An exciting new project! - Update

The exciting new project has been tweaked, and we now have a new URL, so please take note of it below

Lipstick & Linebackers www.liplinebackers.blogspot.com

At the end of the day, we felt like this probably made more sense than the old address, which had incorporated a word not found in the english language.

So bookmark the NEW address, add it to your google-reader/whatever it is you young kids are doing these days. Read more

My Mother the Matchmaker

I feel like I've been posting about my Mother quite a bit. But she is like a never-ending fountain of material. I almost wonder if she keeps sending me these ridiculous emails to force my hand into posting about her. I think her greatest wish in life is for people outside of the family to think I am obsessed with her.

Today's email had to do with the arduous task of matchmaking. My mother has tried, very unsuccessfully, to set me up with the following people (Please keep in mind that she knows none of these men, nor has she even ever met any of these men): State Representative Walt Leger ("You could do worse, Lil Layne. He is a homeowner and a State Representative, and his daddy is very important."); Saints Player Jeremy Shockey ("Drew Brees says he is VERY misunderstood."); Saints Player Jeff Charleston ("I go to the same beautician as him."); Former FL Quarterback Tim Tebow ("He's such a good Christian."); Former WWL-TV Newscaster Lee Zurich ("You can just tell he is very smart from the way he reports the news.") So, it is safe to say that my mother has bizarre and grandiose ideas when it comes to potential mates.

But recently, I have become a bit of a lost cause for her. I tweet too much about tv, I spend too much time working on "improving myself through education" and I wear my hair in a pony-tail too often. Enter into the scene: my little godsister (hereafter known as "Lil GS") who is 16 years old.

Lil GS is the polar opposite of me: she is extremely popular with boys; I've seen her plow through an entire pizza by herself without gaining any weight, and I don't even want to juxtapose what her social life is like at 16 versus what my social life was like at 16. She is like playing with a brand new fun and hip barbie doll, instead of some cynical, man-hating feminist, sardonic barbie doll.

Today I received the following Email from my Mom:

I think we should introduce Lil GS to Elian Gonzalez.

Talk about a blast from the past. Do we all remember Elian Gonzalez? Maybe this photo will help jog your memory.

Well, looks like little Elian is all grown up.


I'm just confused as to why my mother this is either a) a suitable match and b) realistically attainable.

Secondly, why is she setting Lil GS up with anyone at all? SHE IS 16! When I was 16, I was making powerpoints, and singing in choir, and not even thinking about dating boys yet. See how well I turned out?

But maybe her hope is that Elian will read this post and want to start a pen-pal relationship with Lil GS, which will blossom over 10 years, and result in an eloquently pinned NYTimes wedding announcement. Because YOU KNOW if Elian Gonzalez were to marry an American, that sh*t would be in the Sunday "Weddings and Celebrations" section. I guess I can support that cause. Read more

Google Searches

In what is fast becoming one of my favorite segments, I go through the convoluted searches queries people enter into google which somehow bring them here to my blog.

Corry Rush: Are people out there actually searching for this guy? What do you need to know about Corry Rush? He is a dream-killing, Spawn of Satan, and I am tired of having to repeat myself on this issue. Corry...are you googling yourself and reading this? If so: can you please get me a press pass to the NFL Draft? I am available for Saturday. You know how to reach me.

Matt O'Hanlon Saints: I guess *somebody* is keeping his little fingers crossed, hoping and wishing that the Saints would draft him. I don't blame him. New Orleans is an amazing city, the fans are awesome, real estate is cheap, and we have a freaking lombardi trophy. I guess the Saints are like the Goldman Sachs of football teams right now. Having said that: Matt, meet Darren Sharper. He's our current safety, and he went to something called "The Pro Bowl." But hey! Far be it from me to ruin someone's dreams. I once had a dream of going to Harvard Law school. Then that dream ceased to materialize, and here I am. Now I have a dream of dropping out of law school. Maybe that bad boy will come true. But anyway... Matt, I wish you the best of luck. If you want, I can start a rumor around the water cooler that the Saints are seriously interested in you to drive up your stock. And by "water cooler" I obviously mean, on twitter to my >100 followers. Or I could interview you. I am an equal opportunity interviewer - I would interview a dog. And have.

Dragoncon Slut: I would LOVE to meet the person who looked this up. LOVE. I actually would want to do a multi-post series on this google searcher. We know it is obviously a man, and he is probably searching from some sort of basement (or other dark recess in his house), and he is probably in some state of undress. Imagine the scene: He eagerly opens up google, types in the phrase "Dragoncon Slut" and then....finds this blog. I wonder what sort of look came on his face when he saw this website? It's like thinking you are about to dive into a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream, only to taste it and find that the substance you are consuming is actually sour cream that has already gone bad. I wonder if he cursed, or yelled out "WHY GOD" or some other exasperated exclamation. Man, I can't wait for next September when Dragoncon rolls back into Atlanta. Read more

Mike Triplett, are you scared of me?

Well, I guess it was bound to happen. Mike Triplett is obviously petrified I will physically hurt him. I have scared him off with the frequency of my emails. Let's look at the time line of events.

1. Mike posts 2 of my questions in his Saints Mailbag. I guess he hoped that I would see the respectable showing, become distracted by my moment in the spotlight, and not notice his next moves. Look here, Mike: I read Harry Potter. I know how Harry Potter distracted the Dragon only to escape on his broomstick back when he was competing in the Wizarding Tournament. (Time-out (zach morris style): Am I ACTUALLY making Harry Potter references on this website? God what is WRONG with me? Time-in.)

In the now infamous "Mailbag" Mike also alluded to a video mailbag which he said he was going to produce before going on some sort of undisclosed "vacation." I heart the video mailbag, so I was eagerly awaiting the video. BUT WAIT! Mike never posted one. Instead, he made his "colleague" post one.

2. The story then gets weirder. I attempt to post a comment on the video mailbag-lite that this character in the Berkeley tshirt was trying to shill us, when nola.com informs me that I cannot post any more comments because I have posted too many in too short a time period. It was the first time I had tried to post in like 3 months. Was it a computer glitch, or have I been blacklisted? I didn't stick around to try it, because I had more pressing issues on facebook. Like...farmville.

Is MT so worried I am going to pull a Selena on him that is he trying to distance himself as much as possible from the newspaper/his beat? I have *not* sent him decapitated Barbie doll heads as is usually the protocol when one is psychotically stalking a celebrity (What up, Trent Reznor circa 7th grade?).

Also, MT - don't flatter yourself: you are not a celebrity in the vein of a Trent Rezonor or a Real World Cast-mate. Around New Orleans, I may actually be a bigger celebrity than you. I starred in the New Orleans Children's Museum's critically acclaimed production of "Paintin' the Fence" in 1996. People (my mother) have been talking about it for 14 years. It was quite the performance.

But, I would like you NOT to go into Witness Protection, or have a restraining order placed against me - you're a worthy opponent. So I've decided to create a list of things about myself which will hopefully diminish any fear you may have of me.
1-I used to compete in choir. You read that correctly: choir.
2-One time a homeless man came up to me, said had just gotten out of prison, and requested that I give him some money to take a shower. I gave him everything in my wallet, ran home crying in fear, and then called the police. When they arrived, I tried to force the cops to file a police report for my mugging, claiming that his weapon was 'telling me he had just gotten out of prison.' They laughed in my face and told me I had given the man a gift.
3-My cousins used to chase me around the house with an asthma inhaler, telling me it was mace and that they were going to blind me with it. I locked myself in my parents bathroom and didn't come out for 3 years.
4- I was inconsolable after watching "Edward Scissorhands." Read more

Advantage: Mike Triplett

Mike Triplett from the Times Picayune is proving to be a more worthy adversary than Corry Rush.

I direct you to this week's Saints Mailbag. Oh Mike -- you know that the way to a woman's heart is through picking 2 of her questions for the Saints Mailbag. Love that you referred to me as "Lil Layne" and gave me an additional shout-out. Although longtime reader Lil Nore speculated that when you said, "You get two questions, Layne, since you're such a loyal reader" what you really meant to say was, "I'm scared, please don't hurt me." Whatever. Fear is a powerful tool. ANYWAY...Your attention to my queries has not gone un-noticed. It *almost* makes me want to stop warring with you. The key word is almost..if you couldn't tell by the asterisks.

Here's the real problem -- you picked the 2 most normal/easiest to answer questions on my list of 10+ questions. I don't really care if the Saints take back Charles Grant. What I care about is: if Drew Brees asked you to babysit little baby Baylen, would you say yes? Oooh - that's a good one. I'm going to email that one to him in my next batch. Why can't you push the envelope a little bit on the mailbag? Less "Ask the expert" and more "Dear Abby." If you don't feel comfortable answering these more...unorthodox...questions, why don't you give a me a crack at them? We can maybe call it, "The Saints Mail-Purse." Just thinking out loud.

Because of this new development (you being more responsive than Corry Rush), I have adjusted my goals. Getting you to include my questions in the mailbag was too easy. I need to stretch myself a little bit. So the new goals are:
1) Convince you to sit for an interview.
2) An invitation to watch the Saints summer practice with the Press Corps.
3) My own blog on nola.com. And I don't mean one of those weirdo "nola forum" type deals either. People who post on the NOLA forums two steps above being troll people who live under bridges..or wherever troll people live. You know the people who go to Hooters on Vets and stand in the pouring down rain to have Garrett Hartley sign the beer koozies? THOSE are NOLA.com forum contributors. But I'm no diva - I said I would do this FOR FREE. FREE CONTENT. What is not to like about that deal?

Someone once told me that you do not get anything without asking for it first. So, you can consider yourself on notice that I am asking for items 1-3. Cool?

OH! Mike: just wanted to let you know that my mom called me today to tell me she thought you looked like an actor from "The Young and the Restless." You can choose to interpret that however you want. Read more

My Mother and Twitter

As has been well documented on this blog...my mother's discovery of the internet has been a vexing issue for me quite some time.

My father has been "online" (so to speak) for a really long time because of his business. But my mother didn't even know how to use a touch-dial phone for a while there. About 7 years ago, she started going to these classes taught by nuns (aimed for geriatrics living in the Desire House Projects, as a FYI) so she could learn how to use Microsoft Word. Slowly but surely she crawled her way towards the 20th century (I don't say 21st, because I'm sure having to use an IPhone would cause her to have an apoplectic fit). She opened an email account. She discovered "google." She started emailing people with the same family name as her asking, "are you my cousin?" She started getting with it. But I was pretty comfortable that the gap between our technological savvy was so great that she would never catch up with me, and would never be able to monitor me (Big Brother style). WRONG.

This summer, she joined facebook and told me that if I didn't accept her friend request, she was going to disown me and write me out of her will. It was only a matter of time before she found my blog. And now she's found my twitter. My worst fears have become realized. My mother is tracking my every move from a remote location.

A couple of days ago, I received this communication from her.

Subject Line: TV Watching
Message: if i were you i might not twitter so much about tv shows as it makes your social life look terrible.

My immediate and visceral reaction was to yell out, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?" I didn't even know how to address her critique. I find blogs where people are constantly talking about all the restaurants they go to/museums they attend/dinner parties they throw tiresome and self aggrandizing. I do those things too, but I don't feel the need to talk about it ad nauseum. I do not need to seek the approval of others for accomplishing tasks that 99% of the population does without fanfare (See, e.g, doing laundry, cooking a meal, washing a car, or cleaning a room). Plus, no body wants to read that, unless they want to add that in their arsenal of reasons why they hate you. I know I open my computer sometimes and say to myself, "I haven't hated on (enter name here) in a while, so I think I'll go take a look at their website."

Second: who is my mother worried I am NOT going to impress by talking about LOST? Does she think that there are future husbands out there reading, who are totally charmed by everything I say...until they see that I like the tv show Modern Family, and then have second thoughts? NEWSFLASH BIGMOMMAJ (the moniker my mother keeps trying to make happen on this blog): This website reads like ONE GIANT RED FLAG for a potential suitor. High strung? Yes. Overly Dramatic? Yes. Holds irrational and unreasonable grudges for a long time? Yes. I highly doubt the tweets about television are going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Sigh. Is there some way to block someone from accessing the internet? Maybe I will try to confuse her and tell her that all the cool kids are using "Microsoft PowerPoint" to access the internet these days. Read more

My 13 Year Old Self is Reeling

So, Ricky Martin came out of the closet. Who was surprised by this? I'll tell you who: my 13 year old self.

Back-story: when I was 13, I was IN LOVE with Ricky Martin. Like blind, crazy, Justin Bieber-esque love. And I REFUSED to believe he was gay. I felt like every time he was singing "Livin' La Vida Loca" he was singing it directly to me. When he sang, I envisioned us salsa dancing in Miami, him shaking his hips, and me...being a 13 year old dancing with Ricky Martin, I guess?

Then I started thinking back on ALL my childhood celebrity crushes. Please see below.




Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Read more

What does Mike Triplett do all day, if he's not answering my questions?

As we know, Mike Triplett of the Times-Picayune is my newest enemy/love of my life. Part of his duties to the T-P require him to answer questions from the vox populi about the New Orleans Saints. As a member of the greater public, I have decided to email in every single question that pops into my head, as soon as it pops into my head for him to answer. My questions thus far:

1) What ever happened to the "unknown who dat"?
2) Jeremy Shockey tweeted that he couldn't wait to see his teammates in 20 days. Are they finally getting their rings, or has some sort of off-season training program started?
3) What is the training schedule for the coming months? When does camp start?
4) Why are so many football players/coaches obsessed with Kenny Chesney?
5) Who do you think is the biggest party animal on the team? My money is on Garrett Hartley.
6) Can you do a "CRIBZ" like feature showing readers what the players' condos/apartments/homes look like? On his facebook page, Thomas Morstead lists his residence as the "Airport Hilton Hotel." Do a lot of players live at the Airport Hilton Hotel? That seems depressing and wrong.
7) Is it possible for the Saints re-sign Charles Grant at a discount? Will they work him out again after he recovers from his injury? Maybe getting cut/injured will cause him to tone up, work hard, and come up with a Charles Grant version 2.0.
8) Our back-up quarterback situation is downright frightening. What are we going to do about that? Brunell did not look impressive during the Carolina game, and who even knows what is going on with Chase Daniel.
9) Have you been watching Chad Ochocinco on Dancing With The Stars? Which Saints player do you think is most likely to go on DWTS?
10) Do you think Reggie's production is going to be affected by the recent break-up with Kim Kardashian? Additionally, who do you think is at fault for the breakup?
11) Which Saints are single and mingling?
12) What are the odds we could get Favre at backup QB?
13) What's the deal with Sean Payton and Juicy Fruit? How do I apply for the job where I sit on the sidelines waiting to pass Sean Payton a stick of Juicy Fruit?
14) So, I just read that Drew Brees is ranked 35th for celebrity golfers -- is there anything this man can't do? But here's my real question: say you are in the trenches suffering from a gunshot injury, and someone told you, "you can wait 24 hours for a doctor to come, but there's a small chance you might die before then...HOWEVER, Drew Brees is standing by, and he's studied up on the surgery and feels comfortable performing it." Do you let him? I say yes.

The ultimate question is: at what point will Mike Triplett straight up block me from being able to email him?

I will keep you updated when, and if, he decides to tackle some of my questions. Maybe he will do a video blog to address all of my queries at once! One can only hope. Read more

A note about proof-reading

Every time I write a post, my mother (one of my 3 readers) sends me a scathing email the next morning lambasting me about my grammar/spelling. So, I offer this as an explanation.

When I finally have time to post things, it is usually very late at night. This means my brain is not functioning as well as it might be at...say...4pm. So I will make a lot of mistakes - especially with homophones. You know, like peace/piece, principle/principal, their/there. It doesn't mean I don't get the difference. I know I have misplaced commas EVERYWHERE. I usually try to go back and fix things..it just doesn't happen at the moment of publication. I could probably use a copy-editor so we'll add that to the list of things I need in my life (intern, housekeeper, chef, driver, mechanic, laundress, personal shopper, $100million dollars). But for right now, I guess you'll have to deal with me. Just think of my unproof-read writing style as Jack Kerouac-ian, yes? Read more

Time for a New Villain

Every blogger needs a villain. Sure, I've had Corry Rush for a while, but I think i'm over him. Time to move on.

As an aside: Did I tell you about the time I emailed the Corr-ster (requesting something, no doubt) and he asked me which news agency I was with? THE NERVE. He knew. He was just trying to make a point. POINT TAKEN, SPAWN OF SATAN CORRY RUSH. Having said that...I will probably email him this week asking for tickets to the NFL Draft. If history is any indicator, he will pretend like he doesn't know me, and then pass me off on some lackey with no authority.

Luckily there are a couple of new villains working their way down the pipe.

Mike Triplett: Saints Reporter for the Times Picayune.


As the guy with the most access to my beloved Drew Brees, I am going to hate him on principle. It is one of those hatreds that stems out of jealousy. You know, sort of like when you hate the valedictorian from your class because he got a perfect 1600 SAT? (N.B. For any of my readers under the age of 25, a long, long time ago, the SAT was out of 1600). Mike Triplett gets to do everything I want to do -- follow the players around the locker-room, go to their parties, ask them ridiculous questions. Except this guy isn't even asking the questions inquiring minds want to know (i.e, which Saints players are single, what tv shows the players are watching, what they wear to sleep at night). It's SUCH a letdown.

I've been emailing M. Tripp since like...December 2009. No joke. I just checked my email archive. First I emailed him to ask him for advice about blogging (no response), then I sent a couple of emails to the saints mailbag (no response). Finally, today, I called him out on his lack of response, and he FINALLY wrote back and apologized. You know what I say to that? OOPS TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

Full Disclosure: I find this guy very charming. Sure, i've never met him...but I have seen his videos. He's like the Justin Bieber to my Conan O'Brien. And let's be honest here: Justin Bieber is cute as sh*t. Luckily for me, Mike Triplett is over the age of 16, so having a schoolgirl crush on him does not make me a pedophile. But it does make it very hard for me to write missives, calling him an evil, dream killing, spawn of satan-esque monster. No, he will not do for a new villain. Unrelated question though: is it inappropriate for me to write into the Times Picayune Saints Mailbag to ask M.Tripp if he is single? How are we coming out on this question as far as "journalistic ethics" goes...?

Moving onto the next Villain...

Name: Same Exact Name as Me. Occupation: Fire Fighter

This guy has been on my radar for years. Every time I google myself, his links pop up. This guy is (by all accounts) quite the little hero. He wins awards, saves the country, and is even some sort of Jack Bauer-eque counter-terrorism expert. Scrolling through the google results, you see link after link about his awesomeness...and then you see that I once played "Lady Bear 2" in a production of "The Jungle Book" back in 1995. He makes me look real bad.

But, whatever -- I thought that it would be advantageous if he and I started up an email correspondence. So, of course, I emailed him. Please note for the record that his email address had the words "combat" and "terrorism" in it.

Dear Layne,

I've been googling myself to see what a future employer might find on the internet about me, and it hits for you outnumber hits for me like 4:1. I guess that makes you the famous Layne LastName? It would be amazing if an employer mistook you for me, because you seem like a grade-A badass. Unfortunately, I am female, wimpy, and I once called the police claiming to have been mugged when a homeless person asked me for money. Clearly, I am not capable of combating terrorism. But fight on, Layne!

Also - feel free to check out my website should you ever get the chance. Maybe I can do an interview with you!

Did this guy respond? NO. WHAT THE F LAYNE? You too busy to respond? HELLO. I sent this almost a week ago. I thought we could be like that couple with the same name who got married! Look at how cute they are. That could have been us! NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON. I don't know if you can cull this from my website - but I got it goin' on. First: I have an unpaid job this summer. Second: I have my very own room above my parents garage ALL TO MYSELF. Third: My car is fully functioning...minus the broken air conditioner, and the fact that it is leaking gas. Fourth: I know a ton of celebrities...like Gumbo the Saints Mascot. Fifth: All of these homeless men and janitors hit on me..so..you know I'm workin' it in the looks department. Janitors and homeless men only hit on the hottest girls. One day you're going to look back on this moment and wish you had gotten in when you could...sort of like Google IPO. That's all i'm saying. Read more