then he never calls you back.  
2013: WTF is his problem? I thought we had a really good time? I don't like to wish ill on anyone, but I wouldn't be sad if he choked on a king cake baby. :::opens facebook page of guy and proceeds to look at every photo, sometimes three times in a sitting::: 
Jane Austen Times: At first, I believed we had formed an attachment. But as it has been a fortnight since last we exchanged letters, it is clear that the attachment I perceived was mine, and mine alone. I wish him well in the future, and am relieved his new situation will move him far from the Lake Country.  

When you see the guy you think you are dating leaving a bar with another girl and then later confront him. 
2013: I mean, yes. I guess *technically* that person you saw me with is my girlfriend, but I'm not really happy with her. Plus, I think we now know that humans are not meant to be monogamous. That's just science.  :::continues to send unsolicited and unresponded to text messages in the AM hours asking, 'you up? lets link up'::::
Jane Austen Times:  I have something I must tell you. While these few weeks with you have been some of the most diverting and pleasing weeks of my life, I am committed elsewhere, and I must act in a manner befitting my family name and station. I hope any delay in relaying this information has not caused you discomfort, and I hope you do not think ill of me.  Although I am understanding if you do.

You meet Guy. You think Guy likes you. Guy actually likes your friend. 
2013: (as you are in the middle of a HIGH-larious story about the band, "The Pet Shop Boys") Hey, what's your hot friends name? You know which one I am talking about -- the little hot one. What's her deal? She single? Maybe you can introduce me.
Jane Austen Times: Lady Layne, perhaps you might do me the honor of making an introduction between myself and the lady with the flowers in her hair? I do feel I have not yet had the opportunity to make her acquaintance.

Your mother when you are 29 and single. 
2013: I don't know why you think 46 is too old for you. The emergency room doctor who diagnosed your father's influenza had no ring, and, after google searching the name on the prescription bottle, he seemed to have no ex wife or children either. Who do you think you are? Her royal highness Kate Middleton? You'd only BE so lucky to land someone like Dr. Peen.
Jane Austen Times: All is lost. There is no hope. She will die an old maid. Perhaps if she is so lucky, she can become travel companion of a rich married woman.   

I think I am going to start talking like I am in Jane Austen Times when I am out, socially. The Future Mr. Lil Layne will find this endearing. And by the "future Mr. Lil Layne," I am obviously referring to the cat my little sister will sucker me into adopting from a kill shelter after the 9th week of living on her couch when I am 48 years old.